turkish101 (GameSpite Issue 1…): I -totally- knew what 'wh… Suto (Almost a success …): Congratulations on your a… StriderDL (Almost a success …): What Kupek said. You don… Rob (Almost a success …): I think Parish should con… Kupek (Almost a success …): Adding muscle mass can he… Byron (Persona-ly speaki…): I know Talking Time was a… mrbuu82 (Almost a success …): I was pretty sure he had … Josh_AnimeBum (Almost a success …): Didn't Nintendo claim it … mrbuu82 (Almost a success …): Any chance of the softcov… spineshark (Persona-ly speaki…): I played Persona 3 in rou…
This is the archive, folks. The current stuff is on the main page.
Instant review karma
31 July 07 | 15:00 | Posted by:
You know that scene in Life, the Universe and Everything where Ford Prefect kills a deer by remaining perfectly still and emitting peaceful pheremones that lure it close enough to let him snap its neck? I learned this weekend that I have that power, too. But only while playing Etrian Odyssey.
My girlfriend and I went up to China Camp State Park so she could take some photos for an assignment, and once my digital camera's batteries ran out -- that berry above is one of the few interesting shots I managed -- I retired to the sidelines to start up a new game of Etrian. As twilight decended on the park and the other visitors left, I was making good headway when suddenly I saw an enormous dog out of the corner of my eye. I whipped my head around to get a better glimpse, only to find the "dog" was actually two deer that had come down from the treeline to get a drink from the public dog dish next to the bench where I was sitting. The closest one was about three feet from me and was quite a bit more startled by my presence than I was by its. Well, not too startled... it backed off, but only by a few feet, and only ran away about ten minutes later when some other people walked by.
Considering how completely brutal Etrian can be, I'm surprised that I can be so calm while playing that I actually become one with nature. Clearly I have squandered this gift of unflappable coolheadedness under duress. I shoulda been a sniper.
I've managed to make a bit of progress on my "make the wiki portion of this site stop sucking" endeavor -- you can see the shiny new consistency in articles such as this. And this! And this! Look at those charmingly consistent headers, the mercifully cleaner formatting... even a helpful breadcrumb. Aw. So nice. Too bad my computer died shortly into the process.
The induction of a few writers to flesh out the site has made me acutely aware of how horrible and disorganized I've let the underpinnings of my wiki section become. Seriously, it's gross. Which is why I've only inducted a handful of writers to begin with -- there are many, many bugs to be ironed out of this system. They are brave pioneers, and there's a solid chance they'll die of dysentery before we even reach the Mississippi.
But I've made a start on wrestling this disaster of a site back into shape; the main games index has been both reorganized and massively overhauled. It can now be found here, and over the next few days all those sub-indices should be looking much prettier. They should also be sportin' bold new articles written by people who aren't me. Yes, it's vaguely terrifying for us all, but hopefully it is the first step toward my grand scheme of making this site a massively comprehensive information dump on video games, or at least the better neighborhoods of the medium. Think Wikipedia, but neither boring, amateurish or laden with meaningless trivia. So really not much like Wikipedia at all.
Don't mind the front page weirdness; I'm messing around with different front page formats. Right now I'm hiding most entry text behind jump links so that more blog entries can be active without forcing people to load images for every entry. (It also means I can write angry screeds about sleazy Kenichi Sonoda covers without having crotch shots festooned about my main page.) Yes, this means you may need to click a link to read full entries. No, this isn't a money-making scheme, as I don't serve ads or anything. I have no doubt that you will let me know if you totally hate it.
And as for the interior of the site... well, the wiki-based pages haven't been updated in a while. I think I would like to remedy that. To make use of all this user-edited technology functional. I don't have time, though, so I would like to recruit you to do it. If you're interested in mouthing off on someone else's site, please check out this forum thread.
Could it be that Metal Gear Solid 4 will be an actual video game? As opposed to a string of interesting but straightforward situations connecting overwrought plot events?
Why... yes. Uh, well, maybe. Kojima's hoodwinked us before, but I'm seeing things in this video that Metal Gear has desperately needed for a very long time, and some things that look downright amazing.
