turkish101 (GameSpite Issue 1…): I -totally- knew what 'wh… Suto (Almost a success …): Congratulations on your a… StriderDL (Almost a success …): What Kupek said. You don… Rob (Almost a success …): I think Parish should con… Kupek (Almost a success …): Adding muscle mass can he… Byron (Persona-ly speaki…): I know Talking Time was a… mrbuu82 (Almost a success …): I was pretty sure he had … Josh_AnimeBum (Almost a success …): Didn't Nintendo claim it … mrbuu82 (Almost a success …): Any chance of the softcov… spineshark (Persona-ly speaki…): I played Persona 3 in rou…
This is the archive, folks. The current stuff is on the main page.
When were the nights so long
30 June 08 | 22:46 | Posted by:
I can't believe 2008 is already halfway over. It's been a disappointingly crappy year so far; I'd really expected better from 2008. Instead, it seems to be taking a perverse pleasure in undermining my rapidly-plummeting hopes -- every time I think it can't possibly get worse, it does. Take today, for instance: I'd kind of assumed things were about to turn around and start improving, but then the drive recovery people let my girlfriend know that they won't be able to salvage any of the several years' worth of data on her hard drive after all. Oh, and that they'll be charging us a few hundreds bucks for the privilege of knowing that they're useless, thanks very much. This is where I'd normally say, "Well, at least it can't get any worse!" But by now I know better, see. But enough of my lamentations. Have at you! Add to Queue | Weekly DVD Releases
Wow, Vantage Point is out this week. Now there is a movie that deserves an award of some kind! Maybe it could be a trophy shaped like a garbage can overflowing with sewage and the desiccated remains of human hope! Really, the failure of the film to live up to its trailers' potential is worthy of some kind of horrible prize. Someone call the Nobel committee.
New Game + | Weekly Game Releases
This week's column correctly calls out Magnetica Twist as being similar to Zuma, except actually the reverse is true. If for some reason you feel compelled to own this magnetic-ball game in some form, please support justice and righteousness and pick up Magnetica to support Mitchell (who created the concept) rather than developers that fail to credit their obvious inspirations.
GameSpite Issue 8.2: A world without connective ligament
29 June 08 | 10:50 | Posted by:
Star Ocean: The Second Story
I like to find common themes in the games I post each week, but Mightyblue had to go and spoil it for me by writing about the second Star Ocean instead of the third. This could totally be a week of collective hallucinations and false realities! But nooooo. Instead it's about, uh, cooking. Also available: A series overview.
The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening
Run! It's New Games Journalism! Just kidding. This article has nothing to do with vegan burritos and spend almost its entire (brief) length discussing the game and its trappings and this has no relationship whatsoever to NGJ. Unless maybe it was written under the influence of hallucinogens! Also, not yet available: A series overview. Yeah, I gotta straighten out my priorities.
Also, I've finally re-added a links page to the site. Don't weep if you're not on here. I banged this out randomly from memory, and we all know my memory ain't what it used to be at this point. To say nothing of what RSS has done to my attention span! I'll add more stuff later when I remember what sites I actually frequent.
Since kicking off the subscription thing last week -- please refer to the lovely images in the sidebar to participate! -- I've received several common inquiries. Please allow me to address these now:
Can I just send some money once? Well, the idea behind a subscription plan is that a bunch of small payments can be split among the contributors for each issue. So one-time lump sums would kind of suck for everyone who writes the following month.
Do I have to use PayPal? I prefer to distribute the cash through PayPal, so yeah, it's easier to keep it within the family, so to speak.
Geez, do you not want my money or something!? Hopefully the subscription plan is merely a temporary way to fund the site's contributors, so I don't want to go overboard with it. If you're not keen on the system, that's fine -- just enjoy the weekly updates.
How can I write for GameSpite? The GameSpite wiki a limited-access thing, and I'm trying to keep the pool of authors manageable by only adding a few at a time. I also want to preserve the community-oriented aspect of the site, so I prefer to draw upon forum and comments regulars. That being said, I'll probably put out a call for fresh blood soon, so hang on until then.
Anyway, thanks for reading. Someday, GameSpite will magically become a real boy thanks to your support.
It only took a year after we recorded a Diablo-based episode of Retronauts and everyone seemed convinced that a sequel was due any moment now, but Blizzard has finally announced that Diablo III is in the works. This is very exciting! Or it would be, if I'd ever played Diablo -- which, you'll be sad to know, is a shortcoming I still haven't rectified since we recorded that podcast. I feel sort of left out of the excitement, to be honest. Looks like we have a Fun Club RPG selection for August, wot?
What does make me happy is that I've managed to stick to that exercise plan I kicked off last week. Twelve days in a row I've forced myself to climb on that torture device and pedal like mad, to the point that I've even developed a Stockholm Syndrome relationship with it. I actually look forward to getting home from work and abusing myself for half an hour or so. It's the sole highlight of my day. I can't control the fact that I'm selling off just about everything I own so my girlfriend and I can afford food while she's looking for work, and I can't control the fact that I'm superfluous at work, but by god I can make myself sweat profusely for thirty minutes. I don't feel like I'm much healthier just yet, but at least the endorphin rush offers me a brief respite from the drudgery of existence. So that's good, in a futile sort of way.
