Police action

30 August 06 | 15:34 | Posted by:

So this week I've played good cop with a glowing new Final Fantasy III preview, and bad cop with the inevitable, unavoidable Ultimate Ghosts 'N' Goblins review. After all the utter and complete collective retardation that has sprung up around my having the audacity to dislike the game, writing that review was pretty much at the very bottom of the list of things I ever wanted to do. But life is unpleasant sometimes, so I buckled down. And somehow, despite my revulsion at the mere thought of the topic, the review shaped up to be one of the best things I've ever written, at least in terms of pure wordsmithery.

This, of course, only serves to make it all the more annoying that so many people get hung up on the numbers. Stupid, filthy Internet creatures!

Final Fantasy III, as it turns out, is far better than my pre-Japanese-release play time led me to expect. Trade shows are really not the ideal environment for grinding through the plodding introduction of an RPG, especially a DS game that actually features load times. But once I got the game into a comfortable setting, sat back with the game in my Lite and gave it a fresh spin, it's honestly quite good.

Sadly, I've totally screwed myself in the game over thanks to my sketchy knowledge of Japanese -- I accidentally used my sole shrink/unshrink item to reduce my main fighter to tiny size and can't seem to find a way to return him to his proper scale. So right now he's hitting for 1 HP while my Black Mage is the party's heavy-hitter. It's a bad scene all around. Guess my Japanese-reading skills are getting rusty, so I should either bone up on the language or just wait for the English version. Hm, let's see... the former would require effort while the latter requires none. Tricky. I'll have to think about this one.

Also, I didn't write this feature on influential video gamers, but it's so completely great that I'm more than happy to forego this site's normal mission of self-aggrandization/deprecation and tell everyone to read it nevertheless.

category: games | forums | 46 comments | §

Sanguine rondure

28 August 06 | 11:22 | Posted by:

Yeah, it's true -- I went completely insane and bought a copy of Dracula X: Rondo of Blood while I was at PAX. And a PC Engine Duo on which to play it. It was absolutely a mistake, since it was a purchase made on a total whim, I paid far too much for both, and I suffered a terrible lapse of memory regarding the system's regional compatibility before sealing the transaction -- the American Turbo Duo can play games from all regions, but the Japan PCE Duo can only play Japanese games. Not the other way around as my Internet-deprived brain insisted. I guess I'm out of luck with all those awesome US-only TG16 games, like... uh... hm. Never mind.

I was seduced, you see, by the camera's soulless eye. They've talked me out of my reluctance to be on the 1UP Show and now, apparently, I do moronic things to play to the camera. Like spend too much money on things I don't really need in order to add some variety to the PAX segment. Great.


No regrets, though. Dracula X! Woo. I'm playing one stage per day to prolong the experience for as long as possible. You don't get to play a rare, expensive, highly-regarded chapter of one of your favorite franchises very often, so it's an experience best savored.

It's a really classy system, too. Its design is sleek and holds up really well to current standards, unlike just about other system of the era -- Genesis was a tacky blob, NES was boring, Famicom was toylike, and the Super NES was completely horrible; plus the machine has a good solid feel to it. I think I ended up with a screwy controller, though, since it takes a few minutes after booting for it to properly register button presses. Fortunately, it's not quite as broken as I initially had thought... I didn't realize the controller buttons had independent turbo settings and was mystified at Richter Belmont's initial refusal to perform any sort of jump besides a backflip.

Yeah, that's right, I'm a TG16 novice. It's not my fault that I could only afford one 16-bit system (well, close enough) as a lad and that my finances tightened up right as I started shopping around for one a few years back. I'm shoring up my weaknesses now, though. If inexperience with a moderately obscure console could be considered a weakness. I'm not really sure how it could be exploited for massive damage, but better safe than sorry.

And, uh, I'll be running some more eBay auctions soon, I guess. You know, to pay for the thing.


But hey! Dracula X. Yeah. It starts off with a fight against Death on a horse-drawn carriage. That's pretty boss.

And fighting through a burning town from Simon's Quest, that's pretty boss, too. You'd think the architecture might have changed maybe a little over the course of a century or two, though.


