Jim Henson’s Advent Babies

Now that traffic due to my uncomfortably infamous Final Fantasy VII review has subsided and dropped back as close to normal as I’m likely to see ever again, I’ve posted the obvious follow-up. Now your duty is:

  • Become deeply indignant that I’ve presumed to present my opinion in such a forward fashion. How dare I;
  • Post a lengthy diatribe in the comments about what a horrible sub-human monster I am; and finally,
  • Never, ever link to it.

You’ll be graded on your diatribes; personal assaults and disdainful aspersions on my professionalism are a good start, but I’m looking for real creativity. Bonus points for self-contradictory complaints, especially if they accuse me of such by building a strict, reductivist strawman version of what I actually wrote. But no clichés, please; Hilter comparisons are an automatic failing grade.

You have 30 minutes… go.

Edit: I have to say, J-Pizzle wins the prize for best response to the FFVII review (in the form of commentary for his latest comic). Passive-aggressive and subtly insulting. Not to mention the product of cojones los metales, since he reports to me.

Well played, John… you’re fired.

64 thoughts on “Jim Henson’s Advent Babies

  1. Hah! That opinion is clearly so objectively wrong that the very link to it has broken itself in shame!

    Or something.

  2. Though, on two seconds of examination, the error is obvious, and the sidebar link works anyway. Now I have no excuse not to waste my lunch break reading it.

  3. Jesus, you’re so retarded you can’t even link to the article properly. I think that says enough.

  4. Hyperbole Parish, its your worst feature.

    You know videogames, but considering your 4 star reviews for Phantom Menace and Titan AE you oughta consider staying out of film critism.

  5. I enjoyed it — your review, not the movie, which I haven’t seen yet but figure I will at some point. I’m an MST3K fan and I’ve sat through House of the Dead and the Star Wars Holiday Special, and this can’t possibly be as bad as those. Which brings me to my principal complaint on your review, where I’m in agreement with Evil Dead Junkie: the hyperbole gets tiresome. You could make a drinking game out of the number of uses of “one of the most ____ films ever made” or close variants thereon.

  6. Excellent review, it’s nice to see someone has the stones to point out what a load of tripe that AC was.

  7. Jesus H. Christ! Parish! You are a monster without any feelings whatsoever, you can´t understand the subtlety of Final Fantasy and the poetry encased in the character of Sephirot. I’m appalled that you were ever able to find a girlfriend since you lack any sense of magical realism and the beauty of the romanticism inherent to the Final Fantasy VII series in general. You hate mother earth and you simply can’t understand the anxiety and pain that comes with being a teenager in america, where everyone wants to fuck you when you hit 12 as long as you have overdeveloped tits and have something resembling a hole in your body! FFVII is all about women being sexual objects even when they are being heroic, but are always overshadowed by the male heroe’s angst, insecurities and need to stick his dick in some… something! Male needs and angst will always be more important than the entire world, that’s why Sephirot sticks his sword in Aerith, because he is the real hero of the story, his penis! And that’s why everyone loves FFVII! And so should you! For the love of God, go read some Chomsky man, go read some motherfucking Chomsky and try to understand me and my pain you unsensitive loser! It’s people like you who will put our feet on the ground and get us out this stupid egocentric fantasy we so much like to live in! FFVII RULES! Now, someone make a game where girls are more than jerking off material for socialy inept losers.

  8. Alot of these points are fair, I think. I agree that Advent Children is largely a practice in redundancy. Cloud has emotionally regressed and the conflict here wouldn’t even exist if they hadn’t introduced it. FF7 as a franchise is not really brought forward a step outside of the promise that they can milk this same conflict as often as they want. We’re almost better off with the ambiguity of FF7’s original ending.

    Still, I wouldn’t call the film dull. It’s vapid and unrealistic, but it’s still arguably the best video game movie available. Which is hardly saying much. Regardless, I still appreciate the movie from a video game culture stand-point. It’s fun to sit through (at least for me,) but once you take a step back you can laugh at how nonsensical it all really is. Which is easily just as entertaining if not more than the actual content.

