A study in despair

I have terrible news, everyone. If any of you buys Dirge of Cerberus this week, or ever, I’m coming to your house. And then, I’m going to hit you so hard that the only thing you can taste for the next year is your own blood.

I don’t care how big a Final Fantasy fan you are, or how much you think you like FFVII (poor soul); giving Square Enix your money for something this abysmal is only encouraging them to continue abusing consumers. There’s, like, a million other Final Fantasy products due out this fall anyway, all of which are objectively better than DoC — FFXII, FFIII for DS, FFV Advance. Heck, even Mario Hoops. Better yet, buy Rocket Slime and encourage the propagation of charming Dragon Quest spin-offs in lieu of soulless FFVII spin-offs. It’s probably bad news for Square Enix when TOSE is making better use of their properties than their own internal teams, but there you have it.

And don’t even think about using “But I want to learn more about the back story of FFVII” as an excuse. One, FFVII’s story wasn’t worth investigating beyond what was in the game. Two, DoC barely touches on the actual substance of FFVII. Three, the FFVII connection alone means that a gracefully-flowing plot is impossible, even if you were to stick a pacemaker in it.


I guess what I’m saying here is that there are too many good games in the world to squander your time and money on the bad ones. So don’t let those pretty CG graphics trick you into a fanboy froth, because you’ll only regret it later. You know, when you desperately want to resell the game but can only get ten bucks for it because the secondary market is already glutted with copies dumped by others who made the same mistake as you. It only took a week in Japan!

Anyway, this completely unrelated feature is easily the stupidest thing I’ve ever created. But that was kind of the point, so I guess it’s a success?

119 thoughts on “A study in despair”

  1. The little airline safety captions really make the piece. Also, Sharkey doing a throat punch on a DS apparently. Oh, and I know you probably wrote this piece a while back, but Samuel L. Jackson may also be Nick Fury sometime soon. A badass spy. Of course, if you’ve ever read an Ultimates comic, you know he is already.

  2. Geez. I really hate those Final Fantasy “fans” who only know how to count from number 7. Those sons of Tetsuya Nomura and his uncharismatic-but-metrosexual-enough-to-pay-to-see-it designs. Quoting Batman: “kids these days… no respect” and I add “for the good stuff”. Honest, I can’t accept that FFVII and FFX are the two most popular FF games. FFVII doesn’t suck, but FFIV, V, VI and IX are way, way better. On the other hand, FFX sucks big time, and is probably the worst non-spin off Final Fantasy.

    Compilation of FFVII should die and Nomura along with it.

  3. Uh, that’s maybe going a little too far. Deep breaths, now. One… two… three… four. There, doesn’t that feel better?

  8. As always, I’m late to the party. I got a copy of Dragon Quest VIII yesterday, so I’m in the process of giving it a whirl. I’ll probably be picking up Rocket Slim upon its release. I am curious to know if a “real” Draqon Quest is in the works for the DS, though. One would think that the DS’s popularity in Japan would encourage such a title. Anyone have any news about such a game?

  9. I didn’t plsn on getting Drige of Cerberus to begin with, but I flipped through the guide last night at EB for the hell of it…like, all the bosses are robot things with stupidass names. Oh, and the final boss looks like it took them all of five seconds to design.

  10. Wow, that screenshot you posted…it looks…it looks pretty cool. The little details on the three barrels of his gun…

    please…

    help me to stay strong…

  12. Someone just paid $67 for a Greatest Hits copy of FFVII I sold on eBay. $67 for a game that, when I purchased it for my wife, cost $9.99 on clearance. Is it really that hard to come by these days? You’d think that since there were 8 billion copies sold or whatever the used market would be flooded with them.
    .
    Meanwhile, I didn’t mind and said “ESPGaluda GET!” with it.

  13. What if you didn’t have to pay for it? Can you really lose anything other than time?

    Do you still get to keep your soul?

  16. Nice to see you include a Neo Geo Pocket Color game in the article. For its time, it was a nice little system (technically superior in most respects to the Game Boy Color). I picked one up on eBay a few weeks ago, and while I haven’t been too disappointed with it, I think I mainly bought it because I know I’ll never own a real Neo Geo. :(

  17. revan: That is a cinema. If you have played a Final Fantasy game in the past ten years, you should know better than to judge the gestalt experience by the movie-envy bits.