It's a little odd to see familiar bits of the Super NES game in their original contexts. It's also a bit alarming how many enemies I thought were unique to Symphony of the Night keep popping up. If this keeps going, Symphony might feel a little less special, and I will be forced to accept that everything I know is wrong. That's a lame reward for dropping a ton of cash on an old game system, believe it.

You should also believe I'll be milking this puppy for everything it's worth. Retronauts ahoy!

Edit: Here's some of the crap I want to sell. Pick it over if you'd like.

category: games | forums | 83 comments | §

Sleepy in Seattle

24 August 06 | 13:32 | Posted by:

My import version of Final Fantasy III DS just arrived. But it doesn't matter! I haven't even had time to touch Scurge: Hive this week with everything else that's been going on! My work gaming backlog will soon rival my personal gaming backlog! (I think it's approx. 150 titles at this point.) And I certainly won't be catching up with anything this weekend since I will be at PAX.

If you're at the event this weekend and see some dude in a 1UP-branded jacket weeping quietly as he wanders through the crowds, that's probably me. It could be my doppelganger, though, so you should keep your distance just in case. He's dangerous.

Anyway, maybe I will see some of you at PAX. Maybe I won't. Life is a crapshoot like that.

category: blog | forums | 35 comments | §

Pretty great

23 August 06 | 16:35 | Posted by:

I just got back from Konami's annual BBQ event and boy are my arms -- no, no, never mind.

I was only really interested in Lunar Knights and Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin, and handily both were playable. They are both pretty great, which became today's recurrent motif.

I cornered Ryan Payton from Kojima Productions to grill him about the recent revelation that came from Konami's official Japanese Lunar Knights site -- i.e., not only is the game called Boktai DS in Japan, main characters Aaron and Lucien are in fact just redesigned versions of Django and Sabata. These "Aaron" and "Lucien" names are but mere flights of localization fancy, and even Ryan admits he keeps calling the characters by their original names. It's a very odd turn of events -- it's one thing for a US publisher to make name changes to a game when it first comes over, but I can't recall a faithfully-localized series being completely reinvented midway through. I'm sure this will cause no end of heartburn among a certain contingent of people, although it doesn't actually change the game itself... which is still Boktai, except without the troublesome solar sensor elements. So that's pretty great. Plus you can rename the characters back to their original monkers if you're that anal about it. In fact, you can rename them anything you like. I recommend "Ruff" and "Tumbull" to capture that "doomed low-budget Cartoon Network show" vibe.


I'll probably have some detailed previews up at 1UP soon. In the meantime, check out my insanely lengthy Rocket Slime U.S. version hands-on write-up. The length mainly comes from the fact that it's about 75% E3 developer interview by mass -- since almost everything published during E3 is immediately lost to time, I held on to the interview until now. It was a pretty great interview, which means it's a pretty informative preview via the transitive property of... uh, something or another. Maybe you should read it, because it's also a pretty great game. See how that works?

Edit: The Portrait of Ruin preview is now available for your perusal. I tried to do something different and be positive for once, and already a thumbs-down response for my troubles. I guess I should stick with dourness.

Just as soon as I'm done with this Lunar Knights preview.

category: games | forums | 23 comments | §

Metroid Dread? Meh, who needs it.

22 August 06 | 13:01 | Posted by:

Holy crap. Scurge: Hive actually exists, and on top of that it actually has a publisher. I know this for a fact because EGM just handed me the reviewable DS ROM of the game. I probably am not allowed to say any more about it (print/online embargoes and all that) but I am seriously looking forward to seeing whether this lives up to my expectations (i.e., the Metroid game Nintendo hasn't bothered to create). The GBA demo cart they gave us last summer was brilliant and I think I will take it personally if the full game fails to deliver.


Oh, also, while I appreciate the constant messages of support I've been receiving over the past couple of weeks due to the very silly flare-up over Ultimate Ghosts 'N' Goblins, they're honestly not necessary. It's hard to take seriously an outpouring of personal attacks and sheer ad hominem viciousness over something as meaningless as a number, and I certainly haven't. On the other hand, as for those inquiries about the shirt I was wearing on last week's 1UP Show -- sure, I'll make you one. I don't want to get into the T-shirt selling business, though, so the process will be slightly inconvenient for you (thus preventing it from becoming a valid business model). Email for deets, as the kids say.

P.S. -- If you're not sure why you should be excited about Scurge: Hive, please refer to this immaculately-crafted preview from E3 2005 to whet your appetite appropriately.

