One last dribble of Wii

29 April 06 | 19:41 | Posted by:

I wrote a thing about Wii over at that other site. It's a little pithier than I really intended; usually Speaking Ups are supposed to be... well, not quite dry, but certainly less tongue-in-cheek than this. I suspect that this sort of flippancy may in fact be an unavoidable side-effect of the name Wii. Yes, I'm blaming Nintendo here rather than my own weakness. It's America, I'm allowed to expect others to bear the burden of my failings.

Those jerks The fine people over at The Gamer's Quarter have enhanced and appended the grand list of Metroidvanias, all while shaking their fists at me angrily for including Clash At Demonhead despite its hub-map design. To which I can only reply: Clash at Demonhead is awesome, so who cares? See, this isn't Wikipedia or some damn thing, so I can be as unprofessional as I want. Well, I guess that is kind of like Wikipedia, come to think of it. But I don't pretend otherwise. So yeah. Anyway, I'm almost finished with my replay/note-taking of Metroid: Zero Mission. One down, several dozen to go.

category: games | forums | 30 comments | §

It's-a done

28 April 06 | 15:06 | Posted by:

Well, I just watched New Super Mario Bros.' credit crawl, so I guess I'm "finished" with the game. But of course I'm not, really. Unlocking everything will probably require a month of effort and a streak of determined masochism. And I'll be just as happy to wait until I get my hands on a copy that can be played on a Lite, because the old-style DS screen is giving me eyestrain. Yes, I'm spoiled, but I'm also practically half-blind, so ease off.

Now for more important matters: I want for everyone in the world who read the comment about how NSMB could well be referred to as Super Mario Bros. 4 in yesterday's update and felt compelled to tell me that NO DUDE SMB4 WAS SUPER MARIO WORLD to stop, take a deep breath, and walk over to the mirror. Now, stare intently into the reflection of your own eyes and chant "I will not be so literal-minded" for a short while. Finally, whack yourself over the head with a squeaky mallet or other harmless blunt object.

Once you're finished with the mild self-flagellation, spend some time in quiet contemplation of what the comment could have meant. Think hard, and if you get it right, you graduate from the Internet.

category: games | forums | 20 comments | §

How do I love thee

27 April 06 | 15:27 | Posted by:

You know how much I love Final Fantasy XII? I love it so much that I'm excited to see Sony has finally confirmed the U.S. release of Rogue Galaxy, which despite arriving slightly before FFXII in both Japan and America is quite simply the single biggest FFXII rip-off imaginable. Oh, except -- ouch, random battles. So maybe it would be better to describe it as the unloved offspring of FFXII and Skies of Arcadia, since both the tone and encounter rate are totally like Skies.

But I think there's maybe been enough talk of RPGs around here lately. And I don't even want to get into that whole Nintendo Wii business. So... uh, how about that New Super Mario Bros., eh? It's, uh... I wonder if I'm allowed to write about it? The print/online disconnect is so annoying. Maybe if I limit myself to "I am enjoying it despite being forced to play it on an old-model DS with a mushy D-pad and a heavy steel security device bolted to its back"? Or "Basically this is Super Mario Bros. 4." Or "Stop capitalizing on my childhood you jerks."

category: games | forums | 24 comments | §

Beyond retardation and evil

26 April 06 | 08:24 | Posted by:

Well, hopefully the worst of that is over. Traffic yesterday came within spitting distance of tripling my all-time record from three years ago, which would make me happy if it hadn't been for an article I wanted to keep a bit sub rosa. I have both an Advent Children review and an FFVIII re-evaluation halfway written already, but I guess I'll let things simmer down for a while before those go up. No need to paint a target on myself for the mob's torches and pitchforks.

Actually, it wasn't that bad, considering the slightly terrifying fanbase for FFVII. I'm sort of surprised by how little venom I actually experienced directly. I guess the Internet is growing up a little bit; in years past I would have weathered a firestorm of angry email, and having active comment threads is just asking for trouble. But from 7,000+ page views I only received a single email telling me I'm arrogant and a few snide remarks in the site comments. It seems that these days people prefer to seethe in the comfort of their own stomping grounds, be it an infamously angry forum, a deadly-influential aggregator or just the journal of someone who should really know better. This sort of geek territorialism is really great, because it makes far easier the task of avoiding such winning remarks as "People like this should never be allowed to write!" from people who can't recognize tongue-in-cheek flippancy... even when it's clearly stated as such in the referring link. But I guess context and comprehension aren't nearly as fun as working yourself into a zealous froth.

