Worst Ending #4

Castlevania II
These are starting to become irredeemably obscure, sorry. Technically I kind of cheated on this one — the endings in Simon’s Quest don’t really correspond to the quality of your performance. The only positive ending is the one you get if you take more than two weeks. If you blast through the game in less than a week of game time, Dracula returns; if you do a fairly decent job of finishing, Simon bites it. Whatever; in my eyes the worst ending is the “Dracula returns again” one.

I’m pretty sure the people who made Simon’s Quest were a bunch of misanthropes. We’ve all sort of taken for granted the notion that the game’s bizarre and misleading clues were mistranslations, but actually, no — the original Japanese dialogue was useless, too. In fact, Castlevania II may be the most accurate 8-bit translation ever. No, I don’t get it, either.

29 thoughts on “Worst Ending #4

  1. Well, see, if you were to kowtow, your head would be bumped against the cliff and that would totally make sense if… Simon… kowtowed… when he kneels… but he doesn’t. Nevermind.

  2. Kudos: You made Simon look cooler than Ayami Kojima did in Castlevania Chronicles.

  3. I just wonder why they even bothered to give Dracula such a nice grave. He never seems to stay in them. Part of me wonders what item you’d get for whipping that gravestone to rubble, though.

  4. Thanks. I mixed-and-matched Simon’s appearance from CV2 and Chronicles to get something less preppy than the former and less leatherdaddy than the latter.
    And yeah, having a tombstone for Dracula is pretty much completely goofy.

  5. Maybe they assumed they would only have to replace Dracula’s tombstone once every century.

  6. This is my favorite one so far, with regard to the joke as well as the art. Your Simon is awesome.

  7. Indeed, your Simon is way better than Kojima’s rendition.
    Also, “being the wise and courageous knight that you are”, seeing your take on Ghost and Goblins wouldn’t be bad.

  8. as much as i loved castlevania 2, i dont think i ever got over the fact that the motherfucker just *keeled over* when i finally won the damn game. i felt betrayed.

  9. Simon drawing is teh sux. He looks too emo. Draw glasses on him and change his dialoge to ‘I WAS BUSY ON MY SPACE’ and you’ll see!
    -brought to you by the jparish is getting too much praise foundation-

  10. While everyone raves about the great Simon art, I’ll take a moment to gush over the floating Castlevania in the second panel, particularly because of the detail –especially the tower leading to Drac’s gravity-defying chamber.

  11. Wow, I had forgotten about that completely…it took me forever to figure out how to get past that freakin cliff, I almost gave up on the game.

  12. Man, that’s weird. Just yesterday I’d just stumbled across a 15 year-old scrap of notebook paper with my set of Simon’s Quest passwords for the various endings, and, lo, here’s a comic about the very game. I played that damn thing for over a year before I learned about the ducking trick – and I doubt I ever would, had I not seen someone do it on an episode of that GamePro TV show way back when.

    I don’t know whether I’m more ashamed to admit that, or that I actually watched an episode of GamePro TV.

  13. Very nice Simon. But to me, the top panel at first glance looked like Dracula’s tombstone is in the middle of the ocean and there’s a green-haired purple sea monster peeking out of the water to examine the dates.

  14. You know, maybe burying the old bastard at sea would be a good idea. Just have someone bless the ocean.
    Why yes, I DID overuse the Holy Water. Why do you ask?

  15. This whole “Worst Ending” thing has definitely gotten better with each installment. To be honest, I found this one to be the most concise yet. The humor in the first two comics was a little too absurd/obscure for my tastes. The whole concept works a lot better when the comedy is derived more strictly from the inherent weirdness in the games themselves. Crono clones getting turned into spikey cereal for no real reason besides the whole “Cron-O’s” gag was a little too forced. Belmont slamming his head into a cliff because of some retarded NPC text, on the other hand, actually made me giggle. And it’s been a long time since any videogame related joke got a laugh out of me.

    Here’s hoping you change your mind and deliver a few more gems like this one before pulling the plug.

  16. It reminds me of those Worlds of Power books by FX Nine. Or, at least the line “It seemed funny at the time” being in Simon’s Quest does.

  17. It does occur to me that the Castlevanians aren’t too bright to begin with. I mean, they know their town is buttcrack-next to Dracula’s castle, but they still continue to live there. Making him tombstones and hiding turkeys in brick walls is nothing compared to that special brand of stupidity.

    That Simon does deserve some full-drawing, too.

  18. I think it’s “Transilavanians”, or “Wallachians” or something to that effect. An actual Castlevanian would be more like a zombie or a merman. God, I’m such a geek.

  19. Also: obscure, schmure. This was a nice joke. My favorite so far has been Bad Ending #3.

  20. Transylvania is a region, not a country. It would be “Romanians.” “Stupid peasants” would also be acceptable.

  21. Stupid AND revolting peasants (they stink on ice). Geez, why are the Worlds of Power books popping into everyone’s heads? Are they like some kind of pop culture cicada?

  22. Because I read them all as a kid. Multiple times. That kind of poison doesn’t just wash out.

    (…What do I do for a living again? Uh oh)

  23. Yeah Tomm, which company do you work for again?
    Like a catastrophic train wreck you just can’t forget the Worlds of Power books (even with the help of drugs, alcohol and a therapist).

  24. Nice one. Simon’s Quest was an obtuse crapshoot in that department. (Other than that, it was the easiest game in the series by a mile.)

    The backdrop of the burning Transylvania reminds me of Dracula X. Which is in of itself cool, intentional or not.

  25. I should be ashamed to point it out now, but I just realized that this must be the Japanese version –Nintendo hasn’t removed the cross from Dracula’s tombstone yet.

  26. Yeah, Walachiya burning was totally a Rondo nod. God, I just realized how completely nerdy these comics really are.

    Nah. Personaly I think Rondo of Blood deserves the same level of popularity as Symphony of the Night, if not more. Perhaps it could finally come out over here via the Virtual Console.

  27. Heh, good job. I’ve yet to play that damn thing all the way through, despite being a Castlevania fan. The obscure clues are mind-numbing.

    By the way, I love the (assumed) Army of Darkness reference there, very funny.

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