Metroidvania Chronicies VI: GRUNT

Uh oh, non-Americans, look out: Metroidvania just got jingoistic. You’d better learn to love mom, apple pie and wrapping yourself in the flag to justify your exploitation and abuses of the rest of the world before you experience the shocking true story of how John Rambo saved the world for capitalism, one non-linearly-connected area at a time.

The forces of democracy have voted for me to place an awesome inline image link here.

If you do not read this article, you hate freedom and the terrorists have already won, etc.

19 thoughts on “Metroidvania Chronicies VI: GRUNT

  1. Hey, does NES Superman count as a Metroidvania? Because that game was lame and yet I found it in some way charmingly fun.

    Bonus trivia: The Japanese version of Superman features the John Williams theme from the movie on the title screen. Kemco USA apparently didn’t have the rights to this, so for the American version they yanked the overworld theme from some Japanese RPG whose name I forget by the same company.

  2. If you do not read this article, you hate freedom and the terrorists have already won, etc.

    This made me chuckle heh.

    I don’t remember much about this game other than the fact I hated it.

  3. Hmm… Just this last week, Stallone announced “Rambo IV: In the Serpent’s Eye” which he will write, direct, produce, and star in. It’s on the top of the Production Weekly website right now. So either you knew about it already or you have a mental link with Rambo. I’m not sure if that’s really, really creepy or not.

  4. Oh man, I played that Rambo game. Pretty much anything that was triggered by initiating dialouge never happens if you just ignore the person, which is just strange.

  5. Talk to her and she shares a final tender moment with her favorite white man — but if you completely ignore her and walk on past, she somehow gets better.

    I have to wonder if there isn’t a reference to this in Doukutsu Monogatari / Cave Story – at about the midpoint of the game, when you can either talk to an injured man who has fallen in a pit, which causes him to die and give you his jetpack, or make a tricky jump and ignore his weakening cries for help, which causes him to man up, claw his way to freedom, recover completely and have an even better jetpack to give you later.

    Or maybe that’s just a thing with the Japanese. Compassion breeds weakness indeed.

  6. “The helicopter is supposed to be in the background.”
    Nope. At the beginning of the game he gets out of a chopper just like that. He’s also much taller than everyone else in the game. And if anyone ever uses “FTW” here again they die horribly.

  7. I almost want you to die horribly for using the SMS box cover to advertize the NES game, because the SMS game (if you’ve ever played it) is one of the worst Commando clones ever made and way amusing in its own way. AND WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU NOT HIGHLIGHTING THE FAITHFULNESS OF THE GAME TO THE MOVIE?! THE FIGHT BETWEEN RAMBO AND THE GIANT SPIDER IS THE BEST PART!!!
    Its better than Rambo III having a message at the end thanking the Taliban for its continued fight against the Communists

  8. FUCKING YEAH! FINALLY SOMEONE TALKS ABOUT RAMBO! This, my friends, is my favorite NES game of all time. I first finished it about 16 or 15 years ago and I think it is the best NES game ever. The first time I finished it, I played through it 5 hours straight. Now I casn finish it in 2 hours straight. Thank you Parish, than you, FOR JUSTICE! (P.S.: I wrote this while listening to “I’ve seen All Good People” :P)

  9. That’s the nerdiest damn thing that has ever appeared in this blog. And this is coming one post after I compared the Magus Sisters to Piggy.
    I didn’t post this in my 1UP blog for a number of reasons, the most pressing of which was the fact that I posted about the Monkey Ball review session instead.

  10. Interestingly, yeah, ignoring the dying guy in Cave Story is also a requirement for allowing your girlfriend to survive. I don’t think it happens under a waterfall, but the next stage floods. Close enough.

  11. Remarkable game. Not because it was particularly good, but it introduced me to the possibility of destroying a tank with a knife.

  12. Rambo deserves two more points for inspiring Rambo Gizmo of Gremlins 2, and Roy Campbell of Metal Gear.

  13. Seems really wrong somehow to use words like “zeitgeist” when talking about Rambo. I think some kind of intervention is in order.

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