BakeSpite: St. Patrick’s Day is the worst holiday of all (and it’s all McDonald’s fault)

The set of desks in our office where Travis Williams, Mike Cruz, and Frank Cifaldi sit together is basically a cauldron of bad ideas, a fiery pot that simmers with menace until the day’s misguided inspiration bubbles to the top and bursts in our faces. Today’s bad idea? “I wonder if McDonald’s still sells Shamrock Shakes? We should go find out!”

For some reason, I decided to tag along. Like everyone else in our troupe, I had never consumed a Shamrock Shake, but I’ve always been curious. Mainly, I suppose, because I feel a vague affinity for St. Patrick’s Day, it coming a day after my birthday and all. What do you call it when you do something stupid and you’re well aware that it’s stupid but you plunge headlong into stupidity anyway? Whatever that term is — lack of survival instincts, perhaps — I knew I was suffering from it. But I went along with it anyway.

Guys, Shamrock Shakes are terrible, and I’m talking terrible by the dubious standards of McDonald’s. Or what I recall as their dubious standards — admittedly, the only thing I’ve eaten from McDonald’s in the past seven years was a couple of their fake Chic-Fil-A sandwiches back when they were packing coupons for free ones in orders. I like my health, and I like food that is made of recognizable ingredients and tastes good, so McDonald’s and I don’t spend much time together.

Let’s deal with the obvious fact that this thing looks less like a milkshake and more like someone melted a bar of Irish Spring soap into a cup. Points for being all Irish-y with their St. Patrick’s tie-in, I guess, but I feel like that’s simply a given from a place with the name “McDonald’s.” Minus points for looking like something I should rub against my body instead of putting inside my body. On the other hand, maybe I should give them credit for that. Usually McDonald’s isn’t so forthcoming about the fact that its products aren’t appropriate for human consumption.

Like all McDonald’s shakes, the Shamrock Shake is a cold slurry that almost resembles dairy, except that it’s a little too gritty and slimy and seems more like drinking a petroleum-based product. You know, like frothy Vaseline or something. Flavor-wise, though, the Shamrock Shake tastes almost exactly like someone blended Scope mouthwash into a vanilla shake.

Hmm… Dial soap; Vaseline; Scope. I see a theme developing here. If this were a beauty product review, I’d say McDonald’s knocked one out of the park! But since we’re talking about a dessert, something clearly went horribly wrong. But at least I lived to tell the tale, and with only moderate intestinal discomfort! When it comes to fast food, that’s a victory. Rating: A PLUS PLUS

12 thoughts on “BakeSpite: St. Patrick’s Day is the worst holiday of all (and it’s all McDonald’s fault)

  1. Well,then I’ll stick to what elderly women order at McDonald’s,Filet O Fish and a small coffee.

  2. Ugh, reminds me of the last time I ordered a “milkshake” at a Jack in the Box. That was a type of fun that kept on giving, hours after the fact.

  3. The Shamrock Shake has been dead to me ever since they consigned its mascot, Uncle O’Grimacey, to whatever hell is occupied by the Frito Bandito. He was a green, drunken Grimace with a shillelagh! How could they callously discard that kind of pure marketing gold?

    • The slow, systematic dismantling of McDonaldland is truly one of the great failings of American popular culture. And we just stood by and let them do it.

      • First they came for the Fry Guys, and I said nothing because I wasn’t a Fry Guy.

        Next they came for the McNugget Buddies, and I said nothing because I wasn’t a McNugget.

        Then they came for me, and there was no one left to speak up for me.

  4. I’m not sure we even have these, here in Ireland. And even if we do, it’s probably been decanted from some impressively bunged-up bilge-pump. But let’s not be too kind…

  5. The hate against McDonnalds is quite overblown. While it is far from the best of fast food, it certainly isn’t inedible. I found that out by having my fast food options severely limited for two years.

    However, that just looks gross. Not even completely mixed, which would make the “mint” flavor even more horrible than usual.

    • Well, I don’t really like fast food of just about any kind. But McDonald’s makes me physically ill more often than not. Compared to high-quality fast food like In ‘N Out, it’s hardly any different than buying frozen hamburgers from the grocery store.

    • I had some American McDonald’s while I was over there for PAX, and I agree: it’s pretty foul.

      Interestingly, Australian McDonald’s uses different recipes that elevate it to ‘barely edible’. There’s a sizable quality difference between it and the Australian version of Burger King.

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