Campbell:Snake, sorry to treat you like some sort of convict, but things are looking pretty grim.

Snake: I'll say. For starters, I'm butt-naked.

Naomi:Don't worry, I have lots of ridiculous innuendos to share! Even though I hate you!

Campbell:Snake, your former comrades are about to nuke China. Also, one of them looks exactly like you and knows everything about you, even though you've never heard of him.

Snake: Huh, Liquid Snake. And... Decoy Octopus? Revolver Ocelot? Hold on just a minute, these names...

Campbell:Feel like they're stealing your gig, "Solid Snake?"

Snake: No, it's just that I suddenly feel like I'm trapped in some stupid Megaman X game.

Campbell:It's worse than that, actually. We're sending you into the thick of a heavily-armed mercenary army all by yourself. And since you're the only person capable of saving the world from nuclear death, we've decided not to give you any weapons at all. Good luck!

Snake: Oh well, at least I was able to smuggle my cigarettes in my stomach thanks to the fact that Naomi's shot supressed my digestive acids.

Naomi:Ah, so I guess that laxative I gave you turned out to be useful, too.

Mei Ling: Hi Snake, I'm Mei Ling. I invented the Codec which was crammed into your ear. Not only will it let you communicate with anyone, anywhere, it magically makes time stop for everyone except you and the people you're talking to, so you can have long, involved conversations in the thick of battle. I also invented your radar, which somehow knows which direction enemy soldiers are looking and even when they yawn. In addition, I have a sexy accent and make a mean cup of coffee.

Snake: Wow. Marry me.

Mei Ling: Tee hee, I'm being hit on by an alpha male! It's the highlight of my dreary nerd existence!

Snake: OK, Colonel, I'm inside the base. There's a Russian helicopter here being piloted by someone who talks like a Ninja Turtle with a bad British accent. How did a Ninja Turtle get a Russian helicopter?

Campbell:Oh, don't worry about that. It's just a little detail for the sequel.

Miller: Snake, it's me, McDonnell Miller. If you have any questions about the ergonomics of videogaming, call me! And ignore the sound of helicopter rotors in the background, ha ha.

Natasha: Snake, Natasha Romanenko here. I'll be providing your long-winded, preachy monologues about the evils of nuclear weapons.

Meryl: Snake, I'm Meryl. I'll be exercising in my cell here for your creepy, voyeuristic pleasure.

Campbell:Snake, hurry up! Find the DARPA Chief!

Snake: But Colonel, if I enter the overhead vent shaft three times, Meryl takes her pants off!

Chief: Thank you Snake, but our Metal Gear is in another castle!

Snake: Metal Gear!? Rats, I was hoping this game's name was a coincidence.

Chief: Not likely. Did you know that "Kojima" is Japanese for "Clancy"?

Snake: Then I must destroy Metal Gear! Maybe if I'm lucky this will be like the NES version and I'll only have to blow up a defenseless computer at the end.

Chief: There's only one way to stop Metal Gear! Um... incidentally, you don't know of any other ways, do you?

Snake: Uh, no. Why do you ask?

Chief: Oh, no reason. Ha ha ha. UGH!

Meryl: Murderer! You killed the DARPA Chief!

Snake: Don't look at me! Blame his all-steak diet, rookie.

Meryl: I'm no rookie! I'm just, uh, experience-impaired. Now back off!

Snake: She's shooting at me, but just look at that butt. I can die a happy man.

Mantis: Hi Snake, I'm Psycho Mantis. I'll be your skinny floating man in bondage gear.

Snake: Wow, those mission planners thought of everything.