One of the best parts of coming to Japan, of course, is the food. Japanese food exists at extremes; it’s either incredibly good or utterly nauseating. Although some of my favorite spots from years past (namely the ramen hole and Little Spoon) are now somewhat less than amazing. But anyway! I admire these extremes, and I hope to experience them whenever possible.
To that end, when I was out foraging through convenience stores for a midnight dinner after arriving way too late in Shibuya due to flight delays, I could not resist something called “A taste of the BREAD.” Sitting on the shelf of a Lawson’s, it appeared to be a bread roll wrapped in brown wax paper. Yet! Yet the flavor, I parsed, was “teriyaki burger.” My guess was that it would be hunk of bread chemically treated to taste like a teriyaki burger. Disgusting! So I had to try it.
To my amazement, though, the truth of this food item was far worse. Sitting on the shelf, unrefrigerated, was in fact…a teriyaki burger.
Yes. It was actually much worse than it looks, and it looks pretty bad. I hate wasting food, but this was all I managed to choke down before I began questioning my will to live. It tasted like a White Castle, was the size of a McDonald’s burger, and made me question how a kind and loving god could allow such atrocities against his people. Now I don’t know much about this crazy world we live in, but I’m fairly confident in stating that meat is not something you leave sitting around in a convenience store at room temperature. To my mind, this suggests that what I ate was either (1) not meat or (2) pumped so full of preservatives that I’ve just saved my next of kin a load of money on embalming fluid.
Alarmingly, this was hardly the only “A taste of the BREAD” product on sale! They also had many other “meat” products, including a sausage egg roll whose egg component oozed nauseatingly off the bun and onto the clear plastic in which it was wrapped. I suppose that should have been a warning, but I always want to believe the best of others. My faith in human nature will be the death of me, or at least the terrible stomachache of me.
I’ve developed a theory about this sort of food product, though. My guess is that it stems from Japan’s apocalypse-oriented state of mind which causes the entire nation to be perpetually braced for a devastating earthquake, a nuclear holocaust or a huge radioactive lizard emerging angrily from the sea. We are not intended to eat foods like Lawson’s “A taste of the BREAD” line now. Rather, the nation conscientiously keeps these barely-palatable preserved foodstuffs stocked as a matter of preparedness. When The Big One hits, the survivors will be able to subsist for weeks on the psuedo-burgers, thus remaining alive until the Japan Self-Defense Force gets its act together and sends in the rescue crews.
You have to admire such a forward-thinking sort of food. You should not, however, eat it. At least not until Tokyo Tower falls. (Which was of course constructed to serve as the city’s early warning indicator — all disasters, natural or otherwise, are intrinsically drawn to Tokyo Tower.)
What did you eat the meat for? The label clearly told you that you should only take a taste of the BREAD.
WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?
Also, a STRAIGHT BURGER is the only answer.
As a rule, I don’t trust anything from convenience stores other than soup pasta cups and onigiri. The last can be pretty dodgy too. o-o
Doesn’t work get upset when they fly you out to Japan and you get sick from eating food sitting around in a convenience store at room temperature?
Aww, dude, I’m trying to eat over here.
Japan isn’t as obsessed with refrigeration and chemical anti-septic practices as America. They’d have to be to have been eating sushi centuries before refrigeration… and for exactly that reason, they grow up with fewer allergies and have fewer super bacteria growing in their hospitals. I’m all for it.
They also eat raw eggs quite often here. That, I’m not all for. Eww.
Dear God; I haven’t seen a culinary transgression of that magnitude since chocolate chip pancake covered sausage on a stick; but at least THAT crap was frozen!
That you so much as took one bite, let alone multiple, leads me to believe that maybe your sense of self preservation ain’t so good. I admire your courage, but fear for your safety.
I’m reminded of a recent trip down to Atlanta, where I was taken to a Pan-Asian Seafood Buffet. What I’m sure was originally a menu that fits the premise, the local flavor had penetrated just about everything, so we’ve got some sort of hushpuppy tempura, mayonnaise in the dumplings, frog legs next to the sashimi…
Parish needs food badly. Hope your constitution stays strong for TGS.
I had a similar culinary experience when someone offered me chibuku: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A965036
That stuff takes like liquid dirt.
If you’re still serious about loosing weight, try this:
Don’t eat rice, bread, pasta (or anything with a lot of flour) and sugar (that includes sweets and soft drinks).
You can eat:
Any vegetable, fruit and lots of meat.
I’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks without doing any exercise.
The trouble with “bread” in Japan is the word’s not used the way we use it.
Also: get yourself a rice burger from Mos Burger. It’s interesting. They make the patty out of white rice. Otherwise a normal burger.
“If you’re still serious about loosing weight, try this:
Don’t eat rice, bread, pasta (or anything with a lot of flour) and sugar (that includes sweets and soft drinks).
You can eat:
Any vegetable, fruit and lots of meat.
I’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks without doing any exercise.”
Enjoy your crappy health and possibly a heart attack.
Ew. But hey, a teriyaki burger – what an idea!
My aunt tried some diet called Nutrisystem. I was amazed that -everything- was to be stored at room temperature – the soups (fair enough), the (cooked) pastas, and especially – the pre-cooked meat. I can stomach some fast food, but jeez, at least they keep that shit in a freezer (…right?) ! The just-add-water, powdered scrambled eggs was what really did it for me, though.
I’ve had similar experiences when I studied in Canada, when it’s late at night, my cupboard was shamefully empty, it was far too cold to find a place that was open, leaving me to go to the nearest open place – a chain convenience store. Yep, missed class the night after that.
“Enjoy your crappy health and possibly a heart attack.”
WOW!! You get heart attacks from eating fruit, vegetables, fish and chicken??
You know, taking the picture completely out of context, I’m reminded of that David Hasselhoff floor-burger video.
One more reason not to eat “A taste of the BREAD.”
Rey: the key to keeping off weight is to make sustainable changes to your lifestyle. Exercise I can do; giving up carbohydrates forever I cannot. No sense in living longer if you’re miserable.
Thanks everyone for the well wishes! I’m still alive. Oh wait, there were no well wishes. You guys suck.
@ReyVGM: Elrando is referring to Robert Atkins, the founder of the Atkins diet. He apparently died from a heart attack, a fall, or both: http://www.snopes.com/medical/doctor/atkins.asp
The thing about a particular diet is that you have to be able to stick with it. I love carbs too much to ever commit to an Atkins-style program. If the diet works for you though, I see no reason to badmouth it.
Almost forgot to ask: Parish, are you planning on expanding your Super Famicom collection while you’re there?
“@ReyVGM: Elrando is referring to Robert Atkins, the founder of the Atkins diet. He apparently died from a heart attack, a fall, or both”
Exactly, my main issue with Atkins and similar diets is that people seem to think they are an all encompassing answer. They aren’t, people should do some sort of exercise (barring physical inability). I don’t care how thin you are, if you can’t break into a jog without almost killing yourself you aren’t healthy. You’ve got to use that heart and those lungs otherwise they’ll whither and die.