Anyway, you self-expression-hating doods will be happy to know that the Internet ceases to be an egalitarian venue as of today. You've gotten your wish. Hope you can afford to be a first-class citizen in the brave new world of corporate control.

And now! Back to your regularly-scheduled programming. Which I guess mostly consists of me not really doing much of note in this particular space.

P.S., did I miss anything?

category: blog | forums | 41 comments | §

Duck 'n' cover

25 April 06 | 09:54 | Posted by:

Oh geez, that stupid FFVII diatribe was slashdotted today. So much for keeping it, as they say, on the DL. These days, toastyfrog.com exists as a sort of separation of church and state kind of thing, so I can be an opinionated jerk about games without being fired, but now there's no way my screed will be going unnoticed. Carless, this is your fault, and I expect a cushy job once the axe falls.

Actually, I doubt anything will come from this, but it should definitely make my Square Enix booth visit and interviews a lot more interesting come E3.

Speaking of E3, preparations are in full swing and I'm already considering a cyanide capsule to cut my suffering short, which means nothing much is happening with Issue Six at the moment. End of May is definitely the ship date, for shore.

P.S. Congrats to Kevin Cogger for coining the neologism "pokemonetize," which has inexplicably generated about 200 Google hits for this site in the past 24 hours. I'm not entirely sure why people are suddenly so eager to search for it, but given that Kevin's comment is the only search result that comes up I think it's safe to say he has successfully invented his very own word. Well done.

Edit: Say guys, guess who wrote a Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin preview based entirely on second-hand information?

category: blog | forums | 30 comments | §

Word to Mother

24 April 06 | 13:52 | Posted by:

So I guess NCS isn't so keen on Mother 3, which is kind of weird because I'm totally digging it. I get the impression a certain contingent of people had it in their minds that the game would be... something. Which it's not, necessarily. There's no junior pipsqueak out to save the world by smacking cultists with a baseball bat; it's more a standard RPG in a lot of senses. So, yeah, boo hoo. It's not exactly the same as Earthbound.


In fact, it's quite a bit more fun, thanks in large part to the battle system which somehow manages to turn the bog-standard Dragon Quest format into something completely great. The best part is that this whole transformation comes about through the integration of three elements which were already present in Earthbound: continuous hits, musical sampling and the wide variety of battle themes.

Every physical attack you perform in Mother 3 is accompanied by a musical tone, and each character has a different "voice" -- Flint is a saxophone, Duster is a slap bass, Boney the dog sounds like, uh, a dog. Et cetera. By tapping the A button in time to the beat of the battle theme, you create a sort of musical counterpoint that also, handily, serves as an added damage bonus chain (up to 16 hits total).

The tricky part is that nearly every enemy has its own theme, and they vary wildly in tempo. When you're up against a monster with a driving 4/4 beat, it's a simple matter to keep time and rack up a huge bonus. But some enemies are accompanied by more complex time signatures, or piano themes with no easily-determined beat, or even anthems with shifting tempos. So there's this added element to the action, since you need to find the proper timing for each different composition... which can be tricky at times.

Of course, you don't have to master the rhythms. You can just fight like normal and settle for standard (puny) attacks -- but in some of the tougher fights, every little advantage helps. Admittedly, I find myself feeling like a total doofus nodding my head to the battle music to keep the tempo while playing on the bus, but it is so totally worth it when I can double the power of a single attack through the application of (gasp) actual skill. Sure, Legend of Dragoon and Vagrant Story have already been there/done that, but Dragoon was crap. C-R-A-P. Crapetty crap.


Oh, and for once the name "Mother" actually sort of means something, since the drama surrounding the mother/wife character Hinawa is sort of the pivot point for the entire story. How about that.

Anyway, I was pretty sure Mother 3 was a shoo-in for localization until I met the lesbian princess and stumbled across the foofy pink palace full of unshaven men in frilly dresses. So, uh, maybe not.

Edit: In case you'd actually like to see the melodic combat system in action, we've posted a video over where I work. Check out that totally sweet 16-hit combo I scored right at the start. I am your new king.