Finally, my video editing debut is now online. The horror.

category: games | forums | 39 comments | §

The HD (in)experience

21 August 06 | 18:37 | Posted by:

So after dropping a gigantic chunk of change on a 360 and a nice TV to make proper use of it, I've not actually had time to enjoy it -- I squeezed in a couple hours of Dead Rising on day one before succumbing like a hapless zombie victim to a crush of work-related responsibilities. No matter, I suppose. Even if I had the time for gaming at the moment (unlikely, with PAX coming up soon), there's the question of whether I'd be able to; my girlfriend has practically claimed the TV as her own. It started innocuously enough, when she co-opted it to watch Project Runway last Wednesday, but it's only gone downhill from there. In fact, at the moment, she -- a woman who never, ever plays videogames, and doesn't even really like them -- has actually done more gaming on my 360 than I have. I'm totally at a loss to explain it.

The most recent twist to this heinous plot: much to my astonishment (nay, bewilderment), she's decided to master Halo. It's been interesting, to say the least. For starters, this marks the first time she's ever played a 3D game. Coincidentally, it's also the first time I've ever experienced motion sickness from a videogame. I'm fine when I'm playing; I'm fine when I watch most other people play. But she made it all the way to the end of Pillar of Autumn before she realized that pressing Up on the left stick moves you in the direction you've turned with the right stick, meaning she completed the entire first level by moving at 45 to 90-degree angles from "forward." It was an amazing feat. Almost as amazing as the fact that I didn't lose my lunch watching it happen.



Her next goal, I think, is to learn to make proper use of analog control, which should facilitate her aiming quite a bit. Currently about 95% of any given assault rifle clip ends up in the floor, ceiling or walls rather than in the nearest Elite.

Needless to say, I'm impressed with her determination -- she's made it to level four despite the fact that Halo is not a forgiving or inviting experience for those who aren't familiar with the conventions of the genre. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a friggin' liar -- or, more likely, has fallen so far into the hobby that they've lost touch with reality. (Those guys seem to be everywhere these days.)

I don't know if she'll make it to the end, though; while she's adapting with impressive speed to the complexities of the gameplay, she didn't want to play Dead Rising because she finds zombies "too intense." And I haven't had the heart to tell her about the Flood.

category: games | forums | 22 comments | §

A study in despair

17 August 06 | 11:35 | Posted by:

I have terrible news, everyone. If any of you buys Dirge of Cerberus this week, or ever, I'm coming to your house. And then, I'm going to hit you so hard that the only thing you can taste for the next year is your own blood.

I don't care how big a Final Fantasy fan you are, or how much you think you like FFVII (poor soul); giving Square Enix your money for something this abysmal is only encouraging them to continue abusing consumers. There's, like, a million other Final Fantasy products due out this fall anyway, all of which are objectively better than DoC -- FFXII, FFIII for DS, FFV Advance. Heck, even Mario Hoops. Better yet, buy Rocket Slime and encourage the propagation of charming Dragon Quest spin-offs in lieu of soulless FFVII spin-offs. It's probably bad news for Square Enix when TOSE is making better use of their properties than their own internal teams, but there you have it.

And don't even think about using "But I want to learn more about the back story of FFVII" as an excuse. One, FFVII's story wasn't worth investigating beyond what was in the game. Two, DoC barely touches on the actual substance of FFVII. Three, the FFVII connection alone means that a gracefully-flowing plot is impossible, even if you were to stick a pacemaker in it.


I guess what I'm saying here is that there are too many good games in the world to squander your time and money on the bad ones. So don't let those pretty CG graphics trick you into a fanboy froth, because you'll only regret it later. You know, when you desperately want to resell the game but can only get ten bucks for it because the secondary market is already glutted with copies dumped by others who made the same mistake as you. It only took a week in Japan!

Anyway, this completely unrelated feature is easily the stupidest thing I've ever created. But that was kind of the point, so I guess it's a success?

category: games | forums | 119 comments | §

The bony shoulders of a young horse named Frank West

16 August 06 | 10:26 | Posted by:

So I've finally joined the HD Era -- my 360's companion, a Samsung LCD HDTV, arrived yesterday. I feel sort of guilty giving into such crass consumerism, but I haven't had a TV of my own in more than a year. And since I've been gloriously debt-free for the same amount of time, I figured the world wouldn't end if I maybe splurged a little. (Please accept my apologies in advance if the world does, in fact, end.)