I was overcome by a wave of complete insanity yesterday once the Mega Man 9 news hit and immediately decided to replay the series myself. Then I realized that I don't have the time for anything that fun, so instead I'm going to live vicariously through you with a group of Talking Time Fun Club threads. Please play these games and talk about them so I can pretend I still have the time and freedom do things I enjoy:
So that Mega Man 9 screen from last week was a filthy, ugly lie, but of course the game itself isn't. I was talking last night to our overlord Sam Kennedy about how my ideal version MM9 would be an old-school sprite-based game developed by Inticreates, they who were responsible for the Zero and ZX games and curiously have nothing known in the works... but that I figured Capcom would probably farm it out to Backbone for a half-hearted 2.5D snoozefest. But no! According to this thread at (urk) GAF, the new Nintendo Power has a first look at MM9... an old-school sprite-based game developed by Inticreates.
So, between this and my causing the announcement of Wario Land: Shake It, I appear to be on a roll! Any requests? Remember, I prefer to use my powers for good, not evil. So no requesting Xenogears 2 -- oh, wait, I said I'd stop doing that.
Edit: Scans are up at Rockman Perfect Memories. Totally illicit scans that as someone in the press should offend me, but um... Mega Man 9! Looking all 8-bit, too, which is good because the added resolution and animation of Mega Man 7 and later ruined the feel of the series.
So, next up, Chrono Break, perhaps?
Edit edit: In case you were wondering, Inticreates totally has 8-bit cred, as you can see from this rad Mega Man ZX Advent minigame:
Man, if I'd known Nintendo was waiting for me to express my determination to love Wario Land: Shake -- now officially slated for U.S. release as Wario Land: Shake It -- I'd have gushed about it sooner. But at least this way I get an official PR-approved screen shot to post. As such:
A 2D platformer slated for console release, and not as cheap DLC? It really is a rare wonder in this world. Of course, this also means the pressure's on: If it sucks, the public refrain will inevitably be, "This should have been a $10 downloadable game!" And we'll never see another full-budget 2D console release again.
I have to admit a bit of trepidation inspired by this image. Wario is clearly taking the game's title to heart and shaking things, but in my experience platformers don't take well to this mechanic. Treasure's already messed around with it in the form of Mischief Makers and Silhouette Mirage, two decent platformers which would have been much better if you didn't have to stop every few seconds and fling enemies around until their pockets were empty. Weirdly, Treasure's not developing Shake It, even though they did create Wario World. There's probably some sort of symbolic circularity here, but I don't want to think about it too hard. I'm too tired to be pretentious today. Clearly, old age is taking its toll on me.
ITEM THE FIRST. I know what you're thinking: Oh god, he's posted a Xenogears pic. I thought he promised we were done with this nonsense. Actually, yeah, we are. It's just that, according to The Internet, Square Enix will be releasing a bunch of its old games on PlayStation Network. (In Japan only, of course. What, did you think good retro DLC would come to the U.S.? You sad, disappointed dreamer, you.) Among the titles included is, obviously, Xenogears. I can tell I'm getting soft in my old age, because I actually found myself thinking, "Hey, I might actually play that if I could download it onto my PSP." Somebody, please punch me until I come to my senses.
ITEM THE SECOND. The new issue of EGM appears to have hit the first batch of subscribers and is already causing no end of heartache, since this is the first issue in which many of the three-man reviews have been supplanted by solo write-ups. I personally think the single-writer reviews are good, because I can present a far more thorough critique in 350 words than in 90. I'm not sure that three cramped blurbs do any game justice now that the medium has grown more complex -- it's a good change that reflects the current state of the medium. In any case, among said solo reviews are my critiques of Final Fantasy IV and Chocobo's Dungeon, and I can't decide which game's message board reactions bemuse me more. I am definitely surprised to learn FFIV has been grievously slighted with a solid "good" rating; but Chocobo's Dungeon received even higher marks, and somehow that appears to have invalidated the review, according to the game's fans. The idea that a good score for a game you like should be cause for suspicion is a sort of pretzel logic that leaves me baffled. I realize the obvious solution is to stop reading forums, but you know how addictive it can be to watch insanity in action.
ITEM THE THIRD. I am now plowing my way through the U.S. version of Dragon Quest IV, which might end up being the last game I'm unreservedly excited about this year. Except maybe Mirror's Edge, which I'm hoping will turn out to be as rad as it looks rather than another promising big-budget flop like Assassin's Creed. Oh, yes -- and also Wario Land Shake. Because seriously, a 2D platformer on a console? When a coelacanth swims its way out of prehistory and into your net, you don't just stand there looking slack-jawed as it slips away. No, you must capture this precious creature and take it home with you. Rejoice, for it is not in any way affiliated with Suzak!
Add to Queue | Weekly DVD Releases
Mark your calendars -- this may be the only time I've actually seen the pick of the week while our Noble Columnist hasn't. Persepolis is a beautifully-illustrated and grippingly authentic movie, and I absolutely loved it. Now that it's widely available, please do planet earth a favor and watch it. You will find it enlightening, I hope.
New Game + | Weekly Game Releases
The official columnist verdict for this week is boo on Final Fantasy Tactics A2. Me, I'm not quite so down on it. It's not great -- I gave it a B-minus in EGM -- but it's decent enough. I've been playing its predecessor lately, and the new release is an odd mix of improvements and steps backward. However, being able to suspend the game by closing the DS? Priceless.
Ha! Ha! I thought. It's the lolcat sequel to Ping Pals, I thought, the only possible way to make that needless game even more unnecessary!
No, he said. Read it carefully.
So I di--wh, what?
So apparently they've made a video game out of Catloaf? That's awesome. But it does make me wonder, what would kitten breads taste like? My girlfriend is Vietnamese, so all we ever eat around here is dog.
(Disclaimer for those with a stick up their bum: My girlfriend doesn't actually eat dog. It is a joke she and her cousins make constantly. They also make fun of me for being white! OK? Now remove that stick. And, uh, wash it carefully. Do you know where that thing's been?)