Doubleplus Edit: The full 1UP preview is live now as well.

category: games | forums | 22 comments | §

The man with the machine gun

23 April 06 | 15:25 | Posted by:

While everyone has been getting their panties in a bunch over other people's opinions about video games, I've launched a modest project. And, as with all of my projects, a very doomed one.

category: blog | forums | eight comments | §

Revisionism

22 April 06 | 16:55 | Posted by:

It occurs to me that the FFVII thing I posted yesterday is the latest instance of a strange new trend for me: revisionist confessions. First there was that Earthbound thing last week in which I came to terms with the fact that the game is no longer nearly as annoying as I used to think it was; now I've recanted my former willingness to defend the errors and excesses of FFVII. What's next, a scathing screed against Bionic Commando?

Maybe I should put it to a vote. What should I change my mind about next? (And before you say the obvious, Xeno-whatever is off limits. Some things should be sacred, you know?)

category: games | forums | 25 comments | §

OK, so maybe 420 isn't a joke

21 April 06 | 14:57 | Posted by:

I guess I misspoke yesterday. It seems that San Francisco is really, really serious about 420. I guess it makes sense; our hippie legacy means that pot is probably the closest thing to a religion you'll find within the city limits. And political activism, especially for pointless left-wing rallying causes, is all the rage. Combine the two and mix in the fact that most pot fans consider smoking up in itself to be a political statement and you have a clear explanation of why the city had a blue-tinged haze yesterday. The last time I've smelled as much dope as on my bus ride home last night was when I was at the Fillmore (a hippie institution) to see Ozric Tentacles ('nuff said). I kept wondering why there was a skunk-like miasma hovering over me all the way home until I stood up to leave and realized the entire floor at my feet was covered in burnt marijuana.

Anyway, the foul smells put me in a foul mood so when i got home I decided to celebrate the release of Advent Children by writing about Final Fantasy VII. I'd call it a review, but it's not. It's basically free-form antipathy. Which apparently is what people used to come here for in the first place, so hey. Knock yourselves out.

category: blog | forums | 48 comments | §

420 is a joke

20 April 06 | 16:20 | Posted by:

HEY GUYS so I went to Quizno's for lunch today because the sign outside said "Get toasty here" and I was like duuuude it's 4/20 so maybe this is where I can get some sweet bud but instead there was just sandwiches and I was like waaaay bummer.

Ah, drug humor. So edgy.

Really, though, the most important thing about April 20, 2006 is not the random, arbitrary attachment it has to pothead culture or the hilarious jokes to that effect, but rather the fact that Mother 3 has been released in Japan. (Arguably there is some tangential connection to drug abuse there, but that's neither here nor there.) 1UP will of course be lavishing a detailed preview upon it, but my initial impressions are A+ -- the sometimes contrived feel of Earthbound is missing, and the interface is mercifully streamlined. Surprisingly, the prevailing sentiment for the game is one of wistfulness and melancholy, which I have to say is not what I expected. It's a very polished game, too, and I would be stunned if Nintendo doesn't localize it. (I do not, however, know anything more than you about that particular topic -- Nintendo is absolutely poker-faced when it comes to upcoming games, which is why they managed to drop several completely new and never heard-of games into their release schedule at last night's event to everyone's astonishment.)

I'm still contemplating a scanner purchase, but I decided to invest in more RAM first. Remember the theoretical 640K ceiling? Yeah, I miss those days. My last laptop shipped with 512 MB of RAM and was painfully pokey until I rounded it up to a full gig; so I figured that a MacBook equipped with a full gig to start would would be enough. Ha ha, no. It was a unreasonably slow in places until about an hour ago, when I added a second gigabyte -- now it's running as fast as its reputation led me to expect.

I'm just glad that hardware prices drop as resource consumption rises. If this were 12 years ago, an extra GB of RAM would have cost me about $12,000. It doesn't make me pine any less for the days when I could squeeze the entire OS into a 6MB partition, though.

category: blog | forums | fourteen comments | §

Hidden costs

19 April 06 | 14:14 | Posted by:

So while I was away I decided to resume the fine art of daily illustrated blog posts. Which is all great and wonderful, except that once I returned I discovered that my new computer renders my scanner... well, impotent. Dead. Unusable. It's not such a terrible thing, since the scanner was really in pretty crappy condition after five years of regular usage and was due for a replacement anyway. But it does mean I can't get on with posting the wicked sweet sketches I tossed together over the weekend. (Note: some wicked sweetness may have been compromised by having been drawn in the middle of rough turblence at 15,000 feet.)

