Symphony of the suck

Another Monday, another Bonus Stage. Seriously, I’m absolutely determined to keep to a weekly pace for both this and the Retronauts podcast. Especially since that meticulously-planned ToastyFrog story turned out to be the biggest flop of my existence before even reaching week two.

(The problem is that I’m completely incapable of writing fiction, which is existentially distressing given that I’ve always kind of hoped to be an author.)

After that realization set in with sickening certainty, it was a matter of either turning to other projects or turning to hard liquor; since I tend to feel a bit nauseous when I drink I figured I’d give the other projects option a shot first. Anyway, yes, I know, we’re all sick of Castlevania. I just thought this would be a nice tie-in with certain recent announcements. Don’t worry, though — after this week, Retronauts will let that particular series lay fallow for the rest of the year.

Also, much as I hate to shill for overhyped Web 2.0 ventures, you can help convince the powers-that-be that Bonus Stage is actually a worthwhile investment of my time and energy (rather than an excuse for me to slack of and do something frivolous and fun) if you Digg them. (Retronauts | Bonus Stage) Ugh, now I feel all dirty.

29 thoughts on “Symphony of the suck”

  1. It’s always a difficult endeavor to keep weekly projects going. The amount of work involved for both the podcast and the bonus stage must be tremendous. I for one appreciate the content, and you should tell the boss that I insist you keep them going.

    Plus, don’t forget you can always keep the projects going along with the hard liquor… One makes the other better.

  2. While it does sound pretty bad, since they’re redoing a lot for the PSP version anyway, I think it’d be neat if they added Richter and Maria modes (particularly the latter), except actually polish the stuff up and make it good; work with what’s in the PS version and add to that.

    –LBD “Nytetrayn”

  3. I love the podcasts, and bonus stage is a nice… bonus (sorry, words are failing me at this point)? These things are all I have left in my shattered life since 1UP tore down their Classic Gaming section. So please keep your podcast regular, as it keeps my business-only weekdays slightly less bleak.

    Sorry for the hyperbole; this was meant to be sincere.

  4. My guess is that there will be some overlap between the Saturn and PSP versions — there were hooks for some of the Saturn game’s features in the PSX release (like the hidden entrance to the Underground Garden). I think the Saturn team tried to implement ideas Igarashi intended for the game, but the results were awful. So the PSP game will likely include the Saturn bonus content done properly, but minus the terrible technical shortcomings.

  5. I love the mashed potato/ice cream analogy. Makes me somewhat happy to know I haven’t missed out on anything good by not playing the Saturn version.

  6. I give up. Seriously. Jeremy’s hatred of Saturn Symphony defies all rationality. I can’t reason with this.

    (Although I’ll make a parting shot by pointing out the few undisputed advantages of the Saturn version – new music, extra item slot and improved Richter sprite – are once again omitted here).

  7. Jeremy, the way you take SotN Saturn apart reminds me of a very polite version of the “Video Game Nerd”. See my URL for some of his, erm, colorful videos. Do you consider yourself in competiton against him?

  8. Hey, Nemo, if you’re into sloppy ports featuring compromised graphics, excessive added slowdown, inexpertly-managed load times not present in the original version and amateurishly-designed new content, I won’t criticize you. It does, however, make you the only person I know who actually likes the Saturn version. (And sorry, but the new music is as bad as the new graphics.)

  9. I’m not quite sure how this bonus stage set itself up for going off on a tangent from Rondo of Blood to the Sega Saturn version of SotN and stay on it, but it did.

    I’m almost surprised you didn’t mention the added part in the normal game where you have to fight Maria for the holy glasses. Konami of America went so far as to actually record voices for that part in english for the PS release. They were never used because that part never made it into the game. Odd bit of trivia for you that you didn’t ask for.

    Plus, if I remember correctly (haven’t played the game in many years) the Saturn version gives you an extra button to allocate use of an item to. So this makes it far superior to the PS version. Because I have a button to use peanuts AKA THE BEST ITEM IN THE GAME

  10. “Castlevania Legends for Game Boy Advance”? Wuh? No…

    But Yeah, Konami Computer Entertainment Nagoya did it, which explains the crapness. At least KCEK (Kyoto) made Circle and Legacy of Darkness–while extremely flawed, were at least highly playable (although Jeremy hates those as well).

  11. The Rondo of Blood thing was just context, an excuse to dredge up the topic and make it seem vaguely relevant. And yeah, I realized later that I had misspoken and called Legends a GBA game, but I couldn’t gracefully edit it out. So, whatever. Now Saturn Symphony lovers have something to latch onto in order to convince themselves I don’t know what I’m talking about.

