Final Fantasy IV
Square-Enix | Nintendo DS | Remake Done Right
Personal feelings about this particular entry in the Final Fantasy series aside, this is how a remake of 17ish year old game should be done. Enhanced graphics, first-time-ever voice acting, enhanced difficulty. These changes alone are enough for any fan of the game to want to replay it; the fact that it's on the DS (so you can play anywhere) only makes it all the more appetizing.

Izuna 2: The Unemployed Ninja Returns
Atlus | Nintendo DS | More Roguelike
Didn't get enough randomly-generated dungeon hacking with Pokémon Mystery Dungeon, Chocobo's Dungeon, Shiren, or Baroque? Well, good news, everyone! Izuna 2 comes out this week, so you'll have plenty more rogueliking to do!

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
Sierra Entertainment | Nintendo DS, Playstation 2, Nintendo Wii | Movie Cash In
So, I liked the first Mummy movie. The second one was good, too, but not as good as the first, and The Scorpion King was just senseless fun. I don't know about this new one, however, because the focus isn't really mummies but instead ancient Chinese people and dragons and I think I saw a yeti in the trailer.

Regardless, even if they manage to salvage the movie from sucksville, the game's bound to be crap.

VC: Gley Lancer
NCS | Genesis via Wii via Japan | Spacy-shooty
I'm running out of snarky things to say about the endless swarm of side- and vertical-scrolling shooters marching onto the VC's virtual shelves. Except that you know, I think the title was supposed to be Grey Lancer. Check it out if you aren't sick of these shooters; don't if you are.

VC: Super Fantasy Zone
Sega | Genesis via Wii via Japan | Fantastical acid-trip shooter
Super Fantasy Zone doesn't muster the same ennui in me that, say, Gley Lancer does. That's because it's so darn cheery and whimsical! But it's still another scrolling shooter on the Wii! There's a finite number of these, right?

Right?

VC: Donkey Kong 3
Nintendo | NES via Wii | Platformer
Mario's nowhere in sight in Donkey Kong 3; instead the ape has moved on from plumbers to menace Stanley the Bugman's greenhouse. You have to scare the gorilla away with bug spray. But you already have this one for the GBA e-Reader, don't you? Don't lie, now.

VC: Ninja Commando
SNK | Neo Geo via Wii | Top-down shooter
The title is actually perfectly descriptive of the game: Ninjas + Commando = Ninja Commando.

WiiWare: Major League Eating: The Game
Mastiff | Wii | Gluttony gone digital
Seriously? This is what we've come to? Major League Eating: The Game actually seems to play sort of like a fixed-position fighting game, which is weird. But not as weird as competitive eating. Nor as disgusting.

WiiWare: Pirates: The Key of Dreams
Oxygen Games | Wii | Seabound shooter
The Wii breaks from its shooter tradition to present us with this little number, which is a shoot-'em-up, yes, but one that takes place at sea, with pirates! At least it's a little different, eh? I mean, arrrr?

XBLA: 1942: Joint Strike
Capcom | Xbox 360 | WWII shooter
Hey, lookit! It's another scrolling shooter! But this one's not on the Wii. Instead, Capcom follows up on its recent follow-up of Commando with an update of 1942 that borrows liberally from 1943 and, yes, 1944. I'm guessing you already know if you're interested in this one.

XBLA: Go! Go! Break Steady
Microsoft | Xbox 360 | Breakdance puzzle
This appears to be a timing-based rhythm puzzle game with a breakdancing theme. I'm sold, but only if it includes the song Tequila. Pee-Wee Herman always will equal breakdancing in my addled brain.

XBLA: Coffeetime Crosswords
Microsoft | Xbox 360 | Crossword puzzle
I suppose these digital versions of pencil-and-paper puzzles must appeal to someone. If you're that someone, then have at! Or you could grab a whole book of these for 99 cents in the check-out lane at Toys 'R Us. Your call, really.