You know, when I blogged about my efforts to rescue and clothe a poor, abandoned ninja girl and mentioned Izuna 2 in passing, I didn't realize the synchronicity I had inadvertently set into motion. But now Atlus has gone and connected the dots for me by saying, "How can we market a challenging roguelike RPG about ninja warriors in ancient Japan? Hmmm. Ah yes! Breasts!" And lo:
(I added the censor bars myself, though they probably aren't strictly necessary, as Izuna's figure is pendulous enough that nothing technically obscene is shown. But sometimes people I know and respect see this site, so! Black bars it is.)
Anyway, the two images above are posters to be potentially included as a preorder bonus with the game, and the publisher is allowing fans to vote on which they prefer. Me, I'm voting for the second one, because I love the hilarious self-editing that tries to pass off what is clearly a sake bottle and saucers as "milk." From this we may establish a hierarchy of what is acceptable in media: Hollywood has proven that violence is preferable to sex, but it seems overt sexualization trumps underaged drinking. True, the de-sake-fication is present in the one on the left, too, but coupled with the rather grotesque anatomical exaggeration it suggests an entirely different meaning. Plus, I'd only be about 60% embarrassed to display the one on the right, where as the first one would hover right around the 98% humiliation threshold.
This does bring to light the curious conundrum of selling niche games. Clearly Atlus is a company that more or less exists to localize hardcore RPGs and strategy games catering to small crowds of dedicated enthusiasts, but I guess marketing a roguelike is too demanding a task even for a corporate entity fine-tuned for the promotion of the obscure and unfriendly. (Certainly they're not alone; the pitches I've seen this year for the likes of Chocobo and Pokémon-flavored Mystery Dungeon games have bent over backwards to dance around any mention of how the games actually play.) They didn't even bother to send us a copy of Baroque to review, and now with Izuna 2 they're playing up the fact that the game's character designer really likes to draw breasts. The fact that the game consists entirely of simple randomly-generated tiles and chubby miniature sprites dying a lot? Uh, pay no attention to the roguelike behind the curtain.
It's kind of a shame, because Izuna 2 is actually really good -- it plays much better than its predecessor, with some great new Big Picture concepts and lots of welcome minor improvements. It feels more like Shiren the Wanderer than most Chunsoft-developed games, in fact. The irony of it all is that I can easily imagine how this line of marketing, redolent of lolita complexes as it is, could actually drive away the RPG fans who would actually appreciate the game it for its merits. But don't worry, guys. The game is all about number-crunching and daunting setbacks and tiny graphics that would have looked fairly mundane on Genesis.
So I guess what I'm saying is, don't let the all this questionably-tasteful nonsense scare you away! Izuna 2 is a good old-fashioned RPG, and liking its gameplay will not in fact make you a pedophile. That is all.
GameSpite Issue 8.1: Exploding in your face like a word grenade
22 June 08 | 15:33 | Posted by:
Rocket Knight Adventures
Kishi's Rocket Knight retrospective laments the glut of crappy mascot games which served as the matrix of awfulness from which this rare gem materialized. I can't really argue with that, since I actually missed out on the game back in the day because I assumed it was another terrible bucket of swill like Bubsy or Awesome Possum. The tragedy of it all.
The World Ends With You
In one of those rare and frightening instances where someone has actually written about something recent, the mysterious Cynical Valkyrie has dropped off her thoughts on the merits of Jupiter's emo excellent DS adventure, presumably on the way to collect souls for Valhalla or something. Read it, and little by little you'll feel a bit better.
With a full seven issues of this online zine out of the way, I feel comfortable in proclaiming that my tragically never-completed final few issues of the old ToastyFrog print zine have been acquitted. So far, Team GameSpite has more than capably put together enough content to have filled up quite a few print issues, and I dare say the content is quite a bit better now than it would have been a few years ago, seeing as I've spent some time in the real world being an actual editor.
With that being said, my next goal -- a personal mission, really! -- is to transform this site into something better. Perhaps even something professional. (Well, professional-ish.) I'd like to begin by compensating the site's loyal contributors, who have written many articles for your edification and entertainment. Thus we revisit the classic, time-tested Internet model of "panhandling for donations," or rather, offering voluntary monthly subscriptions:
If you like what you read here, please consider signing up for one of these! It would be a grand gesture. The first button is a $3 monthly payment; the second is for a $10 monthly subscription which includes random gift mailings every few months. Buttons, magnets, postcards, artwork, that sort of thing. Half of the money earned each month will go to the writers, while the rest will be put toward server fees, software licenses, gift-creation materials and other annoying realities of maintaining a site like this. I promise not to drink away the proceeds, curled up in a gutter clutching a bottle of Thunderbird. (Mainly because I don't like alcohol very much and the gutters in San Francisco tend to be chilly in the summer.)
Of course, no one is obligated or anything. But for those rare and noble altruists sitting at home thinking, "I love GameSpite! If only I could somehow give back," well, today is your lucky day. Unless you don't use PayPal, in which case, never mind! (Exciting edit: Now the links actually work. Ha. Ha.)
But either way, please enjoy the hell out of this issue over the coming weeks.
A few more of those laughable old "Mutants" cards. Now featuring 67% mutants by volume!
After the Ronald-esque Rambozo from last time, Mutogrimace would suggest that my beta version self found tremendous humor in subverting McDonald's iconography. The tiny fleeing person and random objects embedded in his flesh presage Akira! Or not.
Alien Commando is, uh, I think a face that I copied from an issue of Mad magazine, placed atop a badly-drawn soldier. I dunno.