  18. I think it’s tragic that no one mentions FFVII: Last Order, the only good thing to come from this tragic, fanservicing mess that Square worked itself into lately.

  19. Jesus, people are paying nearly $70 for FFVII? I wish I still had the case for mine. Seriously, that’s even dumber than when I sold my GTA: San Andreas on eBay for more than full price right after the Hot Coffee scandal erupted.

  21. The umpteen games set in the “Compilation of FF7” set a dreadful precedent for FFXIII and its already numerous family. That said, is the Square half of S-E actually interested in developing (or allowed to develop) anything NOT related to FF and its more famous spinoffs (Mana and Kingdom Hearts)? I get the feeling that the Enix side has clamped down on Square and turned them into their very own “Final Fantasy developer,” just like they count on Tri-Ace for Star Ocean and Valkyrie games…

  22. I played the import Dirge of Cerebus at a friend’s house and saw how horrible it was. I tried to warn another friend not to get it, but she said, “Oh that’s just your tastes, Cary. Since you said it was horrible, it must be good.” That made me kind of sad that she said that. –Cary

  23. A spin-off of a game I didn’t particularly care for about a character I never even got? Sounds like a rip-roaring good time!

  26. “Until Homeland Security gets all hysterical and outlaws electronic devices, anyway.”

    I could swear someone told me that laptops are no longer allowed on flights…

    Anyway, isn’t Vincent really just Cloud wearing clothes from Hot Topic?

  27. I would consider FF7 an okay game if it weren’t for the fanboys thinking that God gave that game to the world to play for our sins. DoC actually looked a bit interesting for what it was, a run and gun game, but the word of it being shit has long since been out so I’ll steer clear.

    I’m looking forward to Rocket Slime, though I hear it is actually a sequel to a GBA game. Does it play the same way? I might consider importing it. I hope DQ: Jokers gets a release here. The modified DQVIII engine that it uses looks like it runs pretty well on the DS.

    Also, is TOSE the one developing FFIII? Didn’t they fuck up a bunch of straight forward ports?

  28. Man, I was all psyched seeing this here after reading the 1up review (and seeing the disheartening disparity between the intelligent and reader reviews). I mean, I had a ton of snarky comments I was ready to unload with.
    Then I found out that Gackt apparently sung some kind song for the game or something, and I had to throw up my hands in defeat. I can’t do any better than that.

  29. I’m fairly certain TOSE did NOT do the port of FFIII, but I’m not journalist – anyone who knows better feel free to correct me.

  30. I want to say I’m tempted to buy the game just to strike back, however lamely, at your evil, Cloud-hating heart, but… yeah, fifty dollars is still a lot for a game that can’t even put together enough interesting clips to fit in a commercial. And, well, paying fifty bucks to “irritate” someone who doesn’t really care seems like the sort of thing that… you’d… expect us to do. Oh, you’re sneaky.

  31. Is buying Dirge of Cerberus more of a fanboyish sin than buying the latest Megaman swill out there? Okay, so ZX is supposed to be good, but you get the idea.

  33. I’m not 100% certain myself, so don’t quote me, but FFIII is way more complex than TOSE is usually allowed to be. They’re in the port business, not the remake business. It’s one thing for Square to give them the FF Anthology/Chronicles and GBA remakes, using existing assets and games, but quite another for them to build a game from scratch using an in-house 3D engine, tweak the balance by adding new classes, etc.

  34. “I’m fairly certain TOSE did NOT do the port of FFIII, but I’m not journalist – anyone who knows better feel free to correct me.”
    –
    You’re right. It was developed by Matrix Interactive, who worked on DQ5r for the PS2.
    –
    Speaking of FFIII, Square Enix is on crack if they think moving it to mid-Nov. is a good idea. Put the condition of being the 3rd weekly FF release in a row, and getting stuck in the middle of PS3/Wii/Gears of War release mania, and you have a recipe for sales disappointment.

  35. DoC came out really soon after i came to japan. One of the coolest things i’ve ever seen was watching the stacks of the game start out massive on thursday when it came out, shrink to nothingness on friday as it sold out, and return to massive on saturday as they came pouring back in while the resale value was high. by monday, stores had signs up stating that they would not buy DoC back anymore. also, the best parts of the game (ie the cinemas) are on youtube.