  9. Thank you for giving me the context I lacked, when at 1:00 a.m., I had to explain to the four other people I had just watched AC with, WHY I thought it was bad. It wasn’t a rabid dabate or anything, but egos were bruised. I almost wanted it to come to blows. Yes, this movie was so bad, I wanted to hit people.

    It was like Dark Crytal had pity sex with Manos: Hands of Fate and they had a baby. An ugly baby.

  10. Add Another Hominem to the Pile

    by: Tomm Hulett

    Jeremy Parish, I find it hard to believe you are going to attack a video game movie when in fact your readers know all too well you have never even made a movie. And, not making a movie, how could you possibly know how difficult it is to direct such a thing, or even what makes it good or bad? Also, you have not made a video game either. So how could your cynical, feeble excuse for a mind possibly even fathom the delicate interplay between the two digital mediums? Then you have the gall to mention Ico! ICO! That game was utter crap. I could have escaped the castle one hour in, but I had to lead that stupid girl around cause she’s blind or deaf or something. I don’t even know. How could you even compare that Ico crap with Advent Children? Cloud would have cleaved that stupid queen in half, not danced to her bidding. He would’ve rode over her on his motorcycle, which shot her into the air off a parapet, and then he would have met her in midair and split her in two. It would be totally awesome. Then he’d push Ico in the pit and score with the white girl. Cause he’s so awesome.

    Which is the same thing Cloud would do to you, Jeremy Parish, if he read your “review” of his movie. I’m glad that can’t happen, because Cloud is MADE UP you idiot! He doesn’t have feelings. That isn’t even his CELL PHONE. What the hell are you talking about? You clearly don’t understand what movies are about, because you’re trying to act like these are real people. That said, I remind you that if Cloud WAS a real person, you would be Jeremy PERISHed. So you should be glad he isn’t.

    I hope when they make a Shadow of the Colossus movie (which rocks!) you don’t go anywhere near it. I bet you’d said the giants were too big and they should have been in coffee shops debating who the shadow people are. It isn’t a GAME Jeremy Parish, it’s a MOVIE. You suck.

    (at the risk of breaking my illusion–that was all a joke. Do not judge my professional career by what I just wrote in jest. Also, Kojima is not directing the MGS movie–so Parish’s point is still valid)

  11. Wow. Solid A for All tomorrow’s parties. Tomm, you would have earned an A+ but you broke kayfabe at the end. B+. The rest of you slackers have to stay after class and do Brain Age drills.

  12. Wow after reading that I can’t help but feel a warmth emanating from my wallet, nay a burning. A burning motivated to posses a small piece of your hate. I simply must have some Toastyfrog merch!

  13. 50 cent: Bulletproof is worse than Dirge of Cerberus. Not that I’ve played either…

    I’m no good at flaming.

  14. “Perhaps most depressing of all is the sheer amount of money that’s been sunk into a work with such an utter lack of redeeming qualities. Tally what Square Enix invested into the movie’s creation, then add to that the sum of cash fans have forked over to own a copy: all combined, you’ll find a sum that reaches into the hundreds of millions of dollars.

    Hundreds of millions. You could feed a small, impoverished nation with the money used to create and propagate this putrescent exercise in corporate cynicism. Thousands of children died of hunger so that we could have fightin’ pretty boys.

    But at least we got lots of sweet Advent Children merchandise, eh?”

    come on, you should know better than to trot this tired bit out for its zillionth trip around the block – even when you’re being intentionally hyperbolic this still sounds far too silly

    oh, and this – http://www.toastyfrog.com/img/blogart/0605may/adventchildren01.png – is now my desktop background, so thanks for that

  15. Nich just explained what kayfabe was. You should have specified essays would be graded on the luchadore curve. If you had an edit feature, I would so go back and redit that. I might even add in a “You’re so gay for Cloud” if it meant getting that A+ back. Please? I was up all night studying for another class.