As with every revolution, the HD revolution is a bloody mess full of innocent casualties. Oh, 2D games... you used to look so nice. Now Alucard is kind of grainy-looking and Samus is overly contrasty. And let's not even discuss the prickly issue of lag. Ah well -- they can take my pride, but they can't take my emulators.

Fortunately, standard-definition DVDs look much, much better than I had expected, and actual HD-DVD content looks really nice. Besides the fact that we've plunged straight into the nadir of the uncanny valley, of course, and it seems unlikely we'll ever escape. It's going to be a long time (if ever) before developers manage to create graphics that actually make use of HD's full potential, and by then all the plucky little companies with budgets smaller than Bolivia's annual GDP will be dead from trying to keep up with the Kojimas and EAs.

Oddly, now that I've experienced HD for myself I'm incredibly happy that Nintendo is bucking the trend, even if it means their games won't make full use of my new rig; maybe Wii developers can afford to invest in creativity rather than hiring a team of pore-and-lip-gloss artists to make their lumpy polygon people even more preposterously "realistic."


Meanwhile, at the very low-definition-est end of the spectrum, my full Deep Labyrinth review is up. And with the proper typo-free score, even. My spider-sense tells me that I'm the only reviewer on the planet who enjoyed it, much like I was the only reviewer who actually liked Nightmare of Druaga. Oh well! Kato and Mitsuda's talents were rather squandered on the game, but it's very much a genre affair and that is to be expected. There's probably about a thousand fans of this particular genre out there, and knowing Atlus they'll produce about 500 copies, so it's sure to be a wash.

category: games | forums | 33 comments | §

Kicking and screaming

14 August 06 | 21:18 | Posted by:

Well, it's all over: I now have an Xbox Live account. I even have one of those online monikers -- I think they call them "gamer tags" or something like that. Mine is "ToastyFrog." I realize that's terribly unpredictable, but life on the edge is really pretty much all I'm about these days. That would make this ToastyFrog Xtreme in the parlance of today's youth demographic (12-18, male, enjoys skateboarding, Cartoon Network and of course... Xbox games).

And this... this will definitely be an unusually edgy week. Even for me. The tone was irrevocably set with an email from TOLLMASTER, who emerged from the primordial ooze of Insert Credit's forums long enough to plaster me with this:



Mega Man! Hoorah, friend to man and beast and robot. Drawn in... uh... menstrual blood. Boo. So very, very boo.

Yeah, I don't think this week is going anywhere good. So let's travel back in time to a sunny and inviting place known as Last Week, where our dear friend Nadia's delicious Metroid 20th anniversary feature went live. And but a few short days after that, Kohler's Donkey Kong 25-year retrospective went up as well. What is with 1UP and the Nintendo anniversary pieces, you might ask? Beats me, and I'm the one who planned them. Nintendo seems to come up with its most lasting ideas during the summer every five years. It's really very odd. The temporal traffic jam is over, though; now we can go about looking back at other companies' creations, too.

Anyway! Please do read these pieces if you've somehow missed them. We've published a lot of excellent retrospectives over the years, but these may well be the best. Take notes, because the quality is in the approach. Nadia, for instance, tackled her work from the Samus Aran angle, crafting a piece that frames the series' history in terms of the heroine's role and evolution. This is interesting, because it is not the same old OMG LOL ALIENS RIP-OFF crap that everyone else (myself included) writes. And Chris took a far more straightforward approach and did it to perfection, with ample research and a clearly argued case for DK's importance in gaming history.