And finally, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtleneck suggests an alternate reality where Eastman and Laird's creation remained the exclusive provenance of the underground comics scene, discussed with great sincerity by pencil-thin, latte-sipping European intellectuals in turtlenecks. (But much like Gandhi in legendary film Gandhi II: No More Mr. Passive Resistance, they still knew how to party, as evidenced by the continued presence of the Party Wagon van.)
Right. So anyway, I've managed to continue pummeling myself on the exercise bike for five days now, steadily building from my feeble start to something resembling an actual routine. More important, I've survived the first couple of days of my body telling me that I'm a terrible, awful person and moved into the "vaguely starting to look forward to the pain" phase. I'm also at that point where my atrophied muscles actually feel weaker than they did before I started punishing them, which in my experience is a sign that they're about to man up and get with with the program. So that's good. It would be even better if the weather here weren't hovering in the 90s, which is absolutely not typical of summer in San Francisco and, combined with the fact that residences here almost universally lack air conditioning, has made my health efforts a trial by fire. Or at least by air that feels like it's burning.
I actually think it could be authentic! A fake screen would, in all honestly, probably be a bit more stylish than this. Fans like to jazz things up, ya know? What I see here is something just crappy and awkward enough to be an authentically slapdash effort on Capcom's behalf. (You can check out the original image here.)
If nothing else, this is a nice litmus test to see how low our expectations for this franchise have sunk.
Edit: Mercifully proven fake. No doubt the real MM9 will be crummy in an entirely different way.
I've been meaning to scan these things I dug up a while ago.
Back when I was in, oh, eighth grade or so (ohgodthatwastwentyyearsagodon'tthinkaboutit), I had a mad idea to create a bunch of collector's cards, creatively entitled "Mutants." This was in 1988 or '89, so one might think this was somehow inspired by Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles -- and indeed, a few ninja turtles did make their way into the collection -- but in fact, that's not the case. Rather, they were inspired by my favorite game at that particular moment, Blaster Master, whose underground corridors were teeming with mutants. Why not make my own, I figured? And so I did.
Yes, even at this young age, my love of irritating puns and dishwater-flat jokes was in clear evidence. From left: Jason (goalie for the Detroid Un-dead-things), Sir Dentifrice of the Dinner Table (battling what appears to be a Cavity Creep with a toothbrush and a shield emblazoned with his motto, "For Sooth For Tooth"), and Rambozo. Who for some reason looks rather more like Ronald McDonald, but give young me a break. He was only 13.
if you've ever wondered where the downward spiral of my existence began, it may well have been here! Anyway, I have about 50 of these. I'll probably scan them in from time to time. You know, when I feel the need to embarrass myself.
Meanwhile, the latest episode of Retronauts is live. I would say it's very exciting, but you've heard my voice; I'm as sleepy and not-particularly-sonorous as ever. Also, there's ninja erotica (fortunately of the non-turtle variety) over on my 1UP blog. I get paid for this stuff, guys.
I'm not sure I really understand why this exists, but it's amazing and creepy and I feel like the world is a better place for its presence among us. In a small, useless sort of way.
I've just completed Day Two of Operation: Stop Being Such a Flabby Sack of Crap. Hooray! I'm dying. I'd like to thank my exercise bike for being my sweat- and suffering-inducing tormentor. Two days down, the rest of my life to go.
I thought people were lying when they said that your body magically becomes fat at age 30, but no! Since I hit that grim number, I've steadily thickened. It probably doesn't help that right around the time I turned 30 I started dating a girl whose eating habits were the opposite of mine (I prefer a solid lunch and a light dinner, she prefers to eat her large meal later in the day) and moved away from Nob Hill and thus no longer walk a mile downhill to work every day. I've been trying to eat carefully lately, but to no real avail. Meanwhile, I ate like a pig in Japan but lost quite a bit of weight since I was walking several miles a day. Thus I realize the indubitable importance of exercise and must sadly bid my sedentary life farewell.
Notice the distinct lack of Wii Fit in this plan! Video games (or at least a motionless life of writing about them) got me into this predicament. I don't trust them to turn the situation around.
Anyway, my legs have solidified from their gelatinous state in the time it took to write this, so now I shall hobble into the kitchen for a giant bowl of ice cream tiny morsel of dry toast and water. (That's "dry toast" and "water," not toast and water that are both dry. Just in case you mis-parsed that sentence. Right. Anyway.)
I appeared in a, um, comedy segment, I guess? On the debut episode of the new 1UP FM podcast, formerly EGM Live*. It's basically 10 minutes of me talking about bobservo's feature on the five worst J-RPG character names ever and tossing out my own suggestions. Perhaps unsurprisingly, Legend of Dragoon offers the single most awful name imaginable -- a name so intrinsically terrible that everyone I've mentioned it to has burst out laughing. Thanks, Sony, for an RPG so lousy we're still laughing about it nearly a decade later.
Also, the Spore verdict:
Alarmingly accurate, yet nauseatingly wrong. In other words, I'm sold.
Add to Queue | Weekly DVD Releases
I rather enjoyed Be Kind Rewind, not least of all because it means I've actually seen a movie being covered in this column. Without question, the best part of the film was the "sweded" videos, and if this week's DVD release doesn't contain a massive gallery of bonus sweded outtakes, it's a complete waste of the home video format.
New Game + | Weekly Game Releases
I've liked Etrian Odyssey since I previewed the original, despite having no knowledge or preconceptions going into it. I didn't expect it to become this crazy fanatical underground cult hit, but I love that it has. However! Please do not overlook Space Invaders Extreme this week. It's really much better than any Space Invaders game has been in... decades?
Oh, look, it's another Metal Gear post. Surprised? But this one is not about the game! No, it's about how the series has just become too meta for its own good. And that's saying something.