So, it's a pretty good read so far. But, uh, anyone care to send me the text to pages 563-592? Someone at the press decided it would be fun to put the wrong folio there.
Gunsmith Cats Burst Vol. 2 arrived yesterday, wrapped in what might be the most embarrassing cover I have ever owned. Guess I won't be reading this one on the bus.
So guess what I found in my oatmeal this morning! Go on, guess.
No, not Jimmy Hoffa.
Nope, it was worse: A pair of what appeared to be reconstituted rat turds. So I guess I will probably never eat instant oatmeal again since the mere thought makes me want to puke. Thank you, Quaker, for this delightful breakfast surprise.
The view outside my apartment this morning. No wonder California is such a popular summer getaway! Look at that balmy tropical humidity, so thick it's obscuring the church a few blocks away. (Balmy does mean "frigid," right?)
I've experienced my very first leak. Internet leak, I mean. The cover story I wrote for the next EGM? It's out in the wild, and the issue hasn't even left the printer, yet. The delicious part is that thanks to embargoes and other such nonsense, 1UP can't actually write about what's been leaked -- and reported at many other sites, pretty much verbatim -- until next month.
I think the most annoying thing to come out of the past week has been the endless onslaught of people asking me the most pointless question ever: "What was your game of show?"
In years past, this was a perfectly reasonable question! Everything at E3 was clustered together in two (and a half) massive convention halls, and it was a simple matter to pause and take a look at something that caught your eye as you trekked to your next appointment. Not so this year.
E3 is considerably less miserable now that things are actually happening! Hanging out in a hotel in Santa Monica for a few days is lame, but doing, you know, work? That is fine. Honestly, I feel like my trip here was more or less justified by my 20-minute hands-on with Super Mario Galaxy. That game is crazy good. So far the only person who doesn't seem completely enamored with it is Shane Bettenhausen, but that's because his professional goal is to satirize Sony fanboyism... and sometimes I worry he's been in deep cover so long he's gone to the other side.
Anyway! Here are links, because of course the only thing that matters at E3 is the set articles that I write.
GameSpite E3 exclusive: Chris Kohler to commit suicide
11 July 07 | 08:49 | Posted by:
"With a busted-ass old company computer," wept the broken husk of a man, utterly failing to thank me for saving him a front-row seat for the Nintendo press conference. "Good riddance," agree nine out of ten doctors.
Well, since that last posting I've learned much more about alternative lifestyles vis-a-vis video games than I ever imagined possible.
As I mentioned on my dusty, disused 1UP blog, I've been replaying the original Halo. Previously I'd played through the Mac version and it was okay, but playing it in its intended format -- on a TV, with an Xbox controller, with a good sound system -- has greatly enhanced the experience. Well, I fib, slightly. I'm actually playing on an HDTV, with an Xbox 360 controller, with good headphones. But the point stands. I think the headphones make the biggest difference; I never appreciated just how exceptional the game's sound design is. But yes, it's really good. Stupidly good. The music cues set the tone, but that's obvious; the subtle elements actually impact the game more -- the responses of Covenant to your actions, the effects of weapons and particles, and especially the wet, whispery sounds of the Flood. The fact that I can even describe sound effects as "wet and whispery" means they did something right.
Yes, I know it's unfashionable for the sort of people who read this site to admit to liking Halo, but it's actually very good! And I say this as someone who wants multiplayer gameplay to die in a fiery bus accident.
But wait, this post's opening sentence doesn't fit. Fear not; I shall deftly weave Halo and sexuality into a frothy mesh of interconnectedness:
Last week's release of Super Mario Bros. 2 on Virtual Console -- the real Mario 2, not that crummy fake Japanese one, as discussed at length on the new Retronauts -- sparked a small flurry of postings at various gaming blogs about how Birdo is the medium's first true transgendered character and a hero to GLBT gamers everywhere. She was described in the Japanese manual as a rather confused male, but recent game literature pegs her as, well, her.
