Raiders of the lost tomb

I’m not sure why Tomb Raider has to fall into the “guilty pleasure” category, but my abiding love for the original game has always been a point of scorn among my friends. Yes, Lara Croft is hideous and preposterously-designed, but the game itself was great. A 3D Prince of Persia without the fencing skeletons; a polygonal Metroid without the spin-jumps and shooting. Seriously, the original was good. Good enough, in fact, that I slogged through the entirety of the second game and a few hours each of its sequels, and considering how crappy those sequels were that’s really saying a lot.

Well, soon enough you’ll all see things my way. I’ve previewed Tomb Raider Legend over at The Land of Magical Paychecks, and the demo Eidos provided was really quite excellent. Of course, there’s plenty of room for the final game to go horribly wrong, but somehow I don’t think it will. So all you haters can kiss my tuchus.

Lara’s chest, it should be noted, is still pretty preposterously huge, even after her much-lauded reductive surgery. And since this is the post-DOA era, she’s, erm, very well animated up there. A nickel of free advice, Ms. Croft: A sports bra will make your future adventures far less painful.

In other gaming news, the news that Mother 3 actually exists and is coming soon has inspired me to trudge through Earthbound and Earthbound Zero. I made it all the way to Saturn Valley back in the day before Earthbound’s generally bland gameplay trumped the charmingly ridiculous plot and I moved on to more entertaining endeavors like soap carving and counting bumps on the ceiling. But this time I’m going to make it all the way, though, honest. (This vow brought to you by Chicanery and emulation on PSP.)

11 thoughts on “Raiders of the lost tomb

  1. …So that’s how you spell ‘tuchus,’ huh?

    Tomb Raider 1 was decent. I always wondered how it would/did fare in Asia, though. Maybe they could retrofit it with a spunky, more underaged Lara leaping around in a pleated skirt.

    My favorite part was flipping out and shooting the holy frak out of endangered species though. I tucked myself into a tiny alcove and took out the T-Rex with about ten or fifteen minutes of constant fire with the basic handguns.

    And how about the mix and match mythology in that ruin toward the end?

  2. You mean ancient Atlantis wasn’t the same as ancient Egypt? As for tuchus, that’s how Opus spelled it, and when in doubt I always go with the penguin’s word.

  3. Maybe they could retrofit it with a spunky, more underaged Lara leaping around in a pleated skirt.

    Manna, whoever you are, I hate you.

  4. I really tried to like Tomb Raider 2. Speedboats in Venice. As if the Indiana Jones ripping wasn’t already transparent.

    For some warped reason, I only ever finished that segment of the game while the Beverly Hillbilly movie droned on the TV behind me. Now I can never think of one or the other without frightening flashbacks of both.

  5. Bah. What’s the point of Mother 3 if Nintendo keeps refusing to release the GBA ports of the first two games in the U.S.? Why do they hate the franchise so much? I mean even Fire Emblem got released before it.

  6. Because despite how loud and aggressive they are, Earthbound fans are a tiny, tiny group of cultish fanatics who don’t represent a decent profit margin for Nintendo?

  7. Earthbound Zero is a fun, fun game until I think the final 3rd leg– I’m currently getting my ass kicked by the caves to the east of Ellay.

    Thanks to NESterDC, I’m getting the full nostalgia vibe, camping out in front of the TV, plugging away at an NES RPG.

    I’m pleasantly surprised at the humor in Zero– it seems rather cutting edge from what I remember of NES games back in the day. PLus, the enemy descriptions on each encounter are hillarious.

    I wish it had gotten released for real, though. Having to slog through figuring out what items and PSI powers do what without a manual was a bit of a pain at first.

  8. The fact you haven’t beaten Earthbound somehow opened up a void in my heart. I’ve played it through well over five times, each zanier than the last (though I’ve never beaten the NES version). Then again, I did import 1+2 as well as made no more than THREE serious attempts to get it released over here (in varying degrees–see: TeamXK’s craziest encounter with Hiroshi Yamauchi).

    I always thought it was tukus.

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