  36. I know I’ll personally be waiting until the new year to pick up both FFIII and FFV Advance. FFXII, Okami, and Contact will be more than enough to get me through the holidays

  37. Square Enix is on crack if they think moving it to mid-Nov. is a good idea…

    It wouldn’t be the first time Square hit that pipe. They released Chrono Trigger and FF9 just weeks after the Playstation and PS2 launches, respectively.
    .
    Square was never the same after “spirits within”. The financial loss just wrecked the company, and they never really recovered. No little girl wants to be a whore when they grow up, but bad things happen to good developers. Look at it this way; We lost the Squaresoft we knew and love, but at least Enix games are looking really great.

  38. “Honest, I can’t accept that FFVII and FFX are the two most popular FF games.”
    FWIW, I think 8 is number 2.
    Yeah, not worth much.

    A guy at EB tried to shill the game to me. I respectfully informed him I liked FFVII…like…8 years ago and don’t care about a 2nd-rate action game spinoff right now.

    But I’m still a sucker for one of Nomura’s other fanservicey-mess franchises–Kingdom Hearts.

  39. The feature: augh, you recommended Final Fantasy Tactics Advance?
    Well at least it’s on the basis that, “yup…it’s long…and…um….”

  41. I have to admit, I picked up FFTA when I got my DS earlier this year, and it’s been a lot of fun. I’m nowhere near finishing it, but it’s very addictive, and very fun to play. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it considering I’m not typically a(n) SRPG fan.

  42. “We lost the Squaresoft we knew and love, but at least Enix games are looking really great.”
    –
    Not to mention that Enix side games are actually getting the marketing push they so richly deserve. Bring on VP2: Silmeria and DQ Rocket Slime!
    –
    Something interesting I learned about FF3 DS: Onion Knights are reportedly returning as a late game secret class, unlockable with the Onion equips.

  43. I also have an *original* FFVII. The case is cracked and the top part doesn’t stay on the rest of the case and the discs are a little scratched, but otherwise its all there. :D
    –
    In my refusal to play any games created after 2001 I tried to play it through again. I actually made it out of Midgar before I realized that much like the enertron from Chrono Trigger, the story may refill your HP/MP, but you still feel hungry.
    –
    Andrew, you gave me a good idea, maybe I should finally finish Kingdom Hearts. I mean although it requires merely the very skillful dexterity of pressing the X button over and over, it does have an… interesting storyline, the mixing of Final Fantasy with Disney. Its almost the sort of unnatural, “great tastes go together” pairing of flavors that is responsible for the reeses peanut butter cup. Well maybe thats stretching it a bit, but SOMETHING had to get me through hours of mindless button mashing.
    –
    Finaly, my copy of FFX-2 Ithink was watching me while I slept. I had to move it into another room when I found it with a knife.

  44. FF VII may not have been a masterpiece, but the gameplay was fun. I also liked the look and feel of it, with somewhat awkward, oddly proportioned prerendered backgrounds and models almost completely devoid of texture maps. It had a unique look to it, to say the least. Of course, DoC has none of those qualities, so…
    .
    Still, it might be worth it if you’re completely gay for Gackt’s bare midriff.

  45. Speaking of backdrops, I really like the prerendered backgrounds in the Boku no Natsuyasumi games. I’ve been playing those recently and they are so charming.
    .
    I kept my non-Greatest Hits copy of FFVII for nostalgia’s sake. I haven’t popped it into my system in years, though. Many years. I think the Greatest Hits version is selling for as much (or nearly as much) as the non-GH version. It’s a madhouse on Ebay, man.

  46. You know, that advice about not playing stylus-driven games during turbulence shouldn’t necessarily be followed; some of the most fun I ever had was trying to play Ouendan on Hard during severe turbulance.

  47. “I think it’s tragic that no one mentions FFVII: Last Order, the only good thing to come from this tragic, fanservicing mess that Square worked itself into lately.” I wouldn’t say they’re serving their fans as much as they’re serving their stockholders.
    “VP2: Silmeria” For some reason, I keep seeing that as Slimeria.

  48. I’ve never actually played an FF game besides FF:CC, so I’m definitely looking forward to FF3 on DS. But I actually came here to comment on your feature.
    …
    Why isn’t gunstar super heroes anywhere in your feature?!
    It’s such a good, quick, arcade stlye, 3rd person shooter for GBA.

