Way too far

OK, nerds, we need to have a talk. No, no, not you normal harmless nerds; you’re fine, and you fuel our economy with your inability to save money when confronted by useless baubles and trinkets. America needs you. And by “you” I mean “us.”

No, I’m talking about the really scary obsessive otaku-types. You guys have been on uneasy terms with the rest of the world for a while, and rightly so. But this time, guys, you’ve gone too far. I’m talking, of course, about this:

I’ve been willing to put up with your creepy, distasteful antics so far. Sure, I don’t necessarily feel comfortable with your antics, especially not the man-sized body pillows printed with silkscreened images of nude 12-year-old girls or the mousepads with gel wrist supporters in the shape of breasts or the game character figurines with removable clothing. (Uh, don’t click those links.) They leave an unpleasant taste in the mouth, yeah, but they’re all harmless niche products purchased furtively and secured in your secret lairs (MOM AND DAD I TOLD YOU NOT TO COME DOWN HERE WITHOUT KNOCKING FIRST), leaving the rest of the world safe from your developmentally arrested obsessions.

But Transformers, guys, Transformers. This is childhood. And I don’t just mean your childhood, to which you cling with increasing desperation by buying every Transformers variant you can find and then going online to gripe about the every minor change made to the plastic toys you could never emotionally bear to let go of. No, I mean kids, those tiny gnome-like creatures for whom Transformers are actually created and marketed, even today. Yes, you think it’s clever to call them “crotch droppings” and rage about how you’ll never bring more disgusting “carpet rats” into the world — as if you’d ever have the chance — but like it or not they’re who the toymakers are after. Not you. It’s fine to indulge yourself by picking up the occasional fondly-remembered recreation of a favorite character or whatever; that’s what nostalgia is about. But demanding the manufacturers supplicate to your whims — you, a tiny niche of consumerism, far outside the profitability of the mainstream? That’s always a little embarrassing to watch.

But now you’ve spoiled even that; clearly, you exist in such numbers now that Takara has created a Transformers line just for you, supported by tentacle manga and featuring packaging with underaged girls showing off their underwear. You’d probably think, from the box art, that the little girl is a major component of this toy, but if you actually look at the package interior she’s only a tiny little piece of plastic. Like a Headmaster, but redolent of fetishes best left unspoken… especially with the downright unnerving premise that being kissed by young girls “energizes” the robots. Basically she’s just the final proof that you spoil everything you touch and that you’re horrible monsters. Please stop now before you kill again.

At least I have the satisfaction of knowing that this version of Optimus Prime turns into a pick-up truck rather than the classic semi cab. That little deviation from “canonical purity” is going to drive you completely nuts.

70 thoughts on “Way too far

  1. Not just any pick-up truck, a Dodge pick-up truck.
    I’m not sure why that’s funny to me, but it is.

  2. I discovered these over the weekend. Um, yeah. Why is she blushing? Because she knows what you are thinking, perv-burger! (of course they are making more! http://tformers.com/article.php?sid=6463) Also offensive is the Hot Pink surfboard that transforms into a Hot Pink Phallis.
    There was a milder version of this concept last year, and it seemed like innocent fun: cute sidekick figures that could drive inside the car. If Skids could have a girlfriend, why not these guys? Give a fanboy an inch, and he’ll take a mile. At least some people in Japan can recognize this type of work for what it is (http://mdn.mainichi-msn.co.jp/waiwai/news/20060512p2g00m0dm014000c.html)

  3. Oh crap, that’s for a TRANSFORMER?! I saw that on NCS today and skipped over it thinking it was the usual pervy type of non-gaming trinkets I don’t care about (although that mouse pad was hilarious). But now that I know it’s a Transformer, wow, my mind is blown. Who’s buying this stuff, anyway?

  4. If its any consolation, most actual Transformers fans are also pretty disgusted by this.
    Especially the Phallic Tongued Megatron.

  5. Why aren’t more people ingrained into geekdom complaining about the rampant and awful obsession with 12-year olds as sex objects?

  6. I see the problem but what can I, but a small insignificant voice on the internet, do about it? Its not like we have some sort of a system in place to banish these sorts of people to a deserted island with all their loli-Transformers slashfic.

  7. This gives me the giggles. Mostly because–never mind her barely-clothed fruit-like ass and disturbingly startled “I’ve Been Caught Undressing!” expression–the slogan is still “More than Meets the Eye.”

    This is so silly I can’t even be offended or repulsed. Not even for the kids.

  8. Believe it or not, most aren’t upset at Optimus being a pickup. For one thing, there was 20th Anniversary Prime, which far outdoes any Alternator/Binaltech.

    Plus, it allowed for a Nemesis Prime recolor. And is supposed to be Ginrai in Japan, if memory serves.