Apparently someone has gone and created OILIX in real-life. OILIX, of course, was the fictional MacGuffin that initiated the plotline to Metal Gear 2, only to never be mentioned again in any of its sequels; a lab-engineered microorganism designed to poop petroleum as a solution to the world's energy shortages. And now someone's gone and created it, nearly two decades later. Man, if you thought Kojima fanboys were insufferable in singing praises to his visionary genius before....
Seems those rumors about Mega Man 9 being in the works could have some sort of substance behind them, as Capcom has registered a multiplatform game by that name with Australia's equivalent of the ESRB. Or so Mr. Internet tells me.
We have a rocky relationship, Mr. Internet and I. He lies to me a lot, and he's very emotionally, shall we say, unstable. Prone to blowing up in my face at unexpected moments. But sometimes he's on the level, and this seems to be one of those cases. The question is, do I want him to be right?
Capcom seems to have about a 50% track record when it comes to reviving old franchises. This is, admittedly, miles beyond nearly any other old-tyme developer who's still around and kicking, but it still makes for even odds that any supposed ninth chapter of this hoary old series will be a flop. Most people seem to suggest an inexpensive downloadable content-style Mega Man Powered Up offshoot as the ideal model for this endeavor, but I'm not sure I agree. Powered Up was lovely on PSP, but have you ever played it through a PSP-2000's video out? What is brilliant as a portable game feels awfully clumsy as a console title.
And then there are the new sequels to Commando and 1943, Capcom's grand experiment with kick-starting old franchises via DLC. They're competent, but something about them feels a little off. There's nothing about Wolf of the Battlefield in particular that says, "Hey, this is Commando 3 and not just some random generic top-down shooter!" Of course, Mega Man has enough entrenched, time-encrusted traditions that it'll be instantly recognizable. Will it be any good, though? Let's be honest; the original series was well along the downslope of diminishing returns when they stopped churning them out, and if MM9 is as tepid as the past few entries you'll have to wonder why they even bothered. And maybe that's the real problem: The longer a series lays buried -- ten years, in this case -- the better its return needs to be in order to justify exhuming its corpse. I'm not sure Capcom has it in 'em.
I'm sure we'll learn the (terrible?) truth at E3, or maybe at TGS. If Mega Man turns out to be angry and dreadlocked, I feel fully entitled to clucking in disappointment and maybe even launching an angry tirade at Mr. Internet. Not that it would be his fault, but our abusive relationship goes both ways.
Wow, I've really arrived -- I've received my first smear attack on BoingBoing, regarding the Konami NDA situation. For reference: I have no integrity for signing an NDA, I'm a spineless apologist for posting an even-handed piece of commentary in response to the violent nerd overreactions that've been circulating gaming forums for the past month, and most surprising of all, gamers aren't the only ones who think video games are Serious Business and erroneously conflate "criticism" with "journalism."
I'd always assumed I'd be devastated if someone at such a large site tore me a new one, but the situation has been so blown out of proportion that I find myself simply bemused and not personally offended in the least. I guess years of seeing slam-bloggers demonize celebrities and other people in the most vicious terms possible has dulled the edge of this sort of thing.
The irony of it all is that the MGS4 review situation has motivated me to begin formulating my own ideas for an independent site. Ideas which include a blog element that -- unlike venues such as, oh, say, BoingBoing and Gawker-type site -- would rely not on frothing, purple hysterics and personal screeds to build its readership, but rather on measured, thoughtful commentary. Of course, a site like that wouldn't get anywhere near the traffic they do, because the Internet thrives on conflict. But at least when I go to sleep at night in my cardboard box and look at myself the next morning in the warped and broken shard of glass that serves as my makeshift mirror, I can feel good knowing that my desperate poverty can be credited to integrity. God bless America and the Internet!
I've joked a few times lately about being the Senior Editor of Metal Gear, but it's kinda true. Now that I'm done covering it, I found myself spending a fair portion of today sitting around wondering what I should do with my time. I mean, I have projects to work on, but I need to reconfigure my brain first. I feel like a spy who's been in deep cover and needs reprogramming before being repatriated.
Especially since I'm couching things in terms of espionage.
And let's not even think about the fact that I dressed as a cardboard box today. Yeah.
Hope you're ready for 25 hours of looking at Solid Snake's rock-solid butt, folks. If MGS4 has a prevailing theme, it's that Snake really keeps his glutes in great shape. Especially for an old guy. That hinder is front-and-center for an alarming portion of the game.
But yeah, Metal Gear Solid 4 is now officially out the world over, so I can finally talk to people about it. You know how annoying it is to have to clam up about this crap for a month? Honestly. The one good thing about the delay is that my 1UP review of the game has had a great deal of time to simmer and mature. I wrote it about five weeks ago and have revisited it from time to time since then, tweaking bits of text and tightening it up in places. I'm sure it's completely awful. After all, I've utterly failed to dissect it category-by-category, Consumer Reports style. Oh well! I'm sure we'll all manage, somehow.
I'm also looking forward to people second-guessing the score. "It's a 9.0!" "No, it's 8.5!" Actually, neither is correct: It's an A-minus. The numbers-to-letters conversion scale only exists to help nudge old reviews into the current format; I don't think in numeric terms anymore. I think instead: This is a great game, so it's an A. But it has some issues, so it's an A-minus. Ta-da! Very simple. MGS4 at its best far outstrips anything else in the series; however, the overall package is far less consistent (and consistently brilliant) than Metal Gear Solid 3. Especially the boss battles. Don't let that deter you, though! It's 50% phenomenal game and 50% above-average Japanese-issue Hollywood-style explosion flick wherein in love may, potentially, bloom on a battlefield.