  49. Michael: Enix games were always great. (Well ok, with the exception of Paladin’s Quest, 7th Saga, and Brain Lord, but they’re still better than the entire Saga series which wasn’t on Gameboy!) It’s just that Enix of America couldn’t market them worth a damn.

  50. “”VP2: Silmeria” For some reason, I keep seeing that as Slimeria.”
    .
    If it makes you feel any better I didn’t realize it was Silmeria until you just posted that.

  51. Being a consumer whore with far too much free time and disposable income, not to mention an obsessive-compulsive need to collect things, I will basically buy anything made by certain companies, with certain words in the name, or whatever, even if I don’t want them. Final Fantasy is one of those names, but since I heard about DoC I’ve been looking for a way out. An empty threat from across the country was apparently enough for this one.

  53. “To put it mildly, whoever wrote this, is an idiot.”

    I was going to ask if you were referring to Parish’s article(s), the comments here, or your own comment, but… I guess it really doesn’t matter, does it?

  54. An empty threat from across the country was apparently enough for this one.
    Empty threat my ass. I once paid full MSRP for Advent Children – on UMD, no less. You know, for shits and giggles. And while I won’t bore you with specifics, I will warn you that on that very night, the heavy clenched fists of Parish rained blows upon my skull like the beating from a thousand of your so-called gods.

  55. “Andrew, you gave me a good idea, maybe I should finally finish Kingdom Hearts. I mean although it requires merely the very skillful dexterity of pressing the X button over and over, it does have an… interesting storyline, the mixing of Final Fantasy with Disney. Its almost the sort of unnatural, ‘great tastes go together’ pairing of flavors that is responsible for the reeses peanut butter cup. Well maybe thats stretching it a bit, but SOMETHING had to get me through hours of mindless button mashing.”

    Actually, the last area does require much more puzzle-solving than in the rest of the game, and the boss battles are really fun. Granted, it’s not in Zelda territory, but it’s still a huge step up and wraps up really well.

    I would say there’s still much more challenge and strategy in that than mashing the FIGHT command–since you can actually move around the field. Although you control one character with an AI partner. Anyway, in KH2 you often have to mash the Triangle button too. KH2 almost seems less like an actual action-RPG than it does a beat’em up where you happen to have a weapon equipped (and there’s one huge battle scene that is basically a nod to Dynasty Warriors). There’s not an extremely huge difference between the last PS2 CV and KH2, as far as at least the character controls and features go.

    Regardless, it does have the most insanely hard-to-defeat incarnation of Sephiroth ever–voiced by, appropriately enough, ex-Superman voice-actor George Newburn.

    “Michael: Enix games were always great. (Well ok, with the exception of Paladin’s Quest, 7th Saga, and Brain Lord, but they’re still better than the entire Saga series which wasn’t on Gameboy!)”

    I’ve never gotten the love for the old Dragon Warrior games (at least 1-3). Nostalgia aside, you’re still doing tons of level grinding, the story is virtually non-existant, and the remaining substance of the game is fairly thin. Yeah, I’m on the “DQVIII’s gameplay was way too ancient for me” side.

  56. “I’ve never actually played an FF game besides FF:CC, so I’m definitely looking forward to FF3 on DS.”
    .
    When I first read this for some reason I was thinking ‘Mystic Quest’ and I was surprised that you didn’t want to collect any copy of any incarnation of Final Fantasy ever made and have one big happy, smelling of plastic burning bonfire. Then I realized you meant the Game Cube one and my blood pressure went down again.
    .
    As for Kingdom Hearts, there are definitely a lot of good things about that game, and I enjoyed my time there because of them. I usually don’t stop playing a game for years because I grow tired of it, usually I just go through a period where I have no time and then forget about it. MUST COMPLETE GAMES! I actually never completed FFVII or VIII, I still have my saves near the end of those games. But FFIX I actually did play through, maybe it was something about that game throughout being a total delight for me to play… or something.
    .
    Anyway, speaking of Kingdom Herts and FF character ‘cameos’ in other games, best/worst FF Character cameo for me has to be Cecil and Rosa in Secret of Evermore.

  57. “To put it mildly, whoever wrote this, is an idiot.”
    .
    Don’t be so hard on yourself, dude. Sure, it’s a useless comment, but I’m sure you have some redeeming qualities.
    .
    Also, nice try on the Mega Man dig, but it’s been several years since I’ve blithely snapped up everything with the series’ name on it. Dead Rising notwithstanding.

