It’s almost Christmas! And that means the bleak, seething sorrow of the darkest days of the year are lurking beneath the surface of family togetherness and love for man, eating away at the edges of our souls and filling our thoughts with darkness to which the soft, warm glow of Christmas lights serves only to contrast in the most painfully ironic manner imaginable! And what better way to celebrate this time of meticulously disguised ennui and depression than with a bunch of articles that ostensibly focus on the whimsical days of carefree and gaudy videogame characters yet which ultimately highlight the soul-crushing realities behind these characters?
Merry Christmas, and remember that if you choose to drink away your sorrows this season, avoid driving until your body does its natural dialysis thing and replaces the alcohol in your veins with something that more closely resembles normal blood. No sense in smashing into someone else’s car and making their holiday even worse than it already is.
- Bubblun and Bobblun (Bubble Bobble, by David Goldberg): The happy little angel atop our melancholy Christmas tree, because it’s hard to be sad when that infernal theme music plays. Until you realize you have to play through all 100 levels again because you tried soloing it.
- Bucky O’Hare (Bucky O’Hare, by Tomm Hulett): I would like to think this is a sign that Tomm will elect to revive this franchise for his next Konami project, but given that it’s a licensed property — based on a ’70s comic book by Larry Hama and Michael Golden, who are both awesome despite what this entry would have you believe — I find that unlikely. Rue ye the conflict between your desires and corporate interests.
- Captain Comic (Captain Comic, by myself): The only thing sadder than starring in a lousy videogame no one ever played is trying to build a career out of that spurious claim to fame.