  16. Oh dear. Now I’m all aquiver with anticipation for the horrible, bloody onslaught against scarred emo-boys and bubbly sorceresses that the FF8 retrospective will surely be.
         About the MGS movie: I honestly can’t say whether it’s good or bad that Kojima isn’t directing. But not all is lost –we should all head over to PetitionOnline, it’s the only way we can get master filmmaker Pitof to helm Metal Gear!
         Morgan: there were a few, legendary Toastyfrog plush dolls a few years back, and the ‘Zine included that neat Metroid-themed fridge magnet. Time to hit eBay!

  17. I KNEW IT!

    “broke kayfabe”. That’s a wrasslin’ term!

    I knew there had to be something to attending the same college Johnathan “Bradhsaw” Leyfield is an alumnus of! ;)

  18. It’s fun to comment without reading the other comments! Hooray.

    As for advent children. The distinguished Mr. Parrish is largely correct. The movie is an extended period of midless fluff, unintellegent and largely nonsensical.

    In other words, the kind of movie I can dig! And being a huge fan of B-movies and the whole “Adjust your brain from 11 to 4” philosophy, I have no problem with passing up a brilliant masterpiece of a movie (say, oh I dunno, “About Shmit” That’s a pretty impressive modern classic), in favor of viewing dudes who look vaugely like chicks jumping from motorcycle to motorcycle.

    Even if doing so makes one of my favorite internet writers view me with distain. I’m bold like that.

  19. Egh, I liked Advent Children, but only through sheer force of will and ridiculously strong nostalgia.

    It really bothers me that they brought Sephiroth back like that. I mean, yeah, apparently if you really really really look into the plot, they can justify it, but you shouldn’t have to stretch that far. It’s the same as when Agent Smith was brought back in the Matri…ces (?). And in both instances, the villain is “killed” in an anticlimactic way that is just a less exciting copy of the way they were dispatched the first time. Meh. Even the “Final” battles in both movies are basically identical.

    Anyway, I really wish I weren’t so lazy, though, so I could flame you or whatever it is the cool kids do. Um, you’re a jerk?

  20. I only saw Advent Children with Fake Joke Subtitles. It made the movie a million times better. I still hated the HORRIBLE LIFELESS ANIMATION and the UNFLINCHING, EMOTIONLESS FACES. Seriously can SOMEONE teach those NOOBS to animate because JESUS CHRIST WAY TO LOOK LIKE SOME MOCAP SHIT

  21. I’d rather do Brain Age drills then read the biased, hackneyed work of a Windows installing MicroSoft shill like you. That way I know I’d get far more mental stimulation than I would if I tried to read your article and understand your solipsistic world-view mixed with your barely-concealed jealousy at the truly creative and productive people of this world. In fact I could get more mental stimulation reading the ingredients on a pack of gum than I would by reading your article. You have wasted enough of my (and everyone else’s) precious time. Good day sir. … I said Good day!

  22. Interesting. I liked Advent Children, yet I agree with that entire review, and still don’t like it any less. I think I might be a consumer whore.

  23. In regards to your latest jingoist turkey-cock smuggery, the motorized cutlery set Cloud rides in Advent Children is sharper than you are, Mr. Parish. We all know Advent Children was a vehicle for Cloud’s continued Brokeback affection for Sephiroth. The movie CLEARLY shows Cloud’s condition post-Sephiroth as he’s suffered a pox on his ‘curling’ arm from the fervent onanism he has performed in fond rememberence of his departed lover. Something YOU clearly ignored in the half-assed mediocraty you call a ‘review’. I’d expect this sort of chain-smoking hackery out of a monkey chained to a keyboard. A greasy haired emo monkey. Typing up sophist nonsense for its fake myspace account. Yeah, much like the smell of stale beer farts, your recent tirade mades a giant tear manifest itself on my face at the sheer expance of your pedantic verbal flailing. Definitive Gamepro grade writing. No recess for you for the rest of the week, mister. Your recent display makes me fear your down’s syndrome may rub off on the other children. Go on. Climb into the discarded freezer, close the door, and accept your fate in solitary confinement.