I do have more to say on the game, but I feel like I should wait until everyone's played it, since expressing anything beyond this review is contingent on specific, spoiler-y type information.
In sadder news, the girlfriend still hasn't found work...but the bills from her final month of school have come due. I'm now spending the entirety of my monthly paycheck on rent and bills. Life's awesome. I'd like to be able to eat next month, so it's eBay time. Currently I have a bunch of DVDs up for sale, but soon I shall peddle away my entire existence!
Also, uhhhhh... probably a bad idea, but it's always best to learn from tragic mistakes.
I've posted a 1UP blog entry that clarifies the Metal Gear Solid 4 review embargo situation that has caused so much half-informed discussion on the ol' Internet. It's funny... if I had posted it a few weeks ago, or if whoever leaked info to Stephen Totilo had kept quiet and never caused this to flare into a raging forum debate topic, I probably would have posted a far more fiery commentary. As it is, though, the situation has been blown massively out of proportion. The assumptive leaps and fanboy rage have far outstripped what the situation actually merits. Worst of all, it threatens to overshadow our actual MGS4 reviews! That would be a shame, because I think my EGM and 1UP reviews for the game are among the best I've written. Yes, it's all about me, me, me. (Fine, fine... Matt and Andrew wrote really excellent alternate opinions, too.)
Honestly, though, while NDAs like this are discouraging and occasionally demoralizing, I'm no longer upset about this little kerfuffle, because it's inspired me to get the hell out of the PR-flack-driven game review business. I'm not sure exactly what that means in practical terms yet, but the upshot is that I'm determined not to have to sign any more legally-binding gag orders in order to write about something so trivial as video games. This is escapist entertainment we're talking about, not the future of mankind or something. Seriously.
The post I made a couple of nights ago about my seemingly evaporated sense of creativity and artistry got me right depressed, it did. It also got me digging through my notes and files and piles and notebooks in search of, I dunno, validation, or something. I came across really enjoyable old things like this:
I guess the only good turn of events to come out of unemployment was that I had time to create illustrated posts every day. On the whole, though, I think I prefer a steady paycheck. But I do miss having time for things like this.
I also dug up a bunch of notes and sketches from about a year ago, when I was very close to finally launching the ToastyFrog comic/graphic novel I've made several false starts on a few times over the years. I'd actually scripted out a few months of comics and even sketched several weeks' worth before remembering that all my efforts to date have been terrible flops and that no amount of planning is a guarantee of not flopping again terribly. So I abandoned it, which started a snowball effect of defeat which resulted in me completely abandoning art a few months ago. I don't remember the last time I drew something! I guess it was maybe a GameSpite issue header or something.
It's a shame I'll never bring those sketches and scripts to fruition, because looking back over them I realized they're pretty funny. I actually laughed out loud a couple of times, which is something I never do...especially with my own writing. Ah well. What might have been, eh?
I was sort of hoping that the big Microsoft RPG conference that happened last night in Japan would include a tearful confession from Square Enix that the only way they can make Final Fantasy XIII even close to being profitable is to exploit "Crystal Tools" and publish the game simultaneously on PS3 and XBox 360. No such luck! So we're robbed of the spectacle of the Internet's low rumble of needless, bipartisan system advocacy flaring violently into a full-on conflagration, and other such mixed metaphors.
However, the resulting news still included a nugget that's almost as good: Star Ocean 4, subtitled The Last Hope, will debut on Xbox 360 -- perhaps exclusively? I wonder if this means the Xbox-averse Japanese gamers who love all things Star Ocean will find themselves compelled to chomp hard on that bullet and buy a system, or if they'll write off the series as dead for betraying them. Probably the latter. Nerds do tend to take corporate business decisions rather personally.
"Last Hope" was, of course, the subtitle of Torneko's second Mystery Dungeon adventure. I'm hoping this means SO4 will be eschewing the tired, played-out, bog-standard Tri-Ace battle system in favor of a roguelike style. That would be brilliant... by which I mean it would further infuriate an already enraged fanbase. You go, Enix.
New Game + | Weekly Games Column
What? Metal Gear Solid 4 is the selection of the week? Why, how gauche and predictable. This site has totally sold out. Better abandon ship now before we start gushing about how NASCAR games are an underappreciated art form. Actually, that would be an unusual enough marriage of low- and high-brow tastes to be interesting. So hey! Stick around.
Add to Queue | Weekly DVD Column
You know what would have been awesome? If this week's Add to Queue column also listed MGS4 as its pick of the week. Get it, 'cause it's so non-interactive it's like watching a movie. Haw haw! (FYI, this is a new definition of "awesome" which means "obnoxious, boorish and juvenile.")
Alas, this final update for Issue Seven has no thematic thread connecting its entries, beyond the obvious "they are all articles about video games." But let's not be banal, shall we? Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved
Lumber Baron pens another essay on the intricacies of a seemingly shallow selection. It is a journey of discovery, bathed in the cool light of a living sheet of graph paper and many, many neon explosions.
Metal Gear
Please ignore the link text and article title. This is not really an article about Metal Gear. I'm not really sure what it is, to be honest. It started off with a small tangent, but then that tangent became the core of the article, and then the article never really went anywhere with the tangent. It is, in short, an aimless collection of words.
Shenmue
If you're looking for sailors, may I recommend visiting San Francisco during Fleet Week? Lots of action to be found there, I hear. Failing that, you could simply wander around virtual Yokosuka, quizzing everyone you meet. Kolbe tells us why Shenmue was better on paper than in silicon.