    We actually recorded a bit about fighting Maria and the lost voices, but that seemed so mundane next to weird mashed potato analogies. I’m sure you understand.

  12. I’ve been trying to download this Bonus Stage video, but it keeps getting stuck about 3-4 seconds in. If I run it embedded in my browser, same exact problem. Oddly enough, it gets to your face and just gives up.

    I’m not reading into that or anything.

  14. One button for right hand, one other for left… what is that third button supposed to approximate?

  15. “relevant. And yeah, I realized later that I had misspoken and called Legends a GBA game, but I couldn’t gracefully edit it out.”

    Well, it was funny if nothing else. Toki Tori, Shantae, and maybe even Wario 3 I could see…

    Although interesting theory on IGA *taking them out* for ruining Symphony. Although we know the *real* reason is that they dared to put in strong female characters, like KCEK did, and IGA is a misogynist.

    (j/king. You must never get tired of hearing that one though…)

  17. Sadly they did not! Otherwise this would be crushing the 1UP Show. Which would certainly be good for a chuckle, let me tell you.

  18. Jeremy, thank you very much for keeping this blog going, it’s very entertaining. From the posts I’ve read from you (and seen on the 1up show), you seem to know a lot of those very interesting facts and anecdotes we won’t encounter on gaming sites which look more like databases. I like the fact that you enjoy every aspect of a game. Some people couldn’t care less about a game’s music °COUGH° shooter.

    I like the fact that your reviews are very personal.

    So anyways, here’s my anonymous kudos to you. Very fun blog! It’s definetly a fun place to go on the internets. Keep up those Bonus Stages!

  19. I dig this, and I’ll be Digging it, too.

    (Although I’ll make a parting shot by pointing out the few undisputed advantages of the Saturn version – new music, extra item slot and improved Richter sprite – are once again omitted here).

    The new music generally consisted of jazzy renditions of action themes from the older games in the series, which did nothing to complement the rest of Symphony’s more methodical score. And throwing Richter into a blotchy blue overcoat was more a superfluous alteration than any kind of improvement, especially since he still didn’t look anything like Kojima’s character design.

  20. “you seem to know a lot of those very interesting facts and anecdotes we won’t encounter on gaming sites which look more like databases. I like the fact that you enjoy every aspect of a game. Some people couldn’t care less about a game’s music °COUGH° shooter.

    I like the fact that your reviews are very personal.”

    Well said.

  21. Hey! I found a video on youtube with a new FMV the Dracula X Collection is going to have. I don’t think I’ve seen it anywhere else.
    Maybe it was leaked?

    PD: Please don’t hate me.

  22. That could in fact be the greatest thing I’ll see all day. Thanks, now I’m going to walk around today with the heavy realization that everything is an anti-climax.

  24. Hehe I hope you had a good laugh.
    Sorry for making it seem like it was CV related… but hey, the indian dude looks like a werewolf… so that could be considered CV related.

  25. Don’t tell me just because SotN Saturn sucked that Sillouhette Mirage PS was any better: There where some ratheth big omissions in the PS version that wasn’t on Saturn…I would’ve lived with it, if only Working Designs didn’t fiddle around that the games mechanics.

  26. “We actually recorded a bit about fighting Maria and the lost voices, but that seemed so mundane next to weird mashed potato analogies. I’m sure you understand.”

    Yes, I absolutely understand. I’m being honest when I say I believe you. Especially after watching the video yesterday and getting an earful of ‘the only thing different with the Saturn version is you can play as Richter or Maria from the very start. OMG! Maria has 3 frames of animation! Additions = SUCK. Here’s a mutant tengu wizard of oz tree monster. Hit it in its weak spot for maximum damage! LOL MASHED POTATO ICECREAM! $599! $599! LOLOMGBBQ WORST MOST SUCKTACULAR CASTLEVANIA EVER!’

    What’s next, Mr Parish? Castlevania 2? You gonna rag on that game for having unskippable message transitions between night and day? Present some sort of personal umbrage towards flame whips? Hmm?

    And why couldn’t you take that energy and redirect it towards ripping into Final Fantasy VII again? You just had to beat up on my favorite game. You’re gonna rue the day you harshed on the Saturn SotN! YOU HEAR ME?! RUE! WORST BONUS STAGE EVER!!!!!

    “One button for right hand, one other for left… what is that third button supposed to approximate?”

    Duh. Midna’s crown.

  28. It’s nice to see that I wasn’t actually missing anything in the Saturn version, which I almost made the mistake of buying forever ago. The mashed potato analogy was priceless.

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