End of the Innocence: 360 GET

Well, guys, it’s been real, but the ride is over. I now own an Xbox 360, so from here on out all I’ll be talking about is middle-aged white guys with metal (or plasteel, perhaps) body armor and mouths permanently set in a violent sneer. You know the types — the ones whose mothers told them “Your face will get stuck like that if you don’t stop making that expression”… and they took it to heart. These guys have gigantic Liefeld-derived guns which they use to shoot generic Giger-derived aliens and generic Star Wars-derived humanoid soldiers. That is the heart of the 360 experience, my friends. Screw the candy-colored light-hearted crap with accessible gameplay — the future is a dull shade of grey that makes Blade Runner look like Disneyland, with the glossy plastic sheen (even on human flesh) that only woefully-abused lighting and shading effects can offer… in HD. Obnoxiously complex controller configurations? Why, that’s just the cumbersome icing on the ugly-ass cake!

Oh, wait, EGM just handed me a Rocket Slime ROM to review. Never mind! I’ll have to wait to switch my allegiance until after I’ve finished with that. Roll on, candy-colored joy. Roll the heck on.

75 thoughts on “End of the Innocence: 360 GET

  1. I have an Xbox 360. I play DVDs on it. I would really like playing a game though, do they have any good non FFXI RPGs yet?

  2. I can honestly say I bought the 360 and never play to buy a FPS on it…except maybe the Half-Life 2 episodes since Steam is such an intrusive PC memory whore.

  3. So when do we get your Gamertag so that we can give you THE REAL XBOX LIVE EXPERIENCE, Mr. Parish?

  4. Wow, I never made that Liefeld-to-NextGen connection before. If they have pouches everywhere, no discernable wrists and 72 baby teeth in their mouth one might have a good thesis topic.

  5. What, you mean 12-year-old wiggaz cussin’ up a storm?

    Exactly. You m’f’in’ razzer frazzer, or whatever it is the kids these days say.


    Hellz yeah you take that skip a turn and you suck it dowwwwn!

  7. Well, there’s always GRAW, and blowing up my home city’s historical landmarks with reckless abandon… (No, really. Shooters don’t do anything for me, but there was something… Metroid Prime-ish about GRAW’s single-player game.)
    Still, there’s always Blue Dragon, Lost Odyssey, and maybe Enchanted Arms and that Chopin-inspired RPG. The 360 version of Burnout Revenge is also quite godly, if that’s your kind of thing.

  8. I’m gonna start with just Dead Rising for now, and my girlfriend wants Tomb Raider Legend. Beyond that I think I’ll just mine the original Xbox release list for unique stuff like KOTOR, Stubbs, and, uh… Sudeki. (Editor’s Note: LOL SUDEKI)

  9. The only thing which might make me consider a 360 is Shen Mue 3. I would’ve gotten the original X box for Ninja Gaiden, until I found out it was just a DOA spin-off with Ryu instead of an actual sequel/remake. Oh well, once the movie flops, maybe Team Ninja will make games I want to play again.

  10. What’s so “obnoxiously complex” about the controller configurations for 360? And you don’t have to lie about your girlfriend wanting Tomb Raider, it’s ok to admit that you want it because it’s a pretty easy game to get all 1000 gamer points from. Tell your “girlfriend” she might like King Kong too.

  11. I would’ve gotten the original X box for Ninja Gaiden, until I found out it was just a DOA spin-off with Ryu instead of an actual sequel/remake.

    What the hell are you talking about? There’s like a 5 minute cameo by Ayane, but other than that its pure *coughmasochisticcough* ninja action, just like the original.

  12. Dead Rising is pretty sweet. As per RPGS oblivion is awesome. I know its not all jrpg, but thta is its strength really. The plastiskin is very prevalent in the Condemned. Everyone in that game looks insane.

  13. Silly child, I have already played TRL (and gave it quite a good score at that). The fact that my girlfriend is interested in playing it is actually very significant as she does not play videogames at all.
    Also, Rare games make me want to kill myself. (But only because it would be illegal to kill Rare.)

  14. Yes, Mr. Parish. KotoR is an absolute must, both the first and the second. They are among the finest games thus far this decade.

  15. SUDEKI…a bad game, but I played it from begining to finish.
    It’s a guilty pleasure-it has some good ideas on the fighting system, the most enjoyable part of it.
    When I remember that horrible japanese manga style wannabe design…funny sad times..

  16. I believe it was Rare that gave us Snake, Rattle & Roll, and for that, I will forgive them all their sins.

  17. Hey, there’s Trusty Bell coming for the 360, at least. That one’s about as far from ugly industrial alien warfare as you can get.

  18. TheSL: If the ninja action was actually from Ninja Gaiden, and not Tenchu, then I’d be more interested.

    jparish: “Also, Rare games make me want to kill myself. (But only because it would be illegal to kill Rare.)”

    Oh, c’mon. Having side-scrolling stages in Battletoads which are so fast you don’t even have time to push a jump button is genius and you know it, Parish. And
    ripping off the worst feature in MGS for Star Fox Adventures(repeatedly tapping a button to get out of a sticky situation) was clearly an example of Rare trying to
    do a new spin on an old concept.

  19. Many a late night hour at a friends house was spent playing snake rattle and roll and years later Goldeneye.

    Unfortunately they also made Donkey Kong 64 and Killer Instinct.

  20. And every other collect-a-thon crapfest ever released for the system. And for some reason I recall Goldeneye sucking a lot more than everyone thought it did. I can’t really tell from playing it now, as it looks as if someone smeared vaseline all over the camera, but I can’t help but wonder.