So, can anyone recommend a reliable, and hopefully somewhat portable, flatbed scanner for a reasonable price? Please? It means free entertainment for you so I hope you understand that compliance with my request is in your own best interests as well.

Also, I wrapped up Issue Six's text this morning on the ride to work. See down the page behind that link where it says DONE? Yeah, that's right... only about 32 months late. Go me! The final text document clocks in just a little under 20,000 words, so it's probably going to take me a while to complete the layout and come up with enough art to prevent it from looking like a big boring slab of grey. I can't imagine doing my mailing any later than the end of May, even with E3 standing athwart my near future like an angry colossus made of pain and PR junkets. Plus I'll be including a few extras with each issue as a small apology for all the delays. (Buttons, magnets, mail-order brides, that sort of thing.) Initially I'll be shipping out copies only to people who have outstanding orders, but I imagine there'll be enough left over that any interested newcomers to the site can grab a copy as well. ("Newcomers" in the sense of "having started reading the site within the past couple of years." The timeline of this particular publication is rather epochal in nature.) I'll have more details once I see how everything shakes out.

Incidentally, if your mailing address has changed within the past three years I'd really recommend dropping me an email soon to let me know your current info.

category: blog | forums | 19 comments | §

The finish line, almost

18 April 06 | 13:30 | Posted by:

Dear loved ones devourers of bandwidth:

ToastyFrog Zine 6 currently stands at 14,603 words, which means that I'm almost at my target goal of 15,000 words. (None of which are necessarily worth reading, but I never made any quality promises.) My flight touches down in San Francisco in 8 hours; by that point I will have put the wraps on the main text and, hopefully, the motley collection of sidebars. Of course, that won't be the end of the ordeal, seeing how there's still layout and art to be done (somewhat complicated by my move to an Intel Mac as it means my trusty copy of Quark Xpress 4.1 no longer works and I've been trying to learn InDesign as I go along). Details aside, I should be able to mail it by the time I head for E3 -- or at the very latest, by the end of May.

Then again, maybe I'll just grind soul-collecting in Dawn of Sorrow for the rest of my vacation and put off this ordeal another three years. Hmm, decisions, decisions....

PEE ESS: Today marks the centennial of San Francisco's great earthquake, so it seems appropriate that I'm celebrating by rocking your world. Yes, yours. And yours. And yours, over there. But not yours, you're not on the prepaid list.

category: blog | forums | fourteen comments | §

How Star Trek Got Its... ah, forget it

17 April 06 | 09:45 | Posted by:

I had this completely great dream the other night. I know, I know, blogging about dreams is only slightly less annoying than blogging about your cats. (I can do that too, if you'd like -- my parents have two new kittens that... uh... never mind.) But this dream was totally and completely the creative blueprint the Star Trek series needs to become a viable property again.

Entitled Star Trek: Destroyager, this new series would follow the exploits of a Federation demolitions crew as they travel from planet to planet, making contact with the indigenous peoples, engaging in mellow debate about non-interference and ethics, and generally dealing in situations whose primary dramatic points could be encapsulated and resolved within a 60-minute time slot.

And then, at the end of each episode, they'd destroy the planet of the week.

So basically, it's your standard Star Trek nonsense, except utterly brilliant. Paramount Pictures: I grant you this idea free of charge, this wonderful idea that will turn your crappy stinking Star Trek franchise into something people want to watch again. All I ask is that you name the chief engineer after me.

category: media | forums | 21 comments | §

How the Internet Got Its Groove Back

15 April 06 | 13:36 | Posted by:

Man, I just went like 36 hours without even opening up my computer. It was surprisingly painless. Does this mean I am ready to evolve to my next form, the Neo-Luddite? Not likely, no. I'm still a few thousand experience points short.

