For pity’s sake

I’ve decided to stop criticizing Sony’s poor, beleagured PSP. I always love an underdog, after all, and the PSP is definitely that these days. I did my part to support the DS back when everyone else was like LOL DS MORE LIKE AIDS AMIRITE, so it’s only fair. I guess in a way I’m a little responsible for the PSP’s current predicament! Because, you know, I’m such a tastemaker.

No, wait. I mean freshmaker. Never mind.

The latest blow to the PSP has come in the form of news that the system will be receiving two Final Fantasy games this year to mark the series’ 20th anniversary. That would be good news but for the fact that the games are the millionth remakes of the first two Final Fantasies. Also known as the worst two Final Fantasies. The PSP gets FF 1 & 2 while the DS gets FF12. It’s a little bit brutal, really. Granted, I do have my share of skepticism about about FFXII…

…but the balance of developer interest has shifted dramatically to match the changing tide of gamer enthusiasm, and it hurts a little to watch. I don’t even really enjoy using the PSP; the screen is a little too dim and low-contrast unless it’s plugged in, the analog nub is awful, the optical drive makes the system awkwardly bulky yet fragile. But my sympathy circuits have been activated. So please, from now on, be nice to PSP around here. You’d be picking on the weak and unpopular… and no one likes a bully.

Post script: Now we just need to hope that Revenant Wings lives up to its potential for goodness while managing to circumvent its potential for awfulness.

Yeah. Fear.

20 thoughts on “For pity’s sake

  1. No retronauts blog or podcast again? Christmas vacation is over Jeremy! Back to work.

  2. I picture Parish as the guy who listens to door-to-door salesmen and ultimately buys the cheapest product they carry because them salesguys shore have a lousy job.

    Also, while my Nintendo loving heart secretly leaps in joy because the DS won this battle, I must admit you’re right. It would be ungentlemanly of us to kick the PSP while it’s down.

  3. I feel the high school analogy works best with the PSP: Imagine if you will the PSP and DS as the rich and popular kid (who’s just a little bit of a jerk) and the DS as that weirdo loner who has just a few loyal friends (and even they don’t really get him).
    Only, now they’ve grown up, and the DS has used his detachment from mainstream reality for massive financial gain, while the PSP now plays cover songs in seedy bars.

  4. “Weirder: Doesn’t Penelo find it difficult to fight without underwear?” Hey – Why are you assuming that Final Fantasy characters even have genitalia?

  5. Okay, now imagine that all this actually happened between freshman and sophomore year. And the PSP is kinda good at playing cover songs in seedy bars, and people occasionally go see a performance and enjoy it and think, “hey, that guy still has some potential.”
    But then this DS kid shows up signing important business deals and wearing a suit, and everyone turns on the PSP kid and says, “hey, you’re being beaten by that punk loser from freshman year!” And then they laugh at him, throw him in the mud, and kick him.
    On the sidelines, commentators note how the PSP is the underdog, and how they feel bad for it. At the same time, they make sure to point out how the PSP deserves to be the underdog. They pontificate, loudly: “well, it’s too ugly and stupid to kick. I’d feel bad kicking such a retarded thing.”
    The PSP hears them from the mud and, as his glasses crack, a part of him dies inside. Eventually his tormentors tire. He is left for dead, but somehow he clings to the thread of his own existence. From the pool of his own blood, his eyes take on a wicked hue, and he swears that one day he will rise again. One day he will take his revenge.
    In his minds’ eye, he sees a relaunch, and a full library of PS1 games — all available without requiring any PS3 conduit. He sees beautifully revamped Final Fantasy exclusives. He sees a full library of original, designed-for-portable games. He sees money, power, respect. He sees himself destroying Reggie and enslaving Miyamoto. He sees himself exploding on to the floor of a Nintendo press conference. “Behold!” He shouts. “Behold my true form, and despair!”
    But then he feels the cold, hard shoes of his tormentors upon his face, and he is grounded once again in the sad truth of his existence.

  6. Look on the bright side, Vaan could have been designed as a throwback to the classic Vagrant Story “Every Male has an exposed ass” design.

  7. All this talk about Matsuno had me thinking of Ogre Battle. And why he hasn’t released another Ogre Battle or Tactics Ogre game, especially since Square-Enix owns the rights to it now.

    Speaking of which, and it maybe nit-picking, but there are errors in Retronauts 4 in Tactics Ogre section. Denim isn’t fighting against the “hero” of Ogre Battle: March Of The Black Queen. While it does take place in the same universe as Ogre Battle, it takes place in a separate land, with only a few characters from the earlier game showing up, but not the hero.

    :patiently waiting to see if the comments high-jack was a success:

  8. My PSP is now far more useful than it has been over the past 20 months I’ve owned it. It’s definitely the system I’m playing most right now.

    However, credit for that goes to some guys in dark corners of the internet who are known more by their pseudonyms than their real names. Sony has done the thing no favors.

  9. I’ve always seen the PSP (and Sony, in a larger sense) as the weird, loud kid who would be charming and likable if he’d stop sabotaging himself by being so damn inexplicable, weird and creepy.

  10. The larger issue, it seems to me, is why Square-Enix would spend the time and effort to remake FF1 and 2 again. I’ve never finished either game, but I own it for the PS1 and GBA.
    Or is it that it won’t take much time or effort at all?

  11. “Or is it that it won’t take much time or effort at all?”
    Bullseye. From what I read in the link it’s just going to be Dawn of Souls plus the FMV from Final Fantasy Origins and a bonus gallery. No original content so far.

    The only other question to be asked is whether it will have Origin’s selectable difficulties or Dawn’s complete lack of challenge.

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