They all seemed so earnest I didn't have the heart to tell them that Birdo's always been a female named Catherine in Japan. The cross-dressing thing (and the name Birdo) is a bizarre concoction of Nintendo's U.S. division. Bizarre in the sense that NES-era Nintendo was terrified of allowing anything remotely questionable in its games, and it's hard to imagine who might have decided that gender-bending would play in Peoria while crosses on gravestones wouldn't.
Sorry, guys, or girls, or some combination thereof! Will you settle for Flea instead?
I always go out of my way to have not-American food on July 4 each year. I used to do it to be ironic, but eventually it occured to me that it was pretty much the ideal melting pot celebration. Besides, what food can America claim as its own? Nothing worth celebrating, that's for damn sure. So I went with bánh bò, sushi and a green tea smoothie yesterday. Not all at once, though because seriously, major vomit noises.
"Green tea smoothie" is a pretty weird idea for a drink, now that I stop to think about it. It's like... a blended ice drink, but barely sweetened, and with a strong roasted aftertaste. I think it's the combination of "icy smooth texture" and "earthy burnt flavor" that makes it so strange -- like having gazpacho for the first time and not realizing it's served cold, it takes a minute for your brain to reconcile the fact that your tongue is experiencing a hitherto unimagined gastronomic sensation.
Retronauts update: Episode 27 will go up sometime tomorrow. There is, in fact, a very good reason for this. But I'll let you hear the episode for yourself to learn why. And yes, you'll find out what happened to Ray.
E3 terror: Apparently I will be interviewing Shigeru Miyamoto in some capacity, so I'm open to suggestions for questions. Advance warning: I will absolutely ban anyone who tells me to ask when he's translating Mother 3.
What's more annoying than iPhone hype? Not much, but I've finally found something. Or rather, it's found me: People who fancy themselves electronics experts patting themselves on the back for regurgitating iPhone anti-hype they've read on the Internet. Yes, congratulations, you've figured out the surprising fact that the iPhone is incapable of curing cancer. Well done. But I've already had to wade through a million billion blog posts talking about its horrible horrible failings that make it the worst thing ever to befall the human race. I don't need to listen to you yammering about the same thing less eloquently, thanks. Please shut up forever.
Speaking of the iPhone, it's finally shattered the "Apple equals Nintendo" paradigm; apparently the phone was launched in copious supply on day one, outselling projections by 250% with plenty still available. It also costs way too much and is fairly close to the bleeding edge of American phone technology. So yeah, pretty much the opposite of Nintendo these days. Ah well, it was a beautiful comparison while it lasted.
Meanwhile at 1UP, I've compared Pokémon Battle Revolution to cocaine cut with Dran-O. Oh, yeah, and I wrote that huge-ass preview about Contra 4... the one I teased all last week but never actually linked from here. Eh heh.
It looks like my original impressions of Ratatouille were right on the money. American animators need to stop, take careful notes on how Pixar makes films and reconsider their own approach to the medium forthwith. Sure, Pixar really isn't doing anything radically different than, say, Dreamworks, but those small differences are what puts Disney's last great hope on the proper side of the divide between inspired and hackneyed.
Ratatouille
Pixar | 2007 | Directed by Brad Bird
The Iron Giant was Brad Bird's loving homage to classic sci-fi and '50s Cold War paranoia; The Incredibles was an affectionate tribute to Silver Age comic books by way of Watchmen. Ratatouille is something completely different, and maybe a little bit disappointing in its predictability: Bird crafting a by-the-numbers contemporary animated feature. It's the story of your average talking critter who just isn't like the rest of his kind, who finds himself suddenly thrust into a new situation, who eventually comes into his own and everyone learns to accept him for who he is. Like A Bug's Life. Or Antz. Or Madagascar. Or Happy Feet. Or... ho hum, everything, really. Seems like a trite premise for a Bird film, so good thing it's absolutely the most beautiful CG animated movie ever, right?
Or at least, that's what I'd say if I were a complete moron. I mean, yes, Ratatouille is the most beautiful CG animated movie ever, and yeah, the premise is a bit trite -- but it's the results that matter rather than the concept, and the results are incredible. Of course, this is the Internet, so I'm sure we'll see raging screeds from horrible people who set out to hate the movie sight unseen (and presumably a lengthy diabtribe by John Kricfalusi about how horrible its animation was -- not enough pea green!!). But normal people, the ones who aren't socially retarded and can appreciate beauty when they see it, will rightly love Ratatouille.