"But Parish!" you sputter. This was pretty much just a rehash of what Kohler wrote in his book Power-Up!" And to you I say: of course it is. That's why I hired him for the job. This is known as "hedging your bets."

category: games | forums | 50 comments | §

End of the Innocence: 360 GET

11 August 06 | 11:47 | Posted by:

Well, guys, it's been real, but the ride is over. I now own an Xbox 360, so from here on out all I'll be talking about is middle-aged white guys with metal (or plasteel, perhaps) body armor and mouths permanently set in a violent sneer. You know the types -- the ones whose mothers told them "Your face will get stuck like that if you don't stop making that expression"... and they took it to heart. These guys have gigantic Liefeld-derived guns which they use to shoot generic Giger-derived aliens and generic Star Wars-derived humanoid soldiers. That is the heart of the 360 experience, my friends. Screw the candy-colored light-hearted crap with accessible gameplay -- the future is a dull shade of grey that makes Blade Runner look like Disneyland, with the glossy plastic sheen (even on human flesh) that only woefully-abused lighting and shading effects can offer... in HD. Obnoxiously complex controller configurations? Why, that's just the cumbersome icing on the ugly-ass cake!


Oh, wait, EGM just handed me a Rocket Slime ROM to review. Never mind! I'll have to wait to switch my allegiance until after I've finished with that. Roll on, candy-colored joy. Roll the heck on.

category: games | forums | 75 comments | §

Ninja Guidin'

10 August 06 | 10:58 | Posted by:

Today in the Holy Crap Zone: Jaleco's making a new Jaja Maru game for DS, a sequel (?) to a Famicom series which almost came to the U.S. as Taro's Quest. But didn't. The gameplay looks like it will be your typical platformer fare -- possibly stylus-driven, which should send a cold shiver of fear down the bravest gamer's spine -- but I do like the art style, a cartoon-inspired take on classical Japanese scrolls. Between this and Milon's Star Paradise I'm contemplating the possibility of opening a betting pool for which forgotten, obscure NES franchise gets a DS sequel next. I'll, uh, look into Internet gambling rules. Yeah.

(Also from the same source, it looks like Marvelous is finally getting around to doing something that seems so painfully obvious that everyone's forgotten to bother until now: creating a tactical RPG for DS, Luminous Arc. Frickin' Square Enix, not frickin' giving us Final Fantasy frickin' Tactics DS.)

Our second stop in the Holy Crap Zone features a scoop at our own dear 1UP website: a complete listing of Sega's upcoming Genesis collection for PS2. Among the games is Phantasy Star IV, which Sega has constantly failed to port to other systems. Which makes it this week's winner for the About Damn Time award. (Sorry, Luminous Arc. Missed it by a hair's breadth.)

Third prize for the award goes to the fact that I finally got off my lazy butt and added images to my eBay auctions. Let the children rejoice.

Edit: Medium Large is so rad.

category: games | forums | 58 comments | §

GET OUT OF MY TEETH

09 August 06 | 14:05 | Posted by:

Ah, conspiracy theorists. I am told I have an agenda, which has been revealed to the world on a vile Internet forum. I'm not really clear on what that agenda is since I haven't read the thread, although I have heard mention of dread Moneyhats. It appears that I am in collusion with my dark masters at Ziff-Davis to express a powerful bias about Ultimate Ghosts 'N' Goblins across multiple publications. Obviously, we're pandering to Capcom, trading favors for the huge UG'n'G ad campaign currently spread across the site. There is, after all, nothing that publishers love more than a negative review of their products! They're crazy for poor scores. Sadly, it's true: we're sell-outs at 1UP -- always willing to slam an advertiser's product across all our magazines and websites.

Or it could be that, you know, OPM was short on available reviewers this month and asked me to fill in on a game that fell right into the intersection of my major interests, i.e. retro games and portable games. One reviewer on multiple pubs isn't something we generally do, but it does happen from time to time when there's no easy way to work around it. Curiously, though, it only seems to create a stink when fanboy favorites come under fire. For instance, one person reviewed Disgaea 2 (favorably) in all of our publications this month as well, but I haven't heard any squawking about that. Funny that.

Here is a heart-warming anecdote for you to enjoy this fine Wednesday: my retro column for this month's OPM extolled the virtues of 2.5D gaming and included a sentence talking about how Ultimate Ghosts 'n' Goblins is such a great example of the type. It was written a week before the reviewable came along and I discovered that the game was not in fact as enjoyable as I had expected, though fortunately the copy desk noticed the resulting before/after discrepancy and saved the day. This is precisely why it is really not a good idea to make assumptive leaps about games until you actually play them.

In summary: the Internet is still a collection of hysterical geeks who often allow their own self-esteem to become wrapped up in the products that serve as their ersatz social lives. Like it's always been. Meanwhile, it took us all of two minutes this morning to decide that yes, we should continue trying to avoid one-reviewer-multiple-publications situations whenever possible. Like we've always done. Profoundly earth-shaking events.