I've been using my keee-razy vacation time to get reacquainted with older DS games through the beautiful medium known as "The Lite." It has been 100% smashing so far. Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow in particular -- there's even more detail in the game than I realized, although I am also noticing flaws that had previously eluded my attention (like the odd flickering in the rearmost background layer in the opening section). Since I'm no longer straining my eyes to experience the joys of pretty-boy goth horror, I'm taking a more leisurely pace through the game and grinding as much as necessary to forge every weapon I can... and then using those weapons rather than just blasting my way through with the near-invincible Tomahawk/Skelerang combo, which in turn reveals even more details. Like how if you uppercut a zombie (the alternate ability of a knuckle-class weapon) its bloody zombie giblets fly upward in a dramatic arc rather than simply crumbling to the ground. It's a nice touch, and also a completely useless minor features that serves as a reminder that anyone who doesn't totally love this game is some kind of mouth-breathing ninny who doesn't deserve to play videogames in the first place.

Well, back to the Land of Relaxation (But No Internet) for me. Try not to break anything while I'm away, eh?

P.S. if all goes well the text for Issue Six will be complete by the time I touch down again at SFO.

category: blog | forums | fourteen comments | §

How Ness Got His Groove Back

13 April 06 | 18:44 | Posted by:

So yeah, I guess I don't hate Earthbound quite so much anymore. It still has some really annoying elements, like the slightly lopsided combat system that makes it much too easy to lose your weaker combatants in an instant but much too difficult to revive them, and I hate (in the non-platonic Kefka sense which involves me spitting the word "hate" in a rapid-fire sequence) the entire concept of Mr. Saturn. But overall, yeah, not so bad. I don't know that I'll ever wax quite so eloquent as Señor GameCat managed, but at least I won't be beaten as a heretic by the Church of Itoi anymore.

Earthbound Zero, however, is awful. But I guess we knew that already.

Please do read the Contact preview that went up alongside the Earthbound thingee -- it's never too early to learn more about the next freaky cult phenomenon, you know? I'm a little stuck in the game due to my illiteracy in things Japanese (and the fact that I seem to have somewhere between three to eight games in progress at any given moment), but along with Children of Mana and Legendary Stafi 4 it's high on my "hurry up and finish the stupid import, you dope" list. So that's good. It's also interesting and fun. So that's even better.

Well, back to people-watching here at Atlanta Hartsfield. People come in forms here in the south that you never really see in San Francisco -- enormously large, for one, but also deep-fried crispy tan with sun-bleached hair. I think it has rained something like 40 days in a row in SF, so that kinda makes the whole "tanning" thing pointless.

Beauty in paleness, that's the San Francisco treat. That and Sharkey.

category: games | forums | fifteen comments | §

How Lara Got Her Groove Back

12 April 06 | 12:16 | Posted by:

Today continues the Rising Fun thing over at the Land of Paychecks with a Chulip preview and this thing, which is sort of OK. I wish I'd had more time to work on it, because "OK" isn't really anything to brag about.

Also, I'm still trying to think of better name for the cover story, and still failing. Which isn't to say I like the title we went with; when the EIC first suggested it I mentioned that the name provoked a "Rising Bile" response. He seemed unamused. But, alas, I'm stumped for anything better... so.

Tomorrow's the big day, though -- besides a massive Contact preview, it also includes my long-awaited (?) Earthbound Retronauts. I've never been much of a fan of the game, but the raison d'etre for Retronauts is to take an open-minded second look at older games. I guess tomorrow we'll see if I've reconsidered my stand or if the game still kinda sucks. Either way, I'm proud of the fact that an off-handed comment on my work blog a month ago didn't just spark a 150-response thread at Starmen.net, it actually provoked them to finally come clean that yes, they really are a lunatic cult. I think we've all grown a little from this.

I'm headed out of town for family time tomorrow, where I'll be staying in a curious land where Internet access is rare and fleeting. Sadly, this means I will be forced to do no work whatsoever and spend all my time relaxing. The horror.

category: games | forums | thirteen comments | §

Big day at the office

10 April 06 | 10:13 | Posted by:

The bane of my prior week is finally online at 1UP: the Rising Fun cover story. I'd offer an exclusive behind-the-scenes look into its creation or whatever, but then I'd probably fall into a post-traumatic flashback and start shooting at people. So better to simply visit, read, and resume counting off the days until I snap for your betting pool.