  24. Wait…Jeremy, do you still have a girlfriend? If not, I think that explains a few things around here.

  25. It will be easy to tell if Jeremy gets his heart broken, because the next update will be titled “Top 10 Reasons Final Fantasy VIII doesn’t suck”

  26. Oh, it has nothing to do with disliking the movie, it has to do with this post seeming to have an even-higher level of dorkiness than I’m used to seeing. :-)

  27. Don’t you see what you’ve started? If you read the Advent Children review without having seen Advent Children, it’s not nearly as entertaining, so you HAVE to see AC… And if you watch AC without playing FFVII, it’s just a big empty mess, so you HAVE to play Final Fantasy VII.

  28. Easy with that Trump impersonation–y’don’t wanna get them Buffet-haters all excited.

  29. It’s hard for me to tell if these internet people are being serious in their posts or if they’re just playing around. I wouldn’t waste my time visiting a site of a person who wrote an article I disagreed with, so I would like to believe it would be the latter.

    I liked the article. Glad to see more content on Toastyfrog.

    lol @ pics.

    2 ee props.

  30. If we all stopped visiting the sites of people we disagreed with, they’d have to shut down the Internet altogether.

  31. Jeremy, your lovable vitriol is what keeps me coming back to this big scary Internet when other people frighten the shit out of me.

    Bravo, sir. Bravo.

  32. I can never tell with you guys, are we being ironic or serious when we say hyperbole is the worst thing about Jeremy’s writing?

  33. Definately the harshest review of Advent Children I’ve seen, but I can hardly say it suprises me. This FFVII blitz has always stuck as a touch on the idiotic side. The only reason any of it exists is because of the game near-psychoticly fervent fanbase.

    I mean, what if every franchise decided to blitz out it’s hottest property like this? At least with something like Mega Man at least has the dignity (such as the poor guy has left) to stick to a couple genres and platforms. Sure their’s some action figures and a couple (bad, swept under the run) cartoon series, but it’s always been more of less about the game. The most outlandish thing they’ve done of late is the unlockable anime film in Maverick Hunter X, which I’m told is actually suprisingly well done (oh the irony). That said, Mega Man is an entire franchise. Final Fantasy VII is a single game. You can branch out and milk an entire franchise five ways to Sunday and at least somewhat get away with it, Square’s pushing of FFVII, better part of a decade later no less, is just plain weird.

    Okay, did any of that make any sense whatsoever? It all sounded, like, deep when I was typing it, but now it looks like jibberish.

  34. To be fair, there are some good bits in the movie. Like, you know, when Tifa beats up that guy in the church? And the cell phone rings, and it’s the victory theme? That was awesome.

    OK, good bit.

  35. I used to have that ring on my cell phone (as I’m sure many of our kind have at some point), so at that point in the movie I thought it was going off. It was very “meta”.

  36. Ah, crud, the ascii in the game title mucked up my post. What that was supposed to be:

    “Like the time I rolled up a cell phone in We Love Katamari, and thought mine was ringing because I use KD midis for rings. Yes, we’re all incurable geeks ’round these parts.”

  37. That was quite possibly one of the greatest reviews Parish has ever written. Not a single punch was pulled, yet it was written in such a way that it didn’t seem like trash talk. Well done.

  38. You neglected to mention the music at all, and I can see why: it’s the only potentially redeeming feature, although it is still just the unoriginal but welcome arrangement of original game tracks that suffered more from horrible sound engineering than composer incompetence. Without its soundtrack, The Abortion really would approach the Platonic form of vacuity you were looking to rail against.