Meanwhile, in news that actually matters, Rhythm Heaven is completely awesome. And by "completely awesome" I mean completely awesome. It does, however, have some really awful box art.

category: games | forums | 27 comments | §

Himitsu

08 August 06 | 17:29 | Posted by:

So maybe when you get Skype and pass your user name along it should be, you know, not in public comment fields. Not that most people are probably excessively concerned about privacy in a program they'll rarely use, but it never hurts to avoid laying bare your secrets to the creepily invasive eyes of the Internet. (See Figure 1.)



Anyway, as several people guessed I'm launching a sort of retro-game-oriented podcast kind o' thing at 1UP and I want it to be very inclusive -- which means getting the public involved. Our first topic will be a tangent derived from Nadia's completely great Metroid 20th anniversary retrospective, and the seating chart is already full up. But do get yourself an account and let me know your user name, along with topics you might possibly enjoy discussing. And maybe brush up on your oratory skills.

Also, the cat's apparently out of the bag, so I can mention the Double Splendid News: BUMPY TROT 2. Oh yes.

category: blog | forums | 22 comments | §

Money can be exchanged for goods and services

07 August 06 | 10:36 | Posted by:

I didn't think the decision to get an Xbox 360 was that big a deal, but clearly I was mistaken since 1UP took a moment at today's staff meeting to applaud my willingness to join the next generation. Honestly.

Money is, alas, a little tight at the moment (seeing as the majority of my bank account is currently on loan to various friends and peers and security deposits), so I'm clearing out a handful of useless baubles to help finance my adventures in upward mobility. And you know what that means: it's time to whore eBay auctions.

Baubles on offer include my precious version 1.0 firmware PSP, the Final Fantasy IV GB Micro and even my Japanese Famicom-style GB Micro. Which is pretty much the same as the U.S. edition, except with the Club Nintendo-exclusive Controller II faceplate. That is HOT. Coming soon: the complete Famicom Mini collection plus the accompanying Famicom version GBA SP as a gigantic collector's set of pathetic retro self-indulgence. I'm being a little more ruthless than is strictly necessary in putting stuff up for auction, but sacrifices are in order if I wish to join this so-called "next-gen" of which the children speak so often these days.

Basically I'm posting links here in semi-desperation. I'll send extra goodies along with the merchandise if the winner happens to be a regular reader, even.

Also on a completely unrelated note: people who like classic games should get a Skype account and let me know their user names. It will come in handy soon, I do believe.

category: blog | forums | 27 comments | §

The rumors were right

05 August 06 | 16:36 | Posted by:

I am a slave to Microsoft. And by "slave" I mean "I have finally broken down and purchased a Microsoft-made console." It's taken me almost five years to come to this point, but I knew it would happen eventually.



The surprise is what has turned out to be the impetus for this decision: Dead Rising. When Keiji Inafune stood in front of us at Capcom's 2005 pre-E3 press conference and showed off the company's first next-gen creation, I had to struggle not to puke. This was particularly difficult coming as it did on the heels of the Final Fight Streetwise trailer. Dead Rising at that point was just a really, really ugly version of State of Emergency -- but with zombies! Since "but with zombies!" is roughly as hollow and meaningless a selling point as, say, "but with pirates!" or "but with monkeys!", this is to say it looked terrible in every possible way.

The game's come a long way since then. I've watched Sharkey spitting gobs of phlegm at the undead with growing envy, read of how shambling rotters can be defeated with Servbot costumes with growing giddiness, and learned how some remnants of the Dragon Quarter team have applied their unique design philosophy to the game with growing eagerness. Much to my amazement, I realized the other day that I actually want this game. So I guess I'll be playing into Peter Moore's vile schemes by getting a 360 and Wii this year with the money I might otherwise have spent on a PS3. Looks like that streak of Sony fanboyism was short-lived. (Approximately 23 hours, if the timestamps are to be believed.)



Of course, yeah, the prospect of Symphony of the Night in progressive scan probably factored in there somewhere, too.