    Most hatred for the toy is because it general sucks and feels like it’s ready to fall apart when you touch it, as I hear it.

    And the KISS line sucks. I hear TransFormers doesn’t do as well in Japan, so that’s probably a desperate attempt to keep it going there.

    LBD “Nytetrayn”

  9. I don’t actually understand anything you just wrote aside from the last sentence. Come back from the dark side, David… it’s not too late.
    Anyway, I think the lack of punditry about lolicon stems from it being implicitly disgusting. It’s like saying “Nazis are bad.” Plus, you run the risk of angering Insert Credit’s sizable pedo contingent, and no one wants that.

  10. In simpler terms, no one cares that it’s Prime, they just a) would have prefered if it were someone else, and b) wish the toy itself didn’t suck as bad as it does, regardless(and without even taking the girl into account).
    I hear TransFormers isn’t nearly as popular in Japan as it is in the rest of the world. So maybe Takara is trying to find a new fanbase. *shudders*
    And for the fun of it, I linked this article at The Allspark, and am returning the link in kind here.
    LBD “Nytetrayn”

  11. Ugh. I tend to ignore rubbish like this. Like it or not, it will always be around in some form or another. All we can do is the right thing and throughly chastise it and then ignore it. Giving it attention is one step to encouragement.

    “At least I have the satisfaction of knowing that this version of Optimus Prime turns into a pick-up truck rather than the classic semi cab. That little deviation from “canonical purity” is going to drive you completely nuts.”

    Out of curiousity, is that a shot at the whiners who are complaining about the design alterations in the upcoming film adaptation?

  12. look, these things creep the hell out of me too. The idea, the story, all of it is kinda on the edge of what shpuld be allowed. On the other hand these are marketed towards adults (all-be-it so are other things and we know how that ends up…). I believe in equal rights for everyone, and since this is not kidie porn (all be it the artist and his style always seems to be) I simply go with this motto:

    “If you don’t like the product, don’t buy it. If you don’t like the song, turn the radio dial. No one is forcing this on you.”

    so i myself won’t be buying this toy unless i can find it for dirt cheap, and then only because I’m a TF completist (meaning I try to buy everything TF like a consumer whore). If I ever get one it’ll go in a box and if I won’t put pictures of it on my website because of the content, I like my site to be read by young and older fans alike…little kids should not see sick things like this…and I’m not about to put an adult only section on TotS. So I’m at odds on this toy, I support having adult fantasies and toys, porn is all good for those who have healthy lives and aren’t addicted. On the other side I look at this and the story and think WTF?! This kind of borders on the unhealthy porn side of the line. I’m sad to say that there are several more of these toys coming out, and they will all contain the same kind of artwork, if not on the boxes, on the comics that come with the toys.

    I try to keep in mind that these toys are being pitched in another country another culture than what i live in. I’m wondering why I’ve never heard people complain years on end about the millions of hentais and mangas this toy line follows footsteps in. I see this as a horrible blemish on not only a once awesome line (Binaltech) but a blemish on what Transformers has been for so many people. This is giving every psychotic mother who hates viliont toys a big pile of TNT. I’m suprised this hasn’t been all over the “news” with slogans like “Transformers, More Than Meets the Eye?” or “Toys and Sex adictions”. I’m realy praying that that this thing doesn’t become the smoking bullet on a darker horizon and ammo against some of us toy collectors that can tend to get out of hand (I have a few thousand toys collected over the years, i can admit it’s a tad odd). Anyways Glad to see a well done page like this and I’m not saying who is or isn’t right in this case. Just felt like giving my view and how I felt about the subject. Sorry for the rant.

  13. I have come to five conclusions on this matter:
    1. That is a sickening abomination. It’s like someone re-animated a child molester and tried to pass the stinking, rotted, leering corpse of the pervert off as your kindly, beloved grandfather.
    2. There is no god.
    3. Although I have never really been bothered by the otaku before, this time they have gone too far and must be destroyed.
    4. I’m sure a lot of people are going to be driven nuts by the minor “canonical [im]purity” of “Convoy” being a pick-up truck.
    5. In this case, I really wish Jeremy hadn’t mentioned head masters. *groan*
    Also, after the day I’ve had I really didn’t need to see this. Actually, I never needed to see this. After all, they do say ignorance is bliss.

  14. I may never be able to think about Alexis/Starscream as fondly again.

    …what? At least that one (or Astoria/Powerglide for older fans) was potentially canon and reasonably cute.

  15. Mr. Parish, as an avid Insert Credit browser I must say that the Insert Credit pedophile contingency is angered at you. Why is Insert Credit such a breeding ground of sexual deviancy of the physically undeveloped nature? Also what is your opinion on Tim Rogers, Legal Step, Winker, Tollmaster and Toups as they are key members of this forum you lurk in.