  58. Andrew: “Nostalgia aside, you’re still doing tons of level grinding, the story is virtually non-existant, and the remaining substance of the game is fairly thin.”

    You just said this after praising Kingdom Hearts…

    thomp: I’ll still take Mystic Quest over Lufia.

  59. Did Sharkey just suddenly get over his camera-shyness? He’s been in every other episode of the 1UP Show lately, and now he’s even showing up at the top of features.

  60. personally, i love sharkey’s voice. it’s dryer than a week old loaf of bread in the sahara, and coated with the bitterness only a pack of cheap cigs can provide. and man, he’s fucking quick with his commentary. talking with him was one of the high points of an otherwise sad e3.

  61. Hmm, Lufia I have not played, but I’ll take your word for it. I just remember seeing the Mystic Quest preview in Nintendo Power and having played the heck out of FFII I was seriously hungry for another Final Fantasy experience. When it came out I went down to Target and when I saw that it was only like $35 or something, I thought it was some kind of mistake. That game seriously let me down.
    .
    I didn’t really know at the time that it was supposed to be for beginners, to get more people into the genre, and so now I understand. Well wait, no I don’t. Half a game does not make for half a game experience, just a very bad one. I would think that game would turn more people off to RPGs than encourage them to pick up FFIII (you know VI japan) or Secret of Mana.
    .
    It did have some kickin’ guitar battle music though

  62. “I’ll still take Mystic Quest over Lufia.”
    .
    Surely, you don’t feel that way about Lufia II? It’s so full of chocolatey, puzzley goodness! It’s like Zelda and Lunar had a beautiful love child, only with much less personality.

  63. If they don’t do a noir episode of the 1Up Show starring Sharkey, everybody there should be fired. Or reprimanded. Or told to make it. Something.

  64. I can’t wait for Kingdom Hearts 3. I hear they’re going to allow you to use a third button in combat. And Jack Sparrow has a big boss fight against Ultros.

  65. I guess the strangest thing is that people anticipated this game to be good. When was the last time Square made anything good that wasn’t an RPG?

  66. The ripping of Mystic Quest has always bewildered me somewhat. Most certainly it’s not near up to IV’s or VI’s standards, but taken for what it is, it was a good game. And as Thomp said, it had some good battle music. Point in fact, the boss music competes with Lufia II and FFVI for ‘Best Boss Music EVAR’ in my book. I’d like to see a GBA port of the game, frankly.
    –
    “Surely, you don’t feel that way about Lufia II? It’s so full of chocolatey, puzzley goodness!”
    –
    The puzzles were a reason to dislike the game, not like it. It’s fortunate that the game managed to be awesome despite them.
    –
    Square just needs to give me my VI GBA port and some port of Bahamut Lagoon. That’s all I ask.

  68. Isn’t the US version of DoC supposed to be better than the Japanese release in some ways? Not that I was going to buy it anyway; I spent all my money on a cheap copy of Zelda: Minish Cap, which is wonderful.

  69. Dirge was moderately improved for the US release, but it’s still the same game. It’s like being downgraded to a slightly less virulent form of herpes — the symptoms may not be be as noticeable, but you still have herpes.

  70. “I guess the strangest thing is that people anticipated this game to be good. When was the last time Square made anything good that wasn’t an RPG?”

    Einhander

  71. Einhander was good for what it was. Unfortunately, it was stupid.

    Also, excellent shirt on the 1Up Show Jeremy.

  73. A serviceable entry in a dead genre with extremely shallow religious symbolism and a mediocre story? Thanks, but I already played Tyrian.

  75. Story’s the best part of a shoot-em-up! With stirring tales that span the gamut from a lone starfighter’s triumph against an entire enemy armada to a solo space pilot’s victory against a whole enemy fleet, it’s really the only reason to play.

  76. I really enjoyed FF7, and I’ll be avoiding DoC just to keep it that way. One of my co-workers chugged the Flavor-Aid and was trying to sell me on it today, in fact, (before you ask, no, I don’t have his address) but just listening to him talk about lining up reticles and trying to get the camera just to FOLLOW you gave me a pinchy feeling in my brainstem.
    Of course, I can’t be TOO judgemental, because I can remember getting excited back when you posted a rumor some years ago that it would be about Tifa and the Turks. But I suppose if they had made my favorite characters the focal point of such a pile, I’d be in the middle of an international pitchfork march right now, so maybe it’s for the best that this is Vincent’s…uh, dirge.

