This is not a joke

Unfortunately.

The prevailing sentiment to this announcement seems to be, “It’s on mobile phones!? What a terrible idea.” That is a correct response, but an even more correct response would be, “They’re making a slapdash sequel to a classic whose story was satisfyingly resolved and has no room for expansion!? What a terrible idea.” Luckily, bad ideas tend to negate one another, so in a few years you’ll have forgotten this ever existed. Just like Final Fantasy: Legend of the Crystals. Even Shane “I am the biggest (Final Fantasy) fan in the universe” Bettenhausen didn’t remember what Legend of the Crystals was.

So, once again, Internet: refrain from your usual hysterics. Think of it this way: if you never play the game, you never have to worry about your fond memories of Final Fantasy IV being marred and mauled by crass franchising.

Also, to everyone who snapped up my extraneous possessions — I’m having trouble finding boxes for all of this stuff, so I may not be mailing some of these packages until early next week. Drop me an email if this means I should be sending it to a different address (what with the holiday looming and all).

22 thoughts on “This is not a joke”

  1. Your right Parish, I never will play the game so I don’t have to worry. But what disturbs me is that Square is developing key IPs for cellsphone that are only sold in Japan. I’d love to get another Parasite Eve, but no, it’s on cell phones.

  2. If FFVII Before Crisis couldn’t make it to the west with the far more popular FFVII name attached I seriously doubt this will.

  4. Well, I’ve heard Square Enix is hoping to make a more aggressive push to expand mobile gaming in the west, so it actually MIGHT come here. But I doubt Parasite Eve: The 3rd Birthday really qualifies as a “key IP.” There’s a reason it’s not called “Parasite Eve 3.”

  5. Also, if you combine the Parasite Eve and FFIV mobile subtitles, you get “The 3rd Afterbirth.” Tom Cruise says, “Sounds delicious!”

  6. Oh man, Legend of the Crystals. that was kinda based off of Final Fantasy 5, right? It was lame, a bit too close to Tenchi Muyo, I guess. It’s funny that we got that before we got FFV.

  7. I own Legend of the Crystals, but I haven’t watched it yet. I’m too afraid.

    Also, Parish, the USPS has free flat-rate boxes for shipping things. I know it’s a bit more than you were wanting to pay for shipping (8.95), but they also have envelopes (4.95).

  8. I remember Legend of the Crystals, tragically. Let’s hope this “sequel” never migrates to a real platform and never comes out in the West.

  9. Yeah, I have some flat rate mailers. They’re good for a DVD or two, but anything larger or more fragile needs a different solution.

  10. If SE wants to make an aggressive push for mobile gaming over here, they’re going to have to find someone to push some of those Japanese phones as well. Because we just don’t have the hardware.

  11. actually, the post office also provides free boxes in a large variety of sizes. Federal law dictates that they only be used for USPS mailing purposes, but they also make good temporary furniture in sufficient quantities.

    seriously though, if you’re mailing stuff USPS priority, (doesn’t have to be flat-rate) you can use their boxes for free.

  12. Solely out of curiosity, since I already have the only SFC Ranma game I want, which are (or were, as the case may be) you selling?

  13. Wait, I kinda liked Legend of the Crystals. Of course, this was back when I was a young impressionable lad, so maybe that’s why.

  14. Oh man, I own the VHSes to Legend of the Crystals, and it still took me a minute to remember what you were talking about.

  15. hey, don’t talk bad about Legend of the Crystals — it is the best Final Fantasy anime ever!!
    but then again the runner up is the pitiful run of Final Fantasy: Unlimited and i refuse to acknowledge Last Order out of principle so it gets that place by default. come on, you really didn’t expect Square-Enix not to whore out a renewed franchise with the DS remake looming…we are in the midst of the Ivalice Alliance for christsakes.

  16. What if it negates my view of the original game’s ending? May I have my hysterics then? For instance, the ending was almost the only thing I respected FFVII for, but my interpretation went out the window when they made their little follow-up video.

  17. If you’re out of boxes why don’t you hand deliver each item. If you show up at my house I’ll make you dinner. :)

  18. You know what the world needs? A Dr. McNinja video game. Now that dracula is part of the story it could only spell awesomeness.

  19. Between shit like this, and Paul Giamatti starring in utter pieces of shit (like ‘Fred Claus’ and ‘Bid Fat Liar’), I almost want to wag my finger at people who wonder why I have a drinking problem.

  21. I mean.. aw shoot. Ok this is what I thought the last comment that was mine was

    I’m just waiting for news of Final Fantasy VI-2: Return of the Espers! Starring Terra and a brand new character, a plucky young scamp who just might be the secret to bringing magic back to the world…. again! Only availible for iPods.

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