Also up is my Tomb Raider Legend review which, I must say, turned out to be longer than I realized. (Maybe even longer than the game OH SNAP) There's a lot to be said about this game; it's certainly not perfect, but it's gratifying to see a worthwhile piece of software with the name "Tomb Raider" attached to it. I knew I wasn't insane for liking the first one. But man, Crystal Dynamics has got to move beyond this abrupt cliffhanger ending b.s., for serious. If you thought Soul Reaver was bad, just wait until you get to TRL's ending. "Ending," I mean.

The review also serves as the first example of scoring inconsistencies within my reviews across different publications. I gave TRL an 8.5 in EGM but only an 8 on 1UP.

"What gives?" cry the angry masses.

"We've dropped half-points on 1UP," comes the solemn reply. "And thank god for that."

It's still not as satisfying as, say, dropping scores altogether... but it's a start. It's easier to see 5 as the median with you're working on a strict 10-point scale than it is when you start adding fractional elements, presumably because anything resembling a hundred-increment scale makes people think of school grades, where 70 is the beginning of "passing."

Our goal is to disabuse the general public of that misperception and make them realize that a score of "5" is actually pretty OK. Just kidding -- we'll be happy just to survive the inevitable torrent of hate that will result from the increase in frequency of sub-8 scores.

But fear not, Cult of Eight Point Five -- we're not retrofitting our backlog of reviews, so We Love Katamari is still, yes, 8.5.

category: blog | forums | 33 comments | §

Last call(s)

09 April 06 | 19:24 | Posted by:

Just a couple of quick notices while I convalesce from the abuses of the past week: (1) You have approx. 24 hours to turn in any thoughts you might have on Earthbound or the Mother series in general for my upcoming Retronauts piece. Drop me an email or send me telepathic waves (ideally via 1UP's private messaging service). And (2), you have approx 48 hours to submit an original Mega Man Powered Up stage code to the MMPU club at 1UP. Why would you want to do that? Well, if you happen to submit the most impressive level design, we'll submit it in turn to Capcom, who will make it an official 1UP.com-branded download through their Network. So tell your fellow MMPU dorks to hurry. I don't know if I can stomach the thought of Niku/Sadako's exercises in brutality and abuse representing our fine establishment.

Meanwhile, on the toastyfrog.com front it looks like it'll be another ten days or so before I get back into the routine of real updates. I'm a little burned out from the past couple of weeks, and in a few days I'll be skipping town to visit family for a week... they don't have broadband Internet, and Apple pulled another of its little draconian stunts on my MacBook. This time, they're trying to force technological standards to evolve by not including a dial-up modem in it -- thanks, guys. Yeah, OK, so dropping diskette support worked for the iMac, but modems are a little different seeing as they're designed to interface with a technological standard that exists everywhere in the world. Oh well, such is the cost of having a copy of Oblivion to take with me on vacation, I guess.

When I return: something timed to coincide with the release of Advent Children. It will be... glorious.

category: blog | forums | 19 comments | §

Hola muchachos (y muchachas)

06 April 06 | 21:40 | Posted by:

So uh here's what I've been doing with my day.

I guess I can write off that copy of Oblivion on my taxes since it was for work, hur hur hur.

category: blog | forums | eleven comments | §

hglurblebluh

05 April 06 | 11:13 | Posted by:

It's a really really good thing Apple has that seamless transition software built in to new versions of OS X, because this week is punching the crap out of me. If I had been forced to move from one machine to the other piecemeal I would currently be dead. As it is, I'm feeling a little rueful that I didn't take that EGM job when I had the chance, because 1UP is seriously trying to break my spine and my soul at the moment. Kinda like what happened to Batman, except the perp isn't nearly as hairy.

But hey, assuming I survive the next few days, I have this to look forward to. Apparently Apple has accepted the fact that its customers are eager to hack the new Intel-based hardware to run Windows and, in an effort to sabotage their fun, has gone and officially sanctioned it. I've got about 40 GB of free space just begging to be filled with XP and the handful of games I've been forced to pass up over the years -- I believe this machine has a completely ridiculous 256 MB attached to its graphics card, and since I ponied up for the 2.16 GHz dual-core processor I'm pretty sure the PC gaming world is suddenly my oyster. System Shock 2? Check. Half-Life? Faith and begorrah! Elder Scrolls? Suck it down. And yes, Nich, I guess I'll finally play Planetscape: Torment, now.