I was digging through some files and stumbled across my archive of the splash pages that used to provide a point of entry to the website, back in the day when splash pages were common. In retrospect, they were a pretty stupid idea -- access speeds were pokey enough eight or nine years ago, and to hide a site behind a graphical page that took a minute to download was downright asinine. But they're a nice reminder of a more naive time on the Internet, when everyone was still developing a feel for how this "online" nonsense would work out.
My splash pages, on the other hand, are kind of depressing. I found a trove of 40. Four zero! Forty! A few of them are terrible, but for the most part they're really good -- funny, nerdy, well-drawn, very crisp-looking. I love the one above -- it totally nails the linework, color and logo style of The Misadventures of Tron Bonne. And it had a reflection nearly a decade before Apple and Web 2.0 made it a cliché! Boo yeah. Stuff like this makes me wonder what's happened to me. I used to be creative, hard-working, artistic; now, I'm... not. Did I say "kind of" depressing? Sorry, I meant "where did I put that razor blade?"
On the other hand, the former me still had his, uh, off moments:
I went to this Nippon Ichi thing last night and ended up writing brief pieces on Rhapsody DS and Disgaea DS afterwards. What I didn't mention in those write-ups, because it seemed a bit too judgemental for mere first-look previews, is how disappointing I found both titles. I had been holding off on buying the PSP version of Disgaea to see how the DS one turned out, and now that I know the answer I think I will go Sony on this platform split. The DS one isn't bad, but it just doesn't feel quite as crisp as last year's portable rendition, and I don't care that much about the game that being able to recruit some minor NPC is a deciding factor for me.
As for Rhapsody, well... I tried to like it back when it was released for PlayStation, because aggressively whimsical and bizarre games from Japan were still something of a rarity a decade ago. But ultimately it was entirely too saccharine, and the strategy-lite gameplay did nothing for me. Ten years has not improved my feelings on the matter, it turns out. Still, I can respect a game that promotes the tactical use of baked goods, and I hope both games do OK. I like NIS on principle (even if they aren't localizing Hoshi No Tori) and would like for the company not to die a horrible death.
Meanwhile, it's back to Liberty City and its "Oscar-worthy story" (snerk) for me. I feel like I'm betraying my principles here, somehow.
Fortunately, I think this is the last thing I ever have to write about Metal Gear. (My MGS4 review was written nearly a month ago and is sitting on ice, waiting to be unleashed when silly things like "embargoes" and "NDAs" no longer apply.) A glance at the hub should give a good indication of why I am pretty tired of the series at the moment -- I've written a stupid amount about Solid Snake and his talkative pals in the past month or so. In writing about Metal Gear's long-windedness, I have become as long-winded as Metal Gear. The void gazes back, I fear.
This week, unfortunately, marks a pretty flabby finale for my efforts: Our WTFiction!? V.2 didn't turn out nearly as well as I'd hoped since it was produced against the hard deadline of our artist leaving to go work at Telltale. And I aimed to take a somewhat different approach to the series' history with today's overly lengthy retrospective, but it never really gelled. So now it's simply too long, highly disjointed, and not nearly interesting enough.
On the plus side, the latest episode of Retronauts (on, yes, Metal Gear) is actually quite fun, if you ignore all the parts where I talk. Especially ignore my Solid Snake impersonation, which used to be spot-on, and now is... not.
As part of my ongoing effort to get fired for being a completely useless vestigial appendage at 1UP, I've reviewed Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Time & Darkness, sort of. Mostly this write-up is a discussion of how the fundamental concepts of "Pokémon" and "Mystery Dungeon" make for an uneasy combination that Chun Soft never quite reconciles. I almost briefly touch on the game mechanics, but not really. Join us next week when I critique Metal Gear Solid 4 in the context of its groundbreaking work in empowering the elderly and never actually mention how it plays.
Not that Pokémon fans care what I have to say anyway. They're all waving their hands (claws) in the air, blowing carefree bubbles. Or something. Still, my advice would be not to pick up this game unless you absolutely have to own everything related to this curiously enduring children's franchise. (Or, less likely, if you are obsessed with roguelikes.) If you would like a good introduction to the roguelike niche, I'd say hold out for Izuna 2 or Chocobo's Dungeon, both arriving next month. When did roguelikes get so popular, anyway? Or are they really not popular and publishers are simply deluding themselves in hoping they will be? It is a mystery. (Dungeon.)
In other news of dungeon crawling, we've also posted an interview with the director of Etrian Odyssey II. My name is on this, but Andrew Fitch also threw in several questions on the second page. In any case, it is about as good as you can expect for an interview conducted by email with someone who speaks a different language and lives in a different culture. Apparently the game arrives next week (!), having been pushed forward a bit in the confidence that it will seriously crush MGS4. Man, is Konami in for a nasty surprise.
Edit: OK, someone lied to me. Etrian II ships a week later. Lucky break for Konami if there was one. Guess they'll be able to make that first-day million sales target after all.
Having played a few more hours of Grand Theft Auto IV, I'm starting to warm up to it a little more. Why the change of heart? Well, let's just say Rockstar can be rather... persuasive:
Nah, actually it's because I've moved into the meat of the game and the cutscenes have become less pointless. Also, it seems that once you max out your relationship with NPCs they stop harassing you on the phone quite so often. And, finally, I've begun stealing a better class of vehicle, which makes driving considerably more entertaining. The low-end cars are less fun than ever to drive, but I find myself doing preposterously awesome things in some of the sports coupes. So that's nice.