Also: to everyone who has ever complained that they've gotten a "Spam is not appreciated" message upon trying to leave a comment here, you'll be glad to know I decided to loosen up my anti-spam measures and deleted a bunch of word filters yesterday. Within hours, I was inundated with the comment spam. I will never take your needs into consideration again.

category: games | forums | 72 comments | §

An intellectual exercise

04 August 06 | 18:00 | Posted by:

Well, I probably shouldn't call it "intellectual" -- it's likely to scare off the intended audience. But I'm told that having the audacity to like a slightly basic DS dungeon hack more than a terrible PSP platformer has given rise to accusations that I am afflicted with the dreaded taint known as BIAS.

Could it be, I wondered? Could it be that despite my best efforts to be fair and even-handed when writing down those all-important numbers on my 1UP reviews I allow myself to be swayed by some sort of inherent personal preference? Well, of course I do, just like anyone else. But I was curious to see just how biased I truly am, so I sat down and averaged out my cumulative review scores for PSP and DS games to date. And yes, without question it seems I do tend let favoritism factor in:

• PSP review average: 6.96
• DS review average: 6.88

Well, there you have it, folks. Incontrovertible proof that I am, in fact, biased in favor of Sony's PSP. Just like the rest of the media. So much for objectivity. I have failed you all :(

Also: I have previewed Star Fox Command, and it was not the train wreck I was expecting. That's a pleasant surprise, though it still doesn't elevate my feelings about the series above a sort of tepid apathy.

category: games | forums | 26 comments | §

SO ANYWAY

04 August 06 | 08:51 | Posted by:

Well, that was all very silly. Oh, Internet, you are so very temperamental.

I've been meaning to write about a book I read recently, having picked it up on a whim after some other blog dude mentioned it. Probably Danc at Lost Garden, but it's early in the morning and I'm too groggy to look it up. It carries the deceptive title of Character Design for Mobile Devices, but do not let that fool you -- it is in fact a 150-page love sonnet about sprite art.

The book does pay special attention to portable systems and mobile phones, since that's about the only place you'll find bitmaps being crafted these days, including a detailed if not-quite-comprehensive history of handhelds. It probably could have used a little editing since the author has a tendency to write something, and then write almost exactly the same thing a few pages later; also, there are quite a few captioning goofs. Minor problems, though, for a book that basically exists to say "look at the beautifully-made pieces of pixel art. Please do not let this art form die."

It appears to be a European book, but offers all the benefits of its origins (gorgeous layouts) with none of the typical quirks (it is shockingly light on the UK-centric stuff like Spectrum and doesn't coddle Rare). All in all: worth getting just to be able to curl up and look at lovely sprites writ large. Even if my evil nemesis Brandon Sheffield is given special thanks. (It's hard to say what exactly he contributed as I saw no anime porn art whatsoever in the book.)

I guess it's even more appropriate to write about this today after all the Ultimate Ghosts 'n' Goblins hand-wringing, since UG'n'G criminally replaces the series' intricately-crafted bitmap art (always among the best in its time) with poorly-made polygons. This judgement is based not on nostalgia seeing as I have no strong feelings about the series one way or the other; rather, it's derived from a simple appreciation of things that look nice. Stiffly-animated, badly-textured 10-poly character models buried beneath garish lighting effects: not so nice.

category: media | forums | six comments | §

Ready to rumble

03 August 06 | 15:19 | Posted by:

I'd always wondered if you could feel an earthquake while riding a bus or train. It turns out the answer is yes; you know you're experiencing an earthquake when it feels like the train is straining to leap off the tracks.

I'm disappointed yesterday's little trembler didn't hit an hour earlier, though; I would have been at the office, where I could have enjoyed our building's kinetic energy dampening technology. Which is to say, the entire skyscraper sways back and forth until the quake's force has been dissipated. I like to call it "Mr. Ziff's Wild Ride" due to its slightly nauseating resemblance to a 25-story Six Flags ride.

I see that the new EGM has started to hit subscribers, which means I can mention a couple of things that have been on my mind about this particular issue. For starters, my Deep Labyrinth score is in error -- I meant to type "6.5" at the time but gave it a "7.5" by accident, which I didn't realize until the printed issue had arrived. This is why I will never again finish writing a review at 2 a.m. and submit it while half-asleep. Anyway, my score was still way higher than anyone else's, which I expected since not everyone enjoys dungeon hacks with same demented glee as I do, for whatever strange reason. Tsk, some people's kids.