But most of all, I'm dying to play around with Multimedia Fusion. ToastyFrog: The Video Game? Yes.

And the best part is that when I'm done I can just restart my machine and pretend I'm still living in a Windows-free world. It almost makes up for not being able to play Spectre VR. I should probably wait until this system-level muckery moves beyond the beta phase, though.

Edit: More good news: O'Malley has finally finished Scott Pilgrim 3. That gives you just enough time to run out and read volumes 1 and 2. Because, really, if you can't appreciate the greatest story ever, I don't think we can be friends.

category: blog | forums | 24 comments | §

iMpressive

03 April 06 | 14:45 | Posted by:

Say what you will about Apple -- and some of you clearly have quite a bit to say -- sometimes they really get things right. Apparently all new systems come equipped with a startup feature that allows first-time users to transfer the entirety of an old hard drive (including user settings) to the new machine. It took me about an hour, maybe 90 minutes, to transfer 70 GB of files seamlessly, and when I was done my MacBook was like a tiny, perfect replica of my old PowerBook, all the way down to the number of unread RSS feeds and the clutter on the desktop. That's like a week of my life that I've just saved.

Good thing, too, 'cause Daylight Savings totally broadsided me yesterday.

So far the MacBook seems like smooth sailing, although it's kinda sad to see Classic apps I've carried with me across ten years of systems suddenly afflicted with a horrible CENSORED icon due to the Intel changeover. Farewell, Quark; goodbye, Spectre; adieu, Fontographer. (But don't worry... I'll secretly keep you around until someone whips up a Classic environment emulator.)

Incidentally, the Intel switch marks the third and most violent system-level changeover I've suffered in 13 years of Mac ownership. Confidential to Steve: this is the last time I'm putting up with this crap. Stick to OS X on Intel for the next decade or I swear I'll... uh... something drastic. Honest.
One of the grim Classic icons in action:


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Also, the first thing the computer does on startup is take a portrait of the user for the login screen. Naturally, I put my best face forward.

category: blog | forums | 20 comments | §

Fools

01 April 06 | 12:50 | Posted by:

Hello and welcome to annual Make the Internet Stupid Day. For the record, my Xenosaga I & II import preview was totally and completely on the level. It's not my fault that the game is a complete joke.

More significantly, today also marks the thirtieth anniversary of Apple Computer. I was hoping to celebrate by making a bold leap into the company's next era, but alas -- my new MacBook Pro was put on a slow boat from China and has only now arrived at some sort of holding facility in Oakland. Monday, maybe.

The fact that Apple launched its first product (the build-it-yourself Apple I, complete with wood case) on April 1 for the price of $666 is, I suspect, probably indicative of the guiding philosophy behind the company -- namely, Steve Jobs' utter and total contempt for his customers.

The anniversary is making me a little nostalgic, like for the first time I used an Apple ][ at some summer computer camp my parents sent me to as a second grader, thus sealing my fate as a nerd from an early age. Come to think of it, I believe I programmed a piece of Tron art in LOGO, so maybe I didn't need much encouragement. Or sneaking away from my sixth grade classes to "help" in the computer lab, where help was a euphamism for "playing Lode Runner and messing around with MacPaint." Or being given a choice of high school graduation gifts, a used car or a new computer, and proving my parents' early brainwashing efforts had paid off by choosing an LCIII. (Especially when you consider I had to pay for half of of the stupid myself thanks to the exhorbitant costs of computer hardware in 1993 -- the top-of-the-line laptop I just bought cost less than the craptacularly underpowered computer I took to college). I sort of have fond memories of owning the two least reliable Macs ever made, the fire-prone PowerBook 5300c and the crash-prone Performa 5300. "5300" was not, it seems, a good number for Apple.

I even sort of miss the heated mid-90s knock-down drag-out arguments between Mac and PC enthusiasts. Sure, people still argue about it today, but it just makes both sides look stupid. Anyway, bravo to Apple for surviving (especially the Spendler/Armelio years), even if it's squandered its long-standing alternative credibility by turning iPod into a raging touchstone of wanton consumerism.

P.S. Please do not send your hit squads after me for making fun of Mr. Jobs. Thank you.

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