    P.S. Those Members I mentioned are totally not pedo, except maybe TOLLMASTER.


  16. Get over yourselves! This is not nearly as bad as you people make it out to be. Stop whining! Stop complaining! Either buy it or don’t, just shut up about it. Show your dissaproval with your money.

  17. They could always produce the homeopathic transformer series featuring the head-on masters. Just apply directly to forehead. Ok, I’m sorry, that was just dumb. I do have to take particular offense at something someone said however:
    “2. There is no god.”
    You, kind sir, deserve to burn in hell for that idiotic comment. Not only have you deeply offended my religious beliefs, but you CLEARLY ignore the facts. If god didn’t exist, then why do the Japanese use god as the final boss in 90% of their games, hm? You bloody stupid people and your prescious ‘evolution’. PAH! DISGUSTING DISEASED DEGERATES, THE WHOLE LOT OF YOU!

  18. “Why is Insert Credit such a breeding ground of sexual deviancy of the physically undeveloped nature?”
    I dunno. Peer pressure, maybe?

  19. I’m sure this is marketed for those lonely collectors who like to fantasize about some girl kissing optimus(their avatar) to charge his energy. right. I find it kind of strange how as children we come to love our toys, but as we grow up, we find that they aren’t enough so we change those innocent relics into something that we are more after. Strange and a bit sad.

    IDK, Transformers has always been dark (well darker than go-bots IMO) This is obviously it’s logical progression and the line will eventually feature a man and his transformer dishwasher/oven/dryer/submissive wife. See, she cooks and cleans, lol.

  20. Dudes, it was only just a minor fender bender, nothing major! Dont think any less of me! Its not my fault! She -told- me she was 18! =( Someone post bail for me? Please?

  21. “Pure of heart and deed” my ass. I watch Rescue Me, crosses don’t instantly a pure heart make.

    “What, she’s in the nun National Guard? A bride of Christ one weekend a month?”

    …aw man, I just imagined Denis Leary in some hideous mashup with this trainwreck. I’m going to go drink that out of my head now, thanks.

  22. Thanks to Parish for linking just the Shortpacked! comic, instead of the actual pages depicting Megatron’s remarkably phallic (and tentacular) tongue, as well as linking Shortpacked! in the first place. Good taste on both counts.

    As for the Kiss Players thing in general: Ow. My brain.

  23. That Decepticon is actually some new guy named Legion, from what I hear. Not that that changes the fact he really looks like Megatron, and either way has a prehensile dicktongue. That pierces steel.

  24. Dammit, last time I saw the Transformers they were busy taking down Orson Welles while hilariously bad 80’s music blasted in the background. You mean to tell me THIS is what they do when I’m not around?
    I think I could have lived a fulfilling, wholesome life without ever knowing about this “Kiss” line. And you didn’t even hide it under a link or anything. :(

  25. Okay, ew. EW. EWWWW.

    Now I know two things I must do: go find my happy place, and turn images off at work when lunch0surfing until this scrolls off the page.


  26. You should’ve posted the picture on the side of the box of the girl giving Prime tongue. Also, I love how he’s leering down, probably at her barely covered peach-like hiney.

    *ahem* I’m just getting it for the truck. The girl… well I can’t just throw her away, can I?

  27. …Wow. Just looking at that picture, I can sense God shaking his head sadly and washing his hands of all of us. I don’t even want to guess what kind of special hell is reserved for the people who buy this stuff (assuming that this isn’t all some kind of joke. But no, when it comes to stuff like this, it’s usually true).

  28. Maybe the next set will introduce Contracepticons or something.
    I’m sorry, I know it was lame but I had to get that out of my system. I stand by my initial judgement that this is weird and deviant and should not exist.

  29. Jeremy if you really lurked on Insert Credit you’d know that generally speaking we’re way more into Virtual On porn. Get it straight dude.

  30. Well, at least Michael Bay can rest assured knowing his film won’t be the biggest thing to piss off Transformers fans now.

  31. Does this really surprise anyone, though? You all act shocked, but it’s not like there’s no precedent. How many of the outraged above honestly didn’t know that Japan produces mountains of this stuff? I mean, I was a Transformers kid, I cried when Optimus died just like the rest of you. This stuff is foul and it is fucked up, certainly, but as much as I hate it, it isn’t unexpected.

  32. Oh, man, my apologies, Toups. I didn’t realize IC’s Team Pedo section had moved along to robot smut. Kissplayers must seem like the best of both worlds for them!

  33. I don’t think anyone here is shocked this exists. Pedophilia just tends to strike a nerve with some people. What’s shocking, to me, is that this topic isn’t broached more often. It may not be unexpected, but there is no reason to accept it at face value.