Secondly, the import version of Ultimate Ghosts 'N' Goblins has arrived at the office, so I can finally talk about what complete crap it is without breaking any embargoes. Although I guess I should save my juiciest venom for the 1UP review. It is a terrible, terrible game, and the fact that some people have convinced themselves it is a work of art speaks volumes about how powerful the forces of nostalgia and franchising can be. It is not the game everyone was hoping for, except that small demographic that savors physical and psychological trauma. In fact, it is the worst thing to be inflicted upon the Ghosts 'N' Goblins legend since the atrocious Game Boy Color port of the NES port of the original arcade game. It is not good in every sense of the phrase.

Had UG'n'G been attached to any other name, people would be throwing it off the rooftops and setting fire to the developers' hair; but since it's attached to a series known for its toughness, fans of the series are deluding themselves into believing that its cheap level designs, ugly graphical "style" and completely broken control scheme are positive traits. I've even read that Edge gave it a 9, which is unheard of for a lousy game developed outside the UK. Of course, I can't hold that against them -- my finger slipped on the number row recently as well, although admittedly not by five whole keys.

Well, stick to your guns, UG'n'G fans. Maybe if you believe in its quality hard enough a magical fairy godmother will turn you into a hardcore gamer. Meanwhile, I'll stick to games that don't completely suck. Like Deep Labyrinth. (I believe the proper sound effect here is zing.)

Edit: The Mega Man ZX reviewable just landed. Capcom gets a little bit of post-UG'n'G grace for taking the voice acting out of the English version. DS cards demonstrably lack the capacity for full vocal tracks, and the thought of listening to badly-acted English dialogue compressed to the point that it sounds like it's playing over a dying transistor radio was not warming my heart. Silence is so much better.

Also, 100% LOL at the transformation of the Return Of Crystallized Knowledge SYSTEM into the Meta-Encapsulated Granule Awareness System. Much less LOL for the change of Serpent Company into Slither Inc., though -- it's much, much too Harry Potter for its own good.

Edit: I just realized that it's been three years to the day since 1UP hired me. I feel like I've accomplished very little here, but hopefully posts like this will help advance my career of being disliked by people with nothing better to do with their time.

category: games | forums | 51 comments | §

Contact made

01 August 06 | 10:53 | Posted by:

So I spent yesterday evening in the emergency room after my girlfriend decided to put the old debate about immovable objects versus irresistible forces to the test by using her hand as the object and an X-Acto knife as the force. (Turns out the irresistible force wins, provided it's sharp enough.) Thankfully, aside from a sore finger and an achey tetanus booster, there was no lasting damage. But we did get a glimpse into the life of an ER tech when she apologized for coming in with "such a stupid injury."

"No, I'll tell you what a stupid injury is," the tech confided. "A stupid injury is when you come into the ER after injecting heroin into your rectum. A stupid injury is when you come here after shoving an object so far up your rectum that it punctures your colon and you have to get a collostomy."

The lesson learned? Don't beat yourself up over minor knife accidents. Also, bottoms are not for storage.

I did take advantage of my five-hour waiting room experience to put the wraps on Contact. I'll save my detailed analysis for the 1UP review, and my very cursory analysis for EGM. I will say that it was everything I had hoped for when I played the import, and unlike a lot of RPG-type games the later areas are actually much more interesting than the first few sections.

I would also like to debunk the mistaken belief that Contact is Earthbound's Second Coming -- once you get past the pixellated Professor, there's really not that much in common between the two games. There's actually much more of StarTropics at work: you control a kid who travels from island to island, fighting all manner of monsters and the occasional alien. Fortunately it doesn't try to be an action game with terrible controls, instantly making it a lot more enjoyable than StarTropics. No yo-yo, either, but so what?

If anything, Contact is basically a big sloppy kiss to 8-bit games ranging from Rally-X to Gauntlet, and it has a certain retro feel to it all the way down to the ending. In fact, the finale left me sitting in contemplation in a way that reminds me of Mega Man 2's ending; there's a similar sort of wistful abstraction about it. Well played, Grasshopper, well played indeed.

Anyway, yeah, the review's probably going to be pretty positive.

category: games | forums | 25 comments | §