Consider the Goombas of the field

I haven’t written anything genuinely dumb in a while. So I figured, hey, why not celebrate the release of one of the best games in recent memory with something utterly stupid? That is how we roll in these parts, you see.

The Goomba
When was the last time you really stopped to think about this humblest of enemies, and what its role in the grand scheme of things really is? Never, I’ll bet. You monster. This article endeavors to make up for your insensitivity, although it generally fails. But at least it means well. Which is more than I can say for you. I hope you’re proud of yourself.

35 thoughts on “Consider the Goombas of the field

  1. Goombas look like walking penises. I love how in the Super Mario movie they tried to explain the game’s character designs with evolution instead of “hey, its what they had in the arcade games, so who cares why Mario is fighting against giant turtles and penises and fish? Play the damn thing and shut up”

    Anyway, that’s part of what I love about classic video gaming, we didn’t need to understands why the little car in City Connection wanted to paint all the streets in the world or who that cat was, we just wanted to play, not look for a new religion or philosophical insight in video games.

  2. I could never tell what a goomba was until they gained more definition in SMB3. Until then, they looked like angry bird heads with feet walking along the ground (the “beak” being the goomba’s “torso”). I can’t say that I’m a fan of the SMW goombas; that fact that you couldn’t instantly squish them soured me on their redesign.

  3. Goombas have always been among my favorite enemies, and allies, of the Mario games. I still have the ones I got at McDonald’s so many years ago, and a friend gave me a plush Para-Goomba at Otakon earlier this year.

    It’s good to see a little tribute paid to the first Mario enemy many of us ever saw.

  4. Also, doesn’t the “kuri” in “kuribo” (the Japanese name for goomba) mean chestnut? Because I assume they’re supposed to be mushrooms — though they were decidedly chestnutty in SMW. Go fig.

  5. Yeah, I think so. But I’m pretty sure the entire dev team was completely stoned when they made SMB, so their every decision is somewhat suspect.

  6. Hmm.. weird. I’m very sorry to tell you this, but this might be the first thing I read from you that I can say I didn’t like, for even though I was amused by the part about the shoe and the part about black bread and vodka, the rest seemed bland and predictable. I want to assume that the reason for my not liking this new thing written by you is that I might not be in the mood.

  7. Great, now SMB3 will be twisted into a thing of horror by the mental image of a flying goomba carelessly dropping its newborn babies upon unsuspecting passersby.

  8. Now I’m gonna feel really weird next time I play any Mario game. Which is good, I guess. I was too young and accepting to find the original Mario as horrifying as I’m sure my parents must have.

    Speaking of horror, I’m glad you didn’t include any “real life” pictures of dessicated ant corpses with toadstools bursting out of them to illustrate one of your points. I was fairly traumatized when I stumbled across a few pictures of that in one of my science textbooks. Thanks a lot, Nature. You pervert.

  9. What really bothers me is when people try to put Super Mario Bros. or The Legend of Zelda into a coherent storyline, timeline, etc. That’s just stupid. Miyamoto is not Tolkien and video games are not epic books like Lord of the Rings, and guess what, they don’t have to be.

    For all I care Link is a homosexual troll in search of the biggest cock to torture his anus with pleasure, and Zelda’s the drag queen whos got the weapons to deliver baby, yeah.

    That’s why I think this Goomba thing is awesome, it completely fails to take SMB seriously. And, is there any reason to take SMB seriously unless you are a horrible person with no life?

  10. I laughed so much at this article! I really loved the whole part about the flying female goomba and her deadly spore-children.

    You should write more of these funny articles if you ever have the time.

  11. So… this was predictable and humorless, and also hilarious. You are sending mixed signals, Internet! It’s much easier when everyone simply agrees I’m a hack.

  12. Thanks, I went through the hardest time in my life when I found out the other day that the Goomba article on Wikipedia was deleted.

  13. I would never think to use the word ‘Picaresque’ to describe the fireballs in DK. That’s just awesome. I guess that’s why I’ll never be a good writer.

  14. Goombella went to the University of Goom, and that’s enough clout to make her awesome. She was my sidekick of choice until Vivian came along. Goombella’s character design was leaps and bounds above Goombario (he’s a Goomba… WITH A HAT).

    As for the “hawt” comment, I am not into females, or goombas, so I cannot comment.

  15. Goombella was not, uh, “hawt,” but she was a great character because her ability was to relay amusing text about the game world. And Paper Mario is nothing without its amusing text. One might even say she epitomized the very soul of the game.

  16. Regarding oppression — of course the goombas are oppressed. They know only to walk in one direction, and turn the other way when they hit a wall.

    But they certainly don’t make decisions for themselves. And that’s why you have Princess Peach on one side and Bowser on the other, both of whom are in power to make decisions and neither of whom have the Goomba’s interests at heart.

    Do I sense an allusion to American two-party politics and the voting populace?

  17. Goombella was awesome, and my sidekick of choice throughout the adventure, so I could “tattle” every enemy and place and gain some sort of insight or another.

    And she was just sorta cute, too.

  18. Argh, sorry to double-post, but I just wanted to say that I wish the Paper Mario and other such characters would be used more often; why not Kooper and Koops in Mario Kart, for example, instead of just a generic Koopa Troopa?

  19. I always thought Goombella looked and talked like the usual suicidal, fat, manic depressive Kirby/nintendo fan. It’s just the type of character that appeals to fat bipolar Nintendo female fangirls.

  20. i have a question and i don’t feel like looking at wikipedia. why are goombas named goomba? like i see there in the picture a goomba in a kuribo shoe, but in japanese the goombas are called kuribos, so uh, it’d be a kuribo in a shoe. where did goomba come from?

  21. I’d assume that was the work of Phil Sandhop or whoever was in charge of localization at the time. “Hmm, Mario’s Italian… let’s use Mafia slang to name his enemies. And we should give ‘Koopa’ a common dog’s name.”

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