  77. “To put it mildly, whoever wrote this, is an idiot.”
    I fear the ToastyFrog.com forums are becoming increasingly GameFAQesque. My concern about this is whether Parish will bomb the site in order to keep a low profile, or he’ll settle for simply cancelling the comments altogether. Neither of which I’d enjoy. But seriously, if disliking a dumb game is wrong, I don’t want to be right ever again.

  78. I was ALMOST going to boo you for that article, until you dropped the Card Fighters. Also, the NGPC’s battery life trumps all handhelds so hard, you’d think your DS was a Nomad. But! Come on, SNK vs Capcom: MotM should be on the quick list, for sure.

    Oh, and Square = the suck. Haven’t made anything worthwhile in 6 years, barring a couple Yasumi Matsuno games.

  79. “I fear the ToastyFrog.com forums are becoming increasingly GameFAQesque.”
    –
    You must not have been around during the final days of the Pit of Flames, Parish’s most recent attempt at a forum (unless he’s done one between now and then that I’m unaware of). I took my leave about two months prior to their dismantling, but they had become a den of spam, barring the exceptionally good game discussion section.

  80. God, I’d forgotten all about the Pit of Flames. Well, Pit aside, this very space has recently been on the receiving end of pitiful attempts at insult, particularly after the Advent Children bashing.

  81. Actually, Einhander’s story was quite good. You are sent to earth to destroy their gaping megalopolis, but you soon realize that they are just as bare-stripped and resource-deprived as you are on the moon; so you fly up and are besieged by your superiors, who you then destroy.

    Anyone who plays shooters for their story IS stupid–but Einhander had one of the better ones.

    Also, it kicked ass.

  83. I guess I got my answer. Einhander was the last game made by Square that didn’t suck. I disagree, if only because I find all shooters to be boring. But I guess it was good for what it was.

  84. Oh please. Einhander is one of if not the only exception to every non-RPG game square has ever made. Because every non-RPG Squaresoft game has been -TERRIBLE- in comparison to games of the same genre. The least you could do is make the distinction beteen a game you don’t like and one that is difinitive crap. Or you could simply gush arrogancy and formulate a poor excuse why you think its crap, considering the shallow religious symbolism and all that. Because games like that are obviously ALL about literary devices and story. Thank you for showing me the light, sinphony

  87. I really liked Parasite Eve 2, and I wouldn’t really consider it an RPG. It’s just got those ubiquitous “RPG Elements.”

  88. The Bouncer wasn’t all that bad.
    –
    …
    –
    Well it wasn’t. The four-player battle mode was actually a blast. However, neither The Bouncer or Ehrgeiz were developed by Square, if I recall. They were developed by… Dream Factory wasn’t it?

  89. No wait, I change my mind. Due to lack of character development, Einhander is complete and utter crap. I was completely wrong. Forgive me.

  93. “Thank you for showing me the light, sinphony”
    Clevar puns FTW!

    Look, I happen to think Einhander is a completely average game. I thought it took itself way too seriously for a shmup, and I didn’t think it was any more fun or better executed than countless games before it (Tyrian being foremost in my mind because I played a fair amount of it).

  94. I’m torn. On the one hand I love Final Fantasy, and I liked FFVII a fair deal (shut up). On the other hand this doesn’t really sound like the kind of game I like to play, and it sounds like crap either way.

    One thing, though: if there ends up being a power or ability or piece of equipment or whatever that lets your gun shoot bees, I’ll buy it regardless of how shitty it is. Guns that shoot bees rule.

  95. Sorry, when you mentioned the guns and bees, I couldn’t help but think:
    .
    Or what? You’ll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with
    bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?
    Well, go ahead — do your worst!
    .
    Anyways, why not just play the wonderful Oddworld: Stranger’s Wrath if you want a live ammo shooting game instead of a crap-fest like Dirge?

  98. Oh lordy, I truly apologize for sparking this heated which non RPG games Squaresoft made that were actually good “discussion”. I had no idea Einhander had such vocal fans.