  34. What? Optimus dies? Aw, man. I knew I probably should’ve watched the original movie instead of settling for reruns of Beast Wars.

  35. But he comes back. Just like every other time he dies.
    Starscream, at least, has the decency to spend the rest of the series (and the next one) in a dead or undead state whenever he gets killed.

  36. In light of this “Kissplay” series and stuff, I know there’s some kind of “Was beauty killed the beast” joke for Optimus in here somewhere, but I’m honestly too terrified to dig for one.

  37. “I’m just getting it for the truck. The girl… well I can’t just throw her away, can I?” -Finch

    Sorry Finch, it’s still contributing to the loli-porn demographic. Lack of purchase is the only thing companies understand, seperating money from intent is still vodoo to them.

    What about scantily clad young girls with guns, massively oversized or otherwise. Is that just as bad?

  38. “But he comes back. Just like every other time he dies.”

    So that’s where Zero got the idea from…

  39. I dunno, she seems to have awefully big breasts to be truly loli-pedo.

    How old is Melissa suppossed to be?

  40. I think the Bay movie is getting more outright hate than Kiss. Least from what I can gauge, Kiss Player is meeting with more of a shocked “OH WTF well i’ll probably buy it anyway” whereas every time a movie render is leaked, people tend to die a little inside.

  41. I’d guess the more-hatred-over-the-movie-than-this-creepy-thing is because of exposure. Sexual creepy paraphenalia abounds on the Internet, but few people really know about it, outside of the occasional public “Hot Coffee” incident. Therefore, the shame associated with the existence of the product, while substantial, is private.
    With a movie, meanwhile, the thought of the masses who are not immersed in the series being exposed to something “untrue to the original vision” is a public shame-by-association that turns LiveJournals aflame with entries like:


    Current Mood: Homicidal
    Current Music: Bloody Tears

  42. Technically, there are other reasons to hate on IC than this–like their idiotically long reviews. I don’t care how you got the game; I don’t care what you played the game on; I don’t care what you thought of other, tangentially-related games. Just give the review of the damned game in question and be done with it.

  43. I like Insert Credit, as in the actual site. Sheffield and I are totally BFF. It’s the forums where the problems lurk, but isn’t that always the case? I killed off my forums ages ago once I realized no good could come from them, but I think Brandon doesn’t have the heart to cast them out into the cold.

  44. “I killed off my forums ages ago once I realized no good could come from them…”

    It wasn’t all bad. The actual games section was pretty durn good, really.

  45. It was much like the destruction of Sodom. I promised to spare the forums if you could show me ten good and righteous people posting there. But you couldn’t. And then Xenosaga came out and stole the “pillar of salt” gimmick right from under my nose, dammit.
    Melissa is 20 like that dude with the wispy peach fuzz moustache lurking outside the liquor store offering to trade twenty bucks for a six-pack is really 21, honest. Cybertron’s fake ID technology is truly advanced.

  46. If that was the case, that must make me Lot or something; I bailed in October ’03, about two months before you tore them down, if memory serves.

  47. “Melissa is SUPPOSEDLY TWENTY YEARS OLD” That must be in like anime years or something.
    “I just noticed her hair is shaped like an ‘M’.” It’s also partially transparent. And she doesn’t seem to have a nose. And her ear is smooth and flat. And I’m not sure if she has teeth either. So maybe she’s an alien? That wouldn’t make it any better, because she still looks under-aged no matter what species she is.

  48. I think it’s Japanese artists not being able/refusing to make ages particularly distinctive. I’ve seen it before, sorta like in Mega Man Zero/ZX…
    LBD “Nytetrayn”

  49. “Does this really surprise anyone, though? You all act shocked, but it’s not like there’s no precedent. How many of the outraged above honestly didn’t know that Japan produces mountains of this stuff?”

    The disturbing part isn’t that it exists – it’s that it’s official. This isn’t some piece of doujinshi, this is the real, aimed-at-kids Transformers. It’s the same difference between discovering Lego porn on the internet and the toy company itself launching a porn Lego lineup.

  50. In Takara’s defense — not that I think this is defensible in any way! — this is nothing compared to Gainax’s officially-licensed Evangelion soft porn figurines.

  51. Now that I think about it, this is less like Headmasters, and more like the whole Mini-con gimmick of Armada. Both sides need swarms of comparitively small, useless-looking creatures to power up and win the day. And some dark, massively evil figure apparently set it in motion.

  52. Shocked? Hell no. I’ve been on 4chan too much to be shocked by the internet anymore.

    That doesn’t mean it isn’t sickening. And yeah, the fact that it’s an official Takara product…eeeesh. DAMMIT JAPAN!

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