  39. Cary: You get it, you definetly get it. Compare, for example, Snatcher and Metal Gear Solid 2. MGS2 is a game that has some jokes but it’s pretty much one big cinematic with serious statements on the government, nuclear weapons, war, etc, it’s silly because the developers took everything too seriously and that always leaves a bad taste (mostly to players who like Stanley Kubrick for serious cinema and (used to like?) Hideo Kojima and friends for fun games. Snatcher is one big cinematic but the story never tries to be too serious, it’s never a big statement on nuclear weapons or war, it tells us it’s bad and stuff but the game kind of assumes we already knew that anyway, there are jokes and references to other Konami games all over the game (the suicide rate went up because you can’t jump when climbing stairs in castlevania, etc), it was funny, silly and you worried for the hero because he was also silly and even when things where really bad he tried to hit on some chicks, a funny pathetic loser (like Tex Murphy), it was lighthearted fun, and it was a fully interactive movie, you didn’t have to listen to some big speech on war and how the world sucks.
    Same thing with FFVII, the Chocobo breeding game was an awesome thing put inside a game that didn’t wanted to play along in that direction of fun (it could even have been one of the central points of FFVII, to create a flying chocobo, chocobo trading, etc.), and that is what FFVII lacks, the type of fun that makes the game playable beyond just the story, that silly comedy charm that could have even become part of gameplay. Like Wind Waker and the hide and seek game, the picture contest, etc. Games have to be games, when they fully try to become movies it makes me sad.

  40. ATP–why did you pick MGS2 for that example instead of MGS? MGS is the one with all the anti-nuke ranting. MGS2 is the big post-modern experiment you either do or don’t believe in.

  41. Jesus, Parish. This is actually one of the best reviews I’ve ever read. (Holy Hyperbole!)
    Usually when a review/summary/etc is incredibly damning, it seems as if it’s being too harsh just for the sake of harshness. This review is actually spot on, which means the world is a worse place now because some company has made something SO BAD that a ridiculously harsh review is actually fitting and completely on the level. Fear.

    I would also like to point out to the world: why are videogame movies still being made? How many dozens have been made, and how many of those have been utter tripe? All of them. Yes, they ALL suck. There is a fundamental chasm between the qualities that make a good game and the qualities that make a good movie that can never, ever be bridged. Think about the amount of money wasted, and then think about the STUPIDITY of human beings for continuing to pursue these moronic ventures. They say that inability to learn from clear mistakes is a good indication of mental retardation.
    Gives a rosy prediction for humanity’s future, doesn’t it?

  42. The funny thing is, even the games that try to be movies end up being really crappy when they finally get made into actual films. Now let us all cower in fear of the idea of a Castlevania movie.

  43. I want to see another FFVII prequel where they explain how Rufus got the Ghostbusters trap from Egon. And I noticed the trap got slashed in the movie. I thought all the ghosts got released when you did that? Will SOMEONE explain this movie please?!?!

  44. You hit many of the things I hated about Advent Children. I can’t believe how FF7 fans are falling for this piece of crap.

    The absolute worst thing about that movie/cash cow was how Cloud was emo all over again. I think Nomura did the same thing to Riku in Kingdom Hearts 2 (who was fine after Chain of Memories).

  45. I’ve thought long and hard about what I think of Advent Children, after absorbing all of the lame deleted scenes (What if Cloud hit that chunk of building from THIS angle instead?!) and that extended reel of in-game footage probably meant to help bring people who passed on the game up to speed.
    So, to me, Advent Children is a handjob from an apathetic participant.

  46. I’m surprised no one has mentioned the part where Cloud is being thrown up by all his friends to kill Bahamut (or whatever that dragon thing was). I wanted to throw something up at that part too, but it wasn’t Cloud. That may have been the most insulting part of the movie for me. So stupid.

  47. Tomm: Because I rather enjoyed MGS1 and didn’t dare to even try to say something bad about it :(

    I’m still a Kojima fan, hate me. I can’t completely hate the man.

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