  99. No one’s mentioned the utter glory of Ehrgeiz yet?

    I’m so let down. :~

    To put it simply, Nintendo totally copied Square when they made Smash Brothers. Period.

  100. Speaking of bees, that boss in MGS3 was lame. I just used the shotgun a few times, and he went down pretty fast. What happened to bleepin’ strategy, Kojima?! Oh wait, it’s “cooler” for you to waste my time with snuff footage of Dolph Lundgren as Omega Red torturing people, while a younger Ocelot played by Hayden Christensen winks and points his finger at me to prove that Raiden’s not the only “metrosexual” character in the series.

  101. “No one’s mentioned the utter glory of Ehrgeiz yet?”
    There’s a very good reason for that: it’s incredibly mediocre. It’s also a good early instance of Square using FFVII characters to sell an otherwise unremarkable game.

  103. Not to mention that Ehrgeiz and Smash Bros. came out within a month of each other. Yeah. Damn Nintendo and their underhanded, imitating ways!

  104. “…Name ONE way that Ehrgeiz is in any way similar to Smash Bros. Please.” Both games toss in gaming icons (Samus, Cloud, Sephiroth, um… Solid Snake) to try to entice people into playing them who wouldn’t, otherwise. I guess it’s like Kingdom Hearts in that way, as well.

    And, um… I don’t like either of them. So that’s a similarity, I guess.

  105. Both games toss in gaming icons (Samus, Cloud, Sephiroth, um… Solid Snake) to try to entice people into playing them who wouldn’t, otherwise.

    Or Link in Soul Caliber. Or Spartan in DOA. Or Gon in Tekken. Or Capcom characters in a Marvel fighting game. I thought that was pretty standard for the genre. Although Smash Bros. was more in the mashup of existing characters mode, rather than having a marquee character as an unlockable but making it a game cover bullet point to sell an otherwise sub-standard game.

  106. Ehrgeiz is a standalone fighting game with NOTHING TO DO with the FF7 universe which had 2 (and in the home version, 3) unlockable FF7 characters in it.

    Smash Bros is ABOUT Nintendo icons battling. There is not a single “original” character in Smash Bros. That is not a similarity at all, but their biggest difference.

  107. The internet is fun! It’s a place where you can kick back, chill, and watch people argue about semi-polarizing games!
    .
    Kind of like an interactive text-based soap opera for nerds!

  108. Except that it likely kills brain cells.
    –
    Too bad this probably won’t be factually proven until we’re all futzy elderly men and our children do research on our mental instability.

  109. Kind of like an interactive text-based soap opera for nerds!
    Is there really an audience other than nerds for ‘interactive text-based soap operas’?

  112. The comments section for this entry has just been so… enlightening. I mean, when are people going to come to the realization that Final Fantasy has been fundamentally unoriginal from the start… Its just Zelda with numbers and menus, people! And Zelda was just Adventure with better graphics. Face it: you’ve been duped into playing the same game OVER AND OVER AND OVER. The gaming industry is so going to collapse once word of this gets out!

  113. I used to think the dragon in Adventure was a giant duck. I was a little disapointed when I found out it was a dragon. Early games allowed your imagination to fill in the blanks, the way you might envision the characters in a book. 8-bit graphics were the begining of the end of video games as an art form. It’s all just become style over substance. I feel bad for those of you born after 1980. At least you’ll never know what you’ve missed. Give me Superman for the 2600 any day, now that’s a game wih a sense of narrative.

  114. “There’s a very good reason for that: it’s incredibly mediocre. It’s also a good early instance of Square using FFVII characters to sell an otherwise unremarkable game.”
    oic. thx.

  116. I think we can all save time and energy by just copying and pasting the following template:

    “Every game I like is fun, creative, and a triumph of the medium. Every game you like is derivative pablum.”

  118. So how about that xbox 360, eh? What a great system! Totally superior to Sony. Debate me! Nothing’s more unappealing than brainwashed Square fans bitching. let’s go back to the classic debates. DS > PSP! 360 > PS2!

  119. “WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING TO MY WEBSITE”
    –
    I’ll assume that’s rhetorical: Talking about anything FFVII opens the flood gates. You know that. I, for my part however, am done. This has become to rambly even for my tastes. I’m with Squall, providing he wasn’t being sarcastic: Talk about cool DS games is much more entertaining.

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