  21. When you are playing four player goldeneye, you don’t notice much blurriness on your 12×10 or so area of screen :D

  22. Goldeneye and Perfect Dark were fantastic. They prove that Rare is actually capable of making enjoyable games.

  23. But Torgo, Perfect Dark Zero proves they’re capable of horrible games too. So that’s kind of a wash, eh?

  24. Off the top of my (sleepy) head, the only X-Box game I can remember getting excited about was Aquaman. I don’t know if there’s something wrong with me for wanting an Aquaman game, or if there’s something wrong with the world for being shocked that an Aquaman game would suck.
    (especially the 90’s Viking Aquaman)

  25. We’re not talking about Rare again, are we? Anyway, if you’re doing the back-compat thing, you should check out Jade Empire. My reaction was something like “Wait, you mean people could make interesting RPGs like this all along? Then what the hell is Japan’s problem?”
    Also, Live Arcade, man. The days of judging a system just by its boxed content are over!

  26. Raroo: Wanna trade for those games you were interested in? I don’t even remember what they were but I still have them. Whee!

  27. But Torgo, Perfect Dark Zero proves they’re capable of horrible games too. So that’s kind of a wash, eh?

    They had had already proved that almost a decade to the day before PDZ with Donkey Kong Country 2. (DCK2 was 11/20/95, PDZ was 11/17/05)

  28. kotor makes the d20 geek in me scream with joy.
    i played the game with my star wars manual in hand, and aside from some reimagined feats, the game is dead on.

  29. Just download Maple Story. Who needs any consone when you have a PC or a Mac or whatever. Consoles are for people who just don’t know what to do or what to buy or when to stop wasting money. Handhelds are another story, lets just say retinal detachment is something I’ve always been afraid of. So, GO COMPUTERS!

  30. Kall me krazy, but I thought DKC 2 was actually the most polished of the games, and actually *GASP* enjoyable. It does not, however, excuse Rare from those other two other crappy games known as DKC 1 and 3, or that utterly terrible abomination in the form of DK 64.

  31. Interestingly enough, DKC was the only one I actually liked. It featured the least number of innane doodads, and for the most part simply about the platforming. Well, and that doofy type of ‘tude Nintendo had going in the mid-ninties.

    We can, however, agree that DK64 is evil. Everything about that game was backward, even for Rare’s standards. It played worse then Rare’s previous doodad games (even Banjo-Kazooie was at times mildly enjoyable), and the fact that it managed to look strikingly awful, even by the N64’s reletively low standards, made the whole effort one of pain and torment.

    And to think, I had friends who actually dragged themselves through to that game’s conclusion.

    In all fairness however, Diddy Kong Racing was mildly playable as well. Certainly it held no candle to MK64, but with four people there was some fun to be had.

  32. Oh I enjoyes the DKC games and so did the SNES as a whole, kept that sucker alive a little longer. However DK64 was pure evil. My brother-in-law played that game through to 99% and subsequently threw up. He hasn’t been the same since.

  33. This just in: Shivam, you are a huge dork.

    (Note: the above is said in an endearing, friendly way. Please do not point fingers or reply with anything containing the following words: pot, kettle, squirrel, purple.)

  34. 360 is dead to me until I can make it play Spike Out, Panzer Dragoon, and Otogi.
    But I’m sure all the fans of Chicago Enforcer are enthused that it can play on 360.

  35. You’ve probably heard it countless times by now, and you will hear it countless times again, but I don’t care. I must add my voice to the masses – you need to get Oblivion. Like, seriously. If you don’t, I’ll break out the specious sales pitches! Like so:

    “It’s not just a game! It’s a next-generation experience that will expand the boundaries of what you thought were possible from a game console!”

    Ooh, I bet that stings, huh? I’ve got more where that came from, too. Don’t make me use ’em…

  36. QPCES: You take that back! I need Parish to tell me which Wii games are worth my money!

  37. you may own oblivion for windows, but you play it on your mac. That seems significant for some reason.

  38. brandon: Thanks to the merger, Enix of America actually promotes and releases their games on time. I’m just hoping DQ8 did well enough for them to consider releasing the PS port of DQ Monsters and DQ 4.

  39. I’m not optimistic, but if Phantom Dust ever gets the backward-compatability treatment, you ought to check that out.

  40. “you may own oblivion for windows, but you play it on your mac. That seems significant for some reason.”

    Significant in that it’s awesome.

  41. You just pointed out everything that bugs me about Gears of War and every other post-apocalyptic war game with evil biomechanical monsters that’s slated for release in the next year or so. XD I salute you.

    And you really have to wonder how they get in and out of that armor.

  42. I agree with Mister Raroo, Jeremy. You should check your email, there may be “important messages” awaiting you.

  43. Exactly how much sway do these comments hold over your actions J? What if I were to say, don’t check your email?

  44. $99 a year for that XNA developer/whatever thing, and he could unleash the grimacing-plasteel-toastyfrog on the entire world!

  45. Sadly, XNA requires some degree of programming skill. Mine ends at 20 GOTO 10.
    And it’s very silly to tell me to check my email. My email’s always open if I’m online. (I can’t always respond immediately and sometimes forget to reply to backlogged messages.)

  46. ahh, XNA requires programming skills? Damn, my hopes have been dashed yet again. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

  47. “Makes Blade Runner look like Disneyland.”

    …I believe it’s Akira you were thinking of there.

  48. Why do this ‘hardcore’ next-gen games have opt to make human flesh have shinier higlights than even the warp pipes in super mario? It’s like a kid playing with photoshop who just discovered the lens flare filter and starts using it in everything.

  49. the saddest part is, the two games i want for 360 as it stands (bioshock and trusty bell) is still a larger quantity than i want for wii and especially ps3.

    i just hope “scary” (in bioshock’s case) mostly refers to the gameplay aspects rather than making black screens…IN HI-DEF!

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