It's a great movie because of all the things it doesn't do. It's full of fuzzy little mammals, and they're animated gorgeously and have distinct designs... but they're not especially cute or marketable. The main character, Remy, is scrawny; his brother is obese; his father is lumpy and gnarled. When the rat colony moves together, it's revoltingly realistic, sickening in the way that only a swarm of rodents or insects can be. I'm sure there are Ratatouille plushes on sale at the Disney store, but I rather suspect the manufacturers were forced to take some liberties with the designs. This movie, unlike, say, Cars, was not created to sell toys. (I would, however, be more than happy to buy a copy of Anyone Can Cook, the book that provides so much of the film's impetus.)
It's a movie about rats, living in sewers, foraging for garbage, but there's not a single fart joke to be found. No scatological humor anywhere, in fact. And even though the setting -- modern-day Paris -- and the topic -- fine cuisine -- are ripe for pop culture parodies, the film never rises to the bait. No Iron Chef, no Julia Child, no Emeril references, nothing. Even the one dig at the French is given equal time by a dig at Americans. The humor is classy, and it's internally consistent; where most animation has degenerated into the likes of Family Guy and Shrek, which can't actually be enjoyed unless you're familiar with 40 years worth of TV, movies and music, Ratatouille lets its jokes be about the characters, about the situations. It's never laugh-out-loud hilarious, employing instead a quieter sort of humor. And while a few celebrities lend their voices to the production, none are cast as animated versions as themselves. There are no fish with Will Smith's face, no bees that look alarmingly like Jerry Seinfeld. This is a movie that dares to pay Jeneane Garofolo and Sir Ian Holm for their talents, then makes their voices unrecognizable with thick French accents -- because it's their talent that counts, not their celebrity cachet.
It's almost... it's almost as though Brad Bird actually respects his audience. Like he remembers that animation doesn't have to be an uneasy mix of dumbed-down base-level comedy (to keep kids alert) and "witty" quips (to keep their parents from slipping into a coma) and celebrity pandering (to justify those celebrity paychecks). Like he remembers that every part of a good story can be appreciated by anyone, because good storytelling is universal.
In that post from a year ago linked above, I compared the comedy and motion in the Ratatouille trailer to the bygone days of animation, and that's what makes the final movie so good. It upholds those ideas, the standards of an era before Robin Williams' big blue Genie sent animation down the path of shallow parody, before the convenience of CG art made animation studios forget that craft and care are more important than technical prowess and toy-ready character designs. Take away the beautiful, luminous 3D visuals and you have a movie that could have been made in Disney's 1940s heyday, a film that could be one of Hayao Miyazaki's less crotchety creations.
I can't help but think that food critic Anton Ego's story arc is supposed to be representative of the movie at large, that his reaction to Remy's cooking was intended by Bird as a statement of intent for what he wants this movie to provoke in its viewers. Which is actually pretty cocky of him, when it comes down to it -- but acceptable, because he pulled it off. This is a beautiful movie, and in more ways than just its romantic visual depiction of Paris. They don't make 'em like this anymore, but Ratatouille proves that they could. If only they had the integrity.
So run, little guy, run. Your kind is all but extinct these days. We need you to live, to be an inspiration to the rest of the world.
Last week's release of Super Mario Bros. 2 on Virtual Console -- the real Mario 2, not that crummy fake Japanese one, as discussed at length on the new 
What's more annoying than iPhone hype? Not much, but I've finally found something. Or rather, it's found me: People who fancy themselves electronics experts patting themselves on the back for regurgitating iPhone anti-hype they've read on the Internet. Yes, congratulations, you've figured out the surprising fact that the iPhone is incapable of curing cancer. Well done. But I've already had to wade through a million billion blog posts talking about its horrible horrible failings that make it the worst thing ever to befall the human race. I don't need to listen to you yammering about the same thing less eloquently, thanks. Please shut up forever.