Weirdly, though, I've found my favorite thing to do in the game is take cab rides. There's something incredibly relaxing about sitting in the back seat of a cab as you ride through traffic, obeying all traffic laws and listening to the cabbie complain. Watching as the city moves by from a street-level view, the scenery framed by a cab door, is probably the single closest thing I've ever experienced to real-life verisimilitude in a game. This version of Liberty City is much brighter and less oppressive than its previous incarnations -- it's more like a place where people live than a bleak mechanical shell. Squint as you're cabbing it home and at the right time of day it almost looks real. (As long as you ignore the people.)
I'm sure once I've played more the gimmicks and repetition will become more obvious, but I'm enjoying the random little details: The ability to give money to bums, the way people carry around coffee cups in the morning, photographers snapping pictures of interesting scenery, etc.
Of course, the actual missions waver between lame and annoying, but ain't that the way it always is? Anyway, it's starting to feel a bit more like what I expect to see from a GTA. Now if only the camera weren't so swimmy, I could play for more than 90 minutes without getting a headache....
The 1UP Retro Roundup has returned -- now 100% more outsourced! But as it happens, I have passed the baton to none other than Mr. Reibeatall, the sinister tender of the New Game + column. Yes, now the true purpose of GameSpite has been revealed: It is a candidate farm wherein I may choose among potential Sith apprentices. Add to Queue | Weekly DVD Releases
Someone told me last week that the band Joy Division was named for some element of the Nazi military or something. I admit I wasn't paying careful attention, because 10 years of cookie-cutter WWII shooters have transformed the word "Nazi" into a soporific cliché and I think I fell asleep partway through the conversation. Anyway, the band is the topic of this week's movie. So there you go.
New Game + | Weekly Game Releases
So, the official game of the week selection is Ninja Gaiden II, but no way am I cluttering up my nice clean front page with Team Ninja's awful, soulless, prerendered excuse for art. Have some Shiren instead. The real gem this week is actually Toki Tori for WiiWare. None of you played the game on Game Boy Color, so now is your chance to make up for your personal failure.
For grins, i thought I'd dig up and reprint my old Toki Tori review. I gave the game five frog heads out of five frog heads possible, back when I was naïve enough to think video games could be quantified in terms of decapitated amphibians. This was published in the "Mushroom Hunting" feature days, before Cheap Ass Gamer, when I was making a concerted effort to find great games for low prices and share my findings with the dozen or so people who cared.
Toki Tori
GameBoy Color | Two Tribes/Capcom | $22.45 | CompUSA
It's pretty surprising to see a big publisher pick up a title by a rookie developer, especially one from some faraway place in Europe where they have a tendency to put diagonal lines through the letter O. While Capcom isn't exactly the biggest name in handheld gaming -- they're letting the developers of a Mary Kate & Ashley game make a Resident Evil RPG, for crying out loud -- they definitely stumbled onto something groovy when they picked up Toki Tori by fresh-faced kids Two Tribes.
Toki Tori (named for the pudgy little chicken who stars in the game and not, alas, because it's a sequel to monkeyman platformer Toki) steps into the Wayback Machine to the more traditional era of puzzle gaming. Back in the old forgotten days, when puzzle solving didn't involve colored blocks or crates but rather intricate and mentally-challenging rooms full of objects arranged just so, a la Lolo or Lemmings. In realistic terms, there's not much sense behind a world in which obstacles are perfectly suited to the hero's skills, but there's also not much sense behind a fat baby chicken traveling through slime-infested caves rescuing eggs, either. It's a video game; appearances are just a conceit to justify the mechanics, dig? Those mechanics include the use of bridge-building blocks, slime-sucking vacuums and monster-freezing bazookas. Toki Tori is one arse-kicking bird. Which is pretty surprising, considering his own arse looks like an oversized bag of lemon pudding. Apparently a prerequisite of this kind of game is that the main character has to possess the physique of a couch potato... not to mention jumping skills to make Simon Belmont look like Jumping Flash's Robbit.
And while visuals are a secondary consideration for a game like this (if you can see what the elements in a puzzle game are, you're good to go), Toki Tori really stands out. If the graphics stretched the full width of a GameBoy Advance screen, there'd be no way to tell the game's not merely a simple GBA title. Everything's tile-based, but detailed and subtly shaded, and sprites are smoothly animated. Walk behind a waterfall and you'll see the creators showing off; programmers had a hard enough time getting transparencies to work on the Saturn, and here they are in clear view in a Game Boy game. For those who find the mind-bogglingly tough gameplay to be sissy stuff, completing each of the five game worlds opens a set of hard stages for that world. And this is one of those times where "hard" isn't just cocky boastfulness -- even the first Hard stage in the game had me stumped. Of course, that could just mean I'm a dimwit, but humor me and pretend it means that the developers outdid themselves. Thanks.
There's nothing really new or even exciting here, just solid, challenging gameplay with beautiful visuals, nice music and, uh, a very rotund hero. Normally I try to inject a little venom into my reviews, but to see such a solid and under-promoted game come from a completely new face in the industry kindles the little spark of charity in my shriveled heart into a brief flame. Toki Tori is simply the best and most addictive "true" puzzle game I've played in years; it's frustrating and difficult but perfectly fair and has that certain je ne sais quoi (note: this is French for something or another) that insinuates itself into your brain and forces you to tackle puzzles even when you're not playing. And the hero looks like a marshmallow Peep given flesh. Gold stars and A+ all around.
Add to Queue | Weekly DVD Releases
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Star Ocean: The Second Story
The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening
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That's awesome. But it does make me wonder, what would kitten breads taste like? My girlfriend is Vietnamese, so all we ever eat around here is dog.
Rocket Knight Adventures
The World Ends With You
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New Game + | Weekly Games Column
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Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved
Metal Gear
Shenmue
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