Same symptom, different disease

I posted a few months ago about my love for Hasbro’s 25th Anniversary G.I. Joe toys, specifically because they actually did a mass-production run of the legendary Pimp Daddy Destro. I realize this sort of thing doesn’t make me much different than the Star Wars dudes who are going to buy Yarna, of course, but I have to admit there’s a certain pleasure in seeing newer, more detailed life being breathed into goofy things of my childhood.

Now it seems the company’s upping the ante by making figure sets based on the G.I. Joe cartoons, and they are… wonderfully nerdy. I can’t imagine this stuff is going to sell all that well, but I appreciate the fact that these will actually exist.

I’m pretty sure this is supposed to be the Baroness in scuba gear, complete with a handy little storage case for collecting “heavy water.”

Even better: animation-style Lady Jaye and Naughty Tentacle Roadblock. Take that, anime! We can do tentacles too. And come up with a funky rhyming couplet in the process. But will he use “pentacle” or “ventricle” as the rhyming word? It is a mystery.

And finally, and best of all, Radioactive Snake-Eyes. I really hope this is a color-changing figure that goes back to normal in cold water, since this episode of the cartoon taught me that there’s no dose of radiation poisoning so fatal that it can’t be cured with a bath.

I’ve heard Hasbro’s going to keep the anniversary line going until they start churning out figures to tie in with the inevitably horrible live action movie due next year, so there’s plenty of further opportunity for this sort of thing. So if you happen to know anyone at the company, kindly pass along the following figure requests:

  • Degenerated Cobra Commander with voice chip (WAS… ONCSSSSE… A MAN);
  • Cold Slither four-pack with rock concert stage;
  • The Viper (with vindow-viping squeegee accessory);
  • Hypno-Duke and Slave Girl;
  • alternate-reality Resistance Fighter Baroness;
  • Iceberg as a whale;
  • PSA 2-pack: Roadblock with Body Massaging action and Blowtorch with Pork Chop Sandwich;
  • and, of course, a transforming Fatal Fluffy.

16 thoughts on “Same symptom, different disease

  1. If The Viper actually existed, I would immediately have to buy it for a friend of mine. Also, I have no idea what alternate-reality Resistance Fighter Baroness is about, but it sounds hot.

  2. Resistance Fighter Baroness was in a two-part episode where a group of Joes fell into an alternate reality where Cobra had won and most of the good guys were dead. I don’t remember why she had become a rebel (probably she saw Destro making our with Zarana or something) but in the end one of the Joes fell for her and stayed behind in the alternate universe to help with the insurrection. I remember it being shockingly sober given the nature of the cartoon, but then it’s been nearly 25 years since I last saw it so who knows.

  3. Man, when I was little, color-change toys were what it was all about. To this day, I think I would geek out if I could find these little tiny two dollar submarine and boat micromachine knock-offs that my parents bought for me at a grocery store (probably on the potato chip aisle) that would change color in warm or cold water. Those things were crazy awesome. Even had little swivelling cannons on the boats.

    But yeah, I think what it would take for me to geek out over toys like this would be either a 20-inch Metal Gear Rex or an equally large Kraid from Super Metroid. I’ve been waiting for those for a long time. Get on it, toy people!

  4. Oh btw, speaking of G.I. Joe…Chris Eccelston is going to be Destro in the G.I. Joe movie. Dr. Who ftw!

  5. Since they’re doing the scuba-gear Baroness, is there any chance of a “tube worm” playset to go along with it? I think that was the same episode, but correct me if I’m wrong. Cold Slither…that was great. I’d completely forgotten about that one, but as soon as I read this, the song came back to me!

  6. The more I revisit G.I. Joe, the more I realize what a brilliant parody